Time..time...time...is on my side... :( Safetykc: Happy Thanksgiving to everyone....I hope you all had a good one...Mine was great, dinner at a friends...except for a little fireball incident....and a scorced ceiling...we even have it on tape...America's funniest home videos here we come...never pour beer on an out of control candle fire...nuff said...thank god it wasn't me and was my host's kid brother...LOL.... ;D
Then a movie with friends...good times...got home...got online...my STBX got online too, conversation started out ok, How was thanksgiving, etc. then turned hellish....
She had a friend over for Thanksgiving....a friend she felt the need to mention she was dating...ok, no biggie...divorce is Monday....then she mentions this guys kids play with one of my closest friends kids...ok..THIS GUY IS FRIENDS WITH ONE OF MY OLDEST FRIENDS... >:( :-X
UGHGGHH....She apologizes...she had no idea...she met him at McDonalds in Kansas...not even close to where I live...thank god its a small world huh.... :'( Didn't realize McDonalds was the dating hotspot...Next she will be ptelling me the drive thru guy asked her out... ;)
Why is she telling me this...why am I listening.... :-[ Our conversation goes downhill from there....Lots of ranting...on both sides..hurt pain...hurt pain... :'( Wasnt bad enough she messsed around on me with a married guy from work...now my circle of friends is being invaded...great..I tell her I will have to say hi to the happy couple at my friends kids brithday party... :-X
It continues to get nasty...Lots of accusations...I lash out at her...ask her to put herself in my shoes..not only about this, but about the debt, and work, and cheating, and now this...would she be ok with me doing all this to her? If positions were reversed? She is psychotic...she goes into a rant about what her first husband did to her...she said he WAS emotionally attached to people she worked with who were also close friends of hers. He DID leave her and ended up dating one of those women. She was ok with everything EXCEPT the leaving part, it hurt like hell... she was very tolerant of his "friendships", still, she listens if he needs to talk, and she remember the things about him that warranted her respect in the first place. and yes, she is ok with it now. I asked her is she did all that right away after being seperated, then she freaking turned around and did the same thing to me that was done to her... >:( Thanks a lot... :-\
That justifies things!?!?!!? WTF...she says, well you are dating now too...WHAT??? WHAT??? With who, my friend of 10 years I went to a show with, who I am not interested in at all??? That was a dating...I am FREAKING RAW here...My wild OJAR life...Yeah I am dating a freaking computer screen...Oh boy....OJAR...will you marry me???? :P
SO that is justification? As if any justfication from me is necessary...The conversation goes on like this until we are both physically sick...
It was awful...Why...Divorce is monday...did I need one more ounce of pain...she tells me she doesn't kiss him or isn't affectionate around the kids...THANK YOU M FOR SHARING THAT TIDBIT!!!! What is wrong with her...what is wrong with me for listening... >:( :'( >:( :'( >:( :'(
to be continued....unfortunately... :P
Re:Time..time...time...is on my side... :( Safetykc: Why do we all do this to ourselves....What sick addiction causes us to talk to our X's....I know I shouldn't I KNOW it..you all know it...I read the posts...Most of us do it...Open ourselves up to hurt and pain over and over again...Why...OUr friends and family advise against it, our counselors advise against it, our OJAR friends advise agains it...and yet we do it again and again...I AM NOT STUPID....My brain tells me I shouldnt get into these conversations with her...but I do...we all do....we may avoid it for a little while, but I have heard many of you cry after these interactions that we EXPOSE ourselves too....our own faults... :'(
And her, why is she letting me rip her to shreds??? I hate myself while I am doing it...I asked her doesn't she understand why i do that...Why I even care that she is dating or who....or what is going on in her life...she does...and I know it too...I love her.. :'(...unfortuanely....ugghghhg :-X...I hate her and love her at the same time....I am glad in some ways this freaking train wreck of a marriage is over...that doesn't change that, but I wouldnt be bothered by any of this if I didn't have feelings for her still...I know myself too well.....It sucks...I dont want her back...its not even about that....WAY to much pain, and trust, and a million other things would prevent that...I want to quash this caring for what she does and who with...but it isn't gone yet...she has hurt and hurt and hurt me and I still can't quash it completely yet...it is a sickness...I ask her why she is even talking to me...we are cutting each other to bits...
This is why she puts herself out for me to lash at her...she said if she didn't have some idea of where I was coming from, do you think she would keep setting myself up to be ripped apart by me? Why why...I hate myself for doing it...she said because some part of her says I need to have the opportunity to get out all of the things Im feeling and that it's HER responsibility to provide me with that sounding board b/c it's her fault Im in such turmoil...Thanks...thanks a freaking lot...
Our relationship is so sick right now....So awful...and it keeps cycling...almost over..almost monday monday...then the true healing can begin...With time...sweet time...and lots of therapy and supportive people, and hard work....I can let this go, let her go, wash that wife right out of my hair....Early on in the conversation we are discussing the divorce being monday and she says that neither one of us is dead or remarrying...she reminds me of the music game we played...communicating in songs and lyrics...then she has the gall to sing my song....Time...Time...Time is on my side...yes it is.... :'( No mixed signals there M...that was of course before she felt she HAD to tell me this guy is friends with one of my friends...before I found out some other way and was surprised, she had to tell me...thanks again M.. :-[ :'( By the end of the conversation whe was saying she didnt see how we could work things out, as if we ever could. Ummm divorce monday ring any bells in that fantasy world you live in?!??!?!!? :-X We both just wanted to throw up our Thanksgiving dinners... :P
Sigh..sorry all..I have vented enough...I just needed to get that out...and its part and parcel of my story...Just all these words and feelings filling my head...had to let it out...Thanks for listening to me, probably belonged more on the vent-o-board..... :'(
So much more was said, but too much to type, insert half the conversations with our X's we have all had in here and you can guess the rest....ugghhh ::)
Monday, and then time to move on to bigger and brighter....We slip through the streets...while everyone sleeps..getting bigger and sleeker..and wider and brighter..sigh...here kitty kitty...
Here's looking forward to Monday and a new beginning....Monday Monday...
Monday Monday so good to me
Monday mornin' it was all I hoped it would be
Oh Monday mornin' Monday mornin' couldn't guarantee
That Monday evenin' you would still be here with me
Monday Monday can't trust that day
Monday Monday sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday mornin' you gave me no warnin' of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday how could you leave and not take me
Every other day every other day
Every other day of the week is fine yeah
But whenever Monday comes but whenever Monday comes
A you can find me cryin' all of the time
Monday Monday so good to me
Monday mornin' it was all I hoped it would be
But Monday mornin' Monday mornin' couldn't guarantee
That Monday evenin' you would still be here with me
Every other day every other day
Every other day of the week is fine yeah
But whenever Monday comes but whenever Monday comes
A you can find me cryin' all of the time
Monday Monday can't trust that day
Monday Monday it just turns out that way
Oh Monday Monday won't go away
Monday Monday it's here to stay
Oh Monday Monday
Oh Monday Monday
Nite all.... :'(
Re:Time..time...time...is on my side... :( SunnyFlower: Safety, Safety, Safety!
First, stop apologizing for "ranting" on the boards...that's why it's called a BOARD!! ;) We are all here to listen and help with whatever we can. :)
I am sorry you are having another bad day....I think maybe you know the divorce is coming up in just a few short days and maybe you are feeling all "jumbled up" inside right now?? Like...part of you is relieved, but there is still an even bigger part that is grieving the end of your marriage....you are feeling happy, sad, remorse, regret, exhaustion, relief (anything else??) all at the same time and your brain is going nuts right now. I really thinks things will start moving in the direction of the healing process for you after the paperwork is done...I am speaking only for myself, but I know that after my papers are signed it's going to feel like things are really "FINAL" then and you have the chance to REALLY move forward.
I know it's easier said than done, but you really need to tear yourself away from her and the temptation to talk to her to see how she is doing. I know you said she is offering herself as your "soundboard" because she feels guilty/responsible for the feelings you are having now, but she is NOT the right person to act as your support person/soundboard, Safety!! She is coming out with these things about her personal/dating life to get SOME kind of reaction out of you...whether it be intentional or not , and it's WORKING!! It's not helping the healing process for you at all if you keep letting her rip your scabs off...and you know that as well. I am not saying that you should NEVER, EVER talk to her again....I am just saying give yourself some time to "thicken up" a bit.....you will know when you are ready. For now, just take some time to heal and figure out what you want to do with YOUR future without her. (Yeah, yeah, I know, everyone says this, but HEY!! It's probably because it's good advice! ;))
Sending Sunny hugs your way
~Sunny
Re:Time..time...time...is on my side... :( incoherentlonghorn: Sometimes I am completely envious of those who are so close to the end of their marriage since I have so far to go. Hearing your concerns prepares me for what is to come and I appreciate your openness. :) The love we once shared with these people sucks us in and before we know it, we’ve broken one of OJAR’s Ten Commandments. May your life be full of more enjoyable fireballs. ;D
Time is on your side and I want to extend a huge hug for your sanity.
Re:Time..time...time...is on my side... :( picadilly: Safety, buddy, HUGE HUGS your way (and a beer... in a pear tree)
your human & we all feel pain. Part of us needs to keep telling our stbx's how much they hurt us & part of us doesn't want to ever talk to them again. Unfortunately we all feel the need to vent to that person to see if they will ever give us the response we deserve, the truth. But we all know that we'll never get it, we'll never get any satisfaction. The pain will always be there, we did care for these people at one point in our lives. It will fade some over time but it will always hurt when we see them / talk to them. You know it, you said it yourself, you should not talk to her... it's a hard commandment to follow through on. Be strong & maybe turn off IM at home. ;)
My stbx has not & does not want to see me or talk to me in person since she left. I don't know if I'm luckier then you in this regard. I know I would fall appart if we talk, I still fall appart just thinking about her. Yet, I always yearn to see her & to touch her. But that will not happen now till sometime next year I think. I've decided that I don't think I'm strong enough to see her or sit down & have a coffee with her yet. Your allot stronger then me, Safety, you will pull through this, Monday is so close my friend. Then you can stop talking to her all together... atleast for a few months, to heal yourself. Easier said then done, I know.
There isn't much more I can say to help in this regard except, chin up... stay strong.
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