Re:From Bad to Worse... inebr: BB,
Oh man. I'm sorry. This is something I'm glad I don't have to do. As much as I want children and hope to have one someday, ...the decisions you have to make. I have a lot of respect here
Anyhow, please honor your daughter's feelings and wants and needs. Don't let your stbx tell her what she should do or needs to do. She doesn't owe him anything, really. That's the thing with kids, IMO, they are not ours AT ALL, we're just lucky enough to help them along the way for a while. They owe us nothing so don't let him tell her she owes him a visit. Maybe he just needs a visit to get some aliviation for his guilt that happens to be bubbling over right now. After the visit he'll feel better. Will she? He seems to be doing the flaky-dad thing and that can be damaging. Good call on validating her feelings about not trusting him. She has some reason not to feel trusting.
Ok, this whole thing is tough. And I hope your daughter can have a good relationship with her dad. But it might be that he is unable to give that to her, which means absolutely nothing about her. I tried until I was about 30 and then realized it wasn't so much about me but that my father was limited in his capacity to be a father. As a teenager and young adult I used to pretend to boyfriends or other friends about my dad being "protective" of me like fathers can be. Truth was my dad wasn't protective at all. He was absent in many ways. I hope the relationship with your daughter and your stbx is good. But I hope too that she doesn't take his lack of father skills somehow reflective of who she is. It's tough. I love my dad very very much. It's just not the typical parent - child relationship and I spent many years trying to understand that.
Re:From Bad to Worse... ChristyM: Geez inebr, you just described the relationship my 11 yr-old daughter has with my s2bx. It's practically non-existent and for that reason, she also does not want to spend time with him. I want so bad for them to be close and it makes me sad to think they'll never have that. I guess I have to realize like you said that some fathers just aren't capable of being good dads. It makes me even more motivated to eventually find someone that will give her what she is missing. I'm afraid it will affect other areas of her life as she is growing up :'(
Christy
Re:From Bad to Worse... Anna: BB-
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. The sooner you can come to some closure to your marriage with this man the better, as far as I am concerned. You have been on the roller coaster for too long, and he still has the power to create havoc. You will still have to see him, as he is your daughter's father, but the chapter of him in YOUR life can be ended, and his ability to affect you will decrease - I promise.
I know that isn't the topic of your post today, but I just wanted to say that. Now on to today. How old is your daughter? I'm thinking 3? She can sense the havoc his coming around is causing, and I think she is reacting to that. Her insecurities are probably caused by the stress that she is feeling from all sides. I would recommend going to a family therapist (a Christian one if you wish!) to help HER deal with all this. I know that when my son had to start going on overnights at age two, we worked up to this by following a few rules. One was that I shouldn't drop him off at his Dad's, because he might feel like I was abandoning him, and then would associate my ex's house with his mom leaving him. My ex would come and pick him up at my house, and then I would pick up. My son knew me as the primary parent, of course, since my ex left when I was pregnant with him. I was his security and his comfort, and the thought of turning him over to ex H and OW was repulsive to me. Plus, he was just entering the separation anxiety stage that almost all children go through. Remembering that this stage was natural no matter what the circumstance helped me put it into some perspective.
But with the help of our therapist, I was able to deal with the transition to him spending time with his dad. My girls (who were 4 and 2 at the time) remembered their dad still living with us, so overnights weren't as traumatic for them as they were confusing. (OW, mom's old best friend, now lives with Dad? Why isn't Dad with Mom? Where is Dave, OW's husband? Why don't the boys live with their mom?)
So your daughter hasn't spent ANY time with your husband until now? Do you have a parenting plan in place? It seems difficult now, but once you file and get the plan in place, you can prepare her for the time and it will become more routine and less traumatic for her. As hard as it was, I would prepare the kids positively for their weekends with their dad, and I think that helped them realize it was ok to leave mom, and that I would be there for them as always when they came back. The stronger I got, the easier it was for them to transition. They go 4 days a month.
And lastly, I wanted to comment on your dad's comment. Of course he isn't ashamed of you. He loves you. And he wants you to be happy. He probably is tired of seeing you hurting and in limbo, and would like to see you stop hurting. And he wants what is best for your daughter too. He probably can't fathom what would keep her father away from her, and decided to take things into his own hands, even if it wasn't his place to do so. I know my dad felt so helpless and unable to protect me as I went through my drama. I think it was almost as hard on him as it was on me. I know that as I was going through it, I could sense he wished I would make different choices.... I think he was just trying to shield me from more pain and I understood that......but after being rejected by my husband, I absolutely couldn't stand the fact that I was disappointing my father. Men especially just want to solve the problem, especially when their daughters are hurting. Women tend to take a little bit more time and giving a few more extra chances in situations like these. The key for my dad and I was communication and the mutual goal of trying to figure out God's will.
BB, you have always been extremely supportive of me, and I really appreciate that. I hope I can be the same to you. You are in my prayers.
Re:From Bad to Worse... shannon: That is just horrible. I am dealing with the same thing. My stbx claims to want to see Cole, but when offered, he's always busy or has something come up.... It's terrible.
I really don't have any advice for you, but just lots of ((hugs)).
Your dad is not ashamed of you!! He's probably just really, really angry at your stbx and was trying to make him feel something.
Shan
Re:From Bad to Worse... barelybreathing: Thanks all....again.
Well, after a bottle of wine later (in honor of justmenow), I muttled through the evening and he brought her home on time. I was looped of course.
She was very clingy with him. Which made me tear up some more. Then he left....to disappear into the dark abyss of his now dark and weird world.
He calls the next morning, to check on my hangover status and to tell me how beautiful I looked. Announces that his family "realizes" how much they missed out on not being around my child and to expect some phone calls from them. F___k em, really. Excuse my frankness, they have not contacted her for over a year. I verbally extended invitations for them to see her anytime in the beginning of this mess and not one of them have bothered to call. My daughter is smart like her mommy and she is not going to have tolerance for that either. Look at the way she reacted to her father's visit...and she is only three.
It's all bizarre behavior to me and I am not accustomed to it but I am dealing with it. Sometimes productively and sometimes not so productively.
This WAS a tough week and I am so very glad it is over.....
BB
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