Re:The agony & lies continue bamboo: Yeah running away is easier, but everything catches up to you eventually. At least thats what I am hoping happens to my stbx. He has said over and over how he wants to run away (move away) and never look back. Once recently he even asked me to go with him - and I almost fell for it. He is running so much that he hasn't even told all his family what is going on between us. I mean his Mom doesn't even know why we are separated, and he has been living with her since Sept!!!
My stbx lies then contradicts those lies during the same conversation!! I am to the point now where I don't believe anything he says. Lately he has been on this kick of calling me up (at work) to tell me how horrible I am and uses those reasons as his justification for walking out on me. He is too much of a coward to face the truth and admit that MAYBE he is the one with the problems, not me. I just try and laugh it all off b/c he is not worth it. It is very hard to move on when I have someone constantly putting me down, then calling me up later and acting all nice. Such strange behavior; but I guess thats what drugs and a constant state of being drunk does to a person.......
Re:The agony & lies continue leem03: First of all, Jersey, you & I have the exact same Anniversary date. I guess not such a good days for weddings, huh?
Running & lying does make it easier for them. But it is eating me up inside. Today, the day before court, I get a nice note. "Tomorrow you will get what you deserve, not me. I will always love you." Meaning as he keeps telling me throughout this whole process that I deserve better, that he is a complete jerk who deserves nothing. He runs because he can't face what he's done to me or our families.
WHY RUN???? His hope is that he signs on the dotted line & he has a fresh start. Like he will be able to start his life over again and move past the hurt he has caused us. I keep trying to tell him that won't do it. Somehow, he thinks it will.
Good luck to him & the rest of those jerks out there running scared & being too darn selfish to try and fix things. Darn them for takiing what they think is the easy way out.
So in conversation today after I read the note, he tells me how sorry he is and that he is going to walk into court and is going to give everything to me. The house, it's contents everything. THe only thing he wants is his car. Where is he going??? I don't know. He won't stay at his parents' house. So does he go to the OW's apartment? That won't last, then he'll have to answer to her about his where-abouts. One thing I know for sure is once he does this, I WILL NOT allow him to turn back. I WILL NOT allow him to come into my house as he pleases. Take the last few months, if he chooses to stay out all night, he does & then.....he'll come home at 8 or 9 am to take a shower & then heads back out the door. Well not anymore!
I have to take a stand now. The divorce is what he wants. He will no longer be able to have his cake & eat it too. I have to stand up to this man for once and for all and let him walk away into whatever dream land he chooses.
That sounds convincing, doesn't it. Now if I can just keep repeating it to myself to make it sink in. To make myself understand that it's the right thing to do. Oh Gosh, I don't know if I can..........I want him to come home to me still. I want my family back together. Man, see I am so messed up. I am so pathetic. I let him do whatever he wants & still take him back. Why should he have changed???
Geezzzzzzzzzzz! Ok everyone pray for me tomorrow. In court at 9am. I hope I don't break down in there like a complete baby.
There is a song by Linkin Park out now called, "Easier To Run" I haven't actually listened to it but the lyrics definitely apply. Serph has them posted on the music board...
It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something more
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Re:The agony & lies continue barelybreathing: View it as reclaiming your life leem!
You are taking a stand on the fact that what he offers and what he is now IS not what you want in your life. It's toxic behavior that makes us slowly rot inside everytime we expose ourselves to them.
Yeah, I get the whole, "you don't deserve me, I am a fool" bit too. And it is truly lame. My counselor says its a self hatred stage in their journey. They would rather run, wallow, turn in shame, then seize the opportunity to turn it around for themselves. Regain respect from the people around them they deceived.
They come around and for a brief fleeting moment they remember, they seek that peace and comfort in the relationship and then we show them a tear or reflect a sentiment of the pain it caused and they flinch and retreat quick and abruptly. Cause we remind them of their failure. The destruction. The trail of pain.
It has taken me a long time to understand this.
I will pray for you leem....pray you have strength to manage this.....
BB
Re:The agony & lies continue inebr: [quote author=barelybreathing link=board=1;threadid=1596;start=0#msg11701 date=1070231169">
They come around and for a brief fleeting moment they remember, they seek that peace and comfort in the relationship and then we show them a tear or reflect a sentiment of the pain it caused and they flinch and retreat quick and abruptly. Cause we remind them of their failure. The destruction. The trail of pain.
[/quote">
You captured that very well, BB. To me this is part of the basis of the cake and eat it too problem. You (stbx) can't come around here and expcet safe warm relationship without any realization of what happened. Ain't gonna work no more. I can go around on that merry-go-round a few times but then I catch on. What makes an adult treat another human being that way? It is complete denial, complete self unawareness, greed, oblivion? I can't bring myself to think that another person would do this in complete awareness, it has to be on some level unconscious otherwise they would be psychotic. Well, whatever it is, I am tired of sympathizing with their "problem". And that's where my problem comes in (sympathizing with it all). It's sad that their life has taken on this dimension but, really, not my problem. I wish a person in this situation all the luck and hope and health in their future. Good luck to them.
But getting myself out of harms way.
Re:The agony & lies continue barelybreathing: Yes, getting yourself out of harm's way. Precisely. Boy, it's a hard concept to learn but when it finally sinks into your head, the clarity that can come with it is so liberating.
For instance, he calls me just now. Says he has requested a transfer to a town that is about three hours away from me. He wants to be closer to me and to our daughter and would like to eventually open a restaurant and get out of his line of work altogether.
He says, he would like to spend a weekend with just me, one on one time...says our daughter is amazing (like I don't know that already) and says that he wants to work on not being so hateful with one another (the only hateful one here is him this whole time). Asks if I would start going to church again, (umm, have been) and that he was going to start going again too. We would be going together, even though we are apart, he says.
I didn't bite, not once. Wished him luck on his transfer. Didn't comment one way or the other on anything else. Was cool as a cucumber. Not engaging and most importantly not in harms way anymore. Call me complacent, Miss Complacent.
Because, I know come tomorrow, it will be different. And I know this because I have lived this for the past year now. Consistently.
Big epiphany for me folks, yes it was a tough week, but I reached a real plateau.....you know the one where you are back in the land of the sane and stable thinking.....
Hip, hip hoorah! Had to have been that wonderful bottle of wine I downed. It must of gave me some wisdom!
BB
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