Sad but good browngreen: i'm sitting here somewhat in awe of life, of people, of love. I'm thankful
For my processing. It isn't the fastest, or the best method, but I understand how it works, and for me, that is what is important.
I'm thnkful my H called me like a friend yeterday and told me good news he had over the weekend. After the call, I was so happy. I went up and kissed my sister on the top of her head.
I'm thankful to recognize that my days of anxiety over our M can and WILL be a thing of the past.
I'm thankful for our last day together as man and wife. I'm thankful for our goodbye. It was what I needed to move on... an actual, solid goodbye that wasn't destructive or hurtful.
It was actually pretty nice.
Neither one of us said "this is the last time we will hug or touch, or cry as man and wife" or "today it is over."
It just happened.... (next thread)
Re: Sad but good browngreen: He came over here to my sister's to drop off the deck furniture I bought last year and had decided, initially to let him keep since he has a deck and I don't. But during a fight yesterday at his house I realized that the furniture set is something I still like, that I found it, couldn't beleive the good bargain, and you know what? I'd like to keep it.
I asked for antyhing I ever gave him that I paid over $100 for. He said "Fine, and if I give it back, you have to sign that you won't ask for anything else and drew up a document stating that when we divorce, each of us will keep what we have. I signed it with my maiden name.
I was being petty, lame, and immature. But this was part of my process, and I can either waste time feeling badly about it, or I can accept it and move on.
So, he said he'd bring the deck furniture over.
By the time I got here and he got here, I had calmed down considerably. He unloaded the set and was petting my dog. I said "She'll miss you."
Before he went to his truck he said "Is theer anything else you need?" and I said "Only to tell you that I love you more than anyone else in this town does."
He came up to me, and asked if he could hug me.
He hugged me and started crying.
I patted him on the back, wanting to say something comforting but not wanting to say something typical like "If you ever need anything..." or "I'm just a phone call away" or some such sappy thing.
What I said, without even thinking was "I don't know why I'm in your life. But here I am. I've got your back and will always be curious about you."
He laughed and said "Yeah, you're like a bacteria I can't get rid of."
We seperated and he put his arms on my shoulders. I did the same, and we stood there in the sun looking eachother face to face, in the eye. I watched his eye become redder, and I felt my own fill with tears, but then we both smiled.
He said "You know, when you're not mad, you're very pretty."
I thanked him and smiled.
We hugged again, arms over eachother shoulders, and he trembled and i started to tremble, soon we were both crying. We parted to look at eachother again and I realized this was it. This is what I needed all along. This was why I came back this summer, and why we tried again. For closure, but for just this KIND of closure...Not a hostile goodbye, and not a drifting away. not a promise to be friends, not anything other than a goodbye and well wishing.
I wanted to take a good look at this man I was saying goodbye to. I wanted to remember his face, and I wanted to remember this goodbye.
The sweet sadness in his eyes reflecting my own feelings... not at losing the M, but that things couldn' be different sooner. The sweetness that finally we were sharing something together, the same feeling. Finally we were on the same page.
We held eachothers hands, facing eachother, like we did when were married.
Standing closely, and again we made eye contact, and just kept it.
We must have stood there like that, looking eachother in the eyes, for 2 or 3 minutes, just sort of nodding at each other in understanding.
He reached out and brushed my bangs out of my face and without taking my eyes away from his, I touched his face.
I said "I"m having trouble letting you leave>" and he said "Lets get out of the sun"
So we went under the two big trees behind the fence, and sat on plastic chairs, facing eachother, our tighs side by side, his legs around mine in a familiar way, in a tender way. Just feeling that made me cry some more when I had the thought that the next time we see eachother we won't be that familiar. Not again. This was the last time.
I stroked his arms and looked at them, the muscles, the hair, the veins, his big broad back of his square hands. I rememberd a poem I'd written about him when we were only 20 in which I refered to him as "all veins and hair" because he does have prominent veins, and is pretty hairy. He thought it was funny. Recently, I wrote another poem in which I called him the man with "The strong jaw".
I said Good bye to each of these things. I smiled and cried as I said "good bye veins, good bye hair, good bye my strong jawed husband."
And I laughed, and he laughed because it was so dang silly and sad, what else could we do?
I reached up to his face, and he let me touch it. WE eye locked again, this time more breifly, but over and over again as I ran my fingers through his hair, as I smoothed his eyebrows, closed his eye lids, traced the outline of his lips. SAying goodbye to each of them to myself.
I put my hand on his heart, patted it, and left it there, for a long long time.
Re: Sad but good browngreen: The dog came up and licked us both, she wanted some of the love too. My sister came out and saw us like that but cheerfully said "hi JOhn!"
It was over, and we carefully got up and I walked him to the truck, saying :I feel silly keeping all these things. Is there anything that you want? He said "the scrubs you made are all I want."
I gave them back, and the guitar I'd bought him, and a signed framed Jane English photo I'd given him at Christmas. I said "I wo'nt ask for anything else back.I"m sorry I can be like that. Thank you for our nice goodbye, and for allowing me my stupid process and allowing me to return to graciousness. It isn't right, but it's the way I am."
At the last second, he unbuckled his seat belt, came across to the passengers mindow, and rashly, he kissed me on the lips. I said "I'm going to really miss that."
I gave the truck a pat and he drove away.
I came into the house, just SOBBING. My sister said "earlier today you were so happy."
O said "I still am."
and I hugged her and she let me just stand there in thekitchen and cry and hug her for a while. She asked "What happened?" I said "We said goodbye. For good. It's over. It's finally really over."
She said "Ah... Poor Lu. Did you plan it for today?" I said "no, but I couldn't have planned it any better."
BG
