the end. jimloveless: like some anticlimactic ending to a lousy drama, my court date came and went. Yesterday, I sat outside the tiny municiple court room not certain of what i should be feeling.
she was probably still in bed on the other side of this continent.
I was summoned... I stood before the baileff/clerk/secretary and was sworn in. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth..." i thought it oddly fitting that I'd end the marriage with the same phrase I used to swear to always love her. "I do."
And while my friendly attorney asked me a dozen questions in a rapid succession of monotone, the judge didn't even pretend to care. the life i was abandoning could have been fifteen minutes that severely cut into his mid morning break.
I was awarded the judgement. There was little doubt i would be. i left her with nothing but a car I'm sure she's abandoned by now, the items she took with her on the day of her departure, and her credit card bills. I assumed more than a grand of debt that she should have paid. Because that's the cruel beast I am. and the attorney's fees of course all came out of my pocket, though she was the one that wanted divorce.
and something beautiful and precious and one time wonderful turned into an impatient judge, a few dollar signs, and 900 seconds of history that no one but me will remember... all to the sounds of shuffling paper and that lawyer's bleak timbre.
i left the courthouse the exact same man that entered. i felt no different. even today, there is little happiness or sadness. It's not the numbness... even numb feels like something. even emptiness feels like something... i guess i have this odd feeling of detatchment within me. I wish I could describe it better than that. I wonder if it is some sort of defense mechanism keeping all the final vestiges of ugliness within me at bay. certainly, if they are there, they will need out. but thanks to this apathetic detatchment, I really ...really... don't care.
and perhaps that perfectly sums up what is inside me right now. i just don't care. caring was, in my marriage, unnecessarily exhausting. i see that, now.
thanks to all ojarians. i just wanted to share this with you all because it is what i consider the end of 'my story'. A story i started nearly four months ago. i gladly close the cover on this book. it was unpleasantly commonplace, in this day and age.
Re: the end. cdoulatiff: SJ,
Fortunately, your story, not unlike mine, isn't over. You will continue to grow and learn. You will heal and start anew. You will have days that feel like it was forever ago and then there are the days where you just want it to go back to the way it was. No matter what, everyday you are healing, you are going to be a strong man!!! Take care, and thank you for being a friend, you probably don't remember some of the kind things that you said to me, but I want you to know that they mattered. Thank you so much!!!
Tiffany
Re: the end. Samarra: This is probably very little consolation....I'm sorry for what you had to endure...but with every ending comes a new beginning.
Here's to hoping there's a great one around the corner for you!
Re: the end. wowee: Jimmy - I just finished reading this & I really wanted to PM you but to be honest I am crying to much right now because I can truley feel what your words are saying & trying to express. I am so very sorry for all of this & all I can say right now is I am looking forward to the next chapter in this story - the beginning. That is what it will be for you. A beginning to a new you & a new life. I will await that part of the story to come.
Re: the end. KoffeeDiva: BIG HUGS!
Thanks for sharing such heartfelt feelings, dear Jimmy. I feel your hurt and pain, and I know there will be much brighter days ahead for you now that this chapter is (somewhat) behind you.
You are growing and learning new things about yourself and about life and you will come to find that true happiness doesn't come from others but from within us all.
You will smile again...just give yourself the time you need.
We'll be here for you .... never forget that!
Click More for the next page.
