Advice (from the guys) please?? Long.. LonerInLove: I sometimes come here because I guess reading about other people's real problems make you realise that sometimes your own are so puny but I guess today I am feeling too out of balance to keep it at that so I am going to post something for a change. I am engaged and recently relocated to another country with my fiance.
Our relationship is very important to me. I guess I just feel that I am giving more than he is and I feel powerless to get what I need..
I have learned to understand that when men are involved with their work they tend to withdraw. It's very hard to deal with but I try and give him the space that he needs without making him feel bad for doing it. I am just feeling very resentful right now because both of us are working long hours and dont have a lot of time to spend together (only a one day weekend) and when we get home usually the first thing he does is get on the computer and play games. (This is a relatively new thing) That was ok for a while but last night I wasnt even half way through my supper and he had finished, he just got up and left me at the table and carried on with his game. Needless to say I put my knife and fork down and carried my half full plate to the kitchen. He asked me what what was wrong and I said I was a bit cross with him but didnt want to talk about it. And of course he left it at that. The problem is (and the women here will definitely relate) is that the second I ever try to discuss how I am feeling it tends to come across as very emotional and he gets defensive and angry with me, or tells me "not to worry about it" which I HATE!!! and so the feelings stay pent up and grow and never come out until one day you just explode, and that becomes the pattern..
I am angry because yes, I give him the time he needs to unwind, yes, I am so pleased to see him at the end of the day when we get home from work, yes, I appreciate all the things he does for me. But he never seems willing to listen to me, he never takes the time to find out how I feel and if I am in a mood he makes a point of leaving me to stew. He hardly ever makes a point of cuddling or being close and when he does it is for a limited amount of time and I am expected to "put out" on a regular basis when it comes to sex.. Dont men realise that cuddling is as important to women as sex is for men??? I have even tried preparing him to listen to me instead of just blurting out my day but his answer is you guessed it "Dont worry about it". He is getting a lot of praise at work and he says that makes him want to work harder but if it is for me doesnt he know that I JUST DONT GET IT the way he wants me to get it??? I dont give a rats ass about the money, because right now WE are suffering and I dont know how to get him to realise that. I feel like he doesnt understand or care enough about me to want to learn about me.
And doesnt he realise how goddam lonely it is in a new country with no friends and family for support; all I have is him and it IRKS me when I have to lie in front of the tv and be ignored while he occupies his time and fulfils his needs. What about my needs? How do I get them fulfilled? My salary is not big enough just yet to buy a car for myself so he said he would buy me a car (he has a company car) but get this.. We went from buying ME a car together, to buying US something bigger together, to buying US something bigger that he would pay for, to buying HIMSELF a goddam Jeep that I am "allowed" to drive! Hmmph! >:( So I dont even have the freedom to go out and get a massage to regain some balance in my life because it's not my own car.
Now this weekend, the one day we have to spend together he wants to go 4x4'ing in the Jeep. As far as I am concerned he can take the day and shove it up his *a* because it is a waste of a day, NOT what I want to do and he can go alone if he really wants... but I know if I say it like that we will end up having a huge argument, so.. Any advice on the above from anyone? I know this is the sort of stuff that CAN cause divorce and I dont want it to get to that. I mean, how the heck am I supposed to consider marriage to someone when it's like this already. I love him, I just dont know if I can handle being with someone who wont take the time to be with me or learn to know me. ???
Anyway thanks for listening. I had to get that out.
Re: Advice (from the guys) please?? Long.. Older Guy: Sometimes a person's whole "personal" identity is work related. Is he in a very stressful job ? He needs to know what you are feeling in a calm & rational manner. You 2 need to talk and soon about your current behaviour towatrds each other.
Try not to be so accomodating/accepting and he needs to become more involved.
He might come home from work exausted with nothing to give. But he needs to find a way to give, not only take. He needs to be able to fill your "cup" on a regular basis and give you some attention.
This situation should not be hoepless, but it can grow into that real fast ounless you guys start communicating effectively.
Good luck and best wishes.
Bob
Re: Advice (from the guys) please?? Long.. journey: Hi L-i-L. It is good that you are not ignoring what has been happening and are willing to make effort towards how things ought to be.
It is important, as O-G says, you two need to discuss this. It is important that the discussion be empathic and patient. Try to watch out where discussions turn into two people talking with neither listening; full of fury and blames with no real progress.
Discussions should be more driven by expressing how much you care, how much you love and need the other, leading to discovery of how to live and love and cherish each other.
Let the person know how much you admire, love. Consider asking what you could do to get more of his time, his attention because he is important to you. Understand him and try to discover what he is dealing with when he is away from you. Help him understand you. If you want, you can share what you know about his childhood or the family he comes from. What he is today is likely to be influenced by what is going on at work and what happened in his past and the depth of his introspective self knowledge. Same for you.
Another thing that may help is when you are away and he starts missing you. Can you visit your family or go away for a week or two?
This is unlikely to get resolved in one discussion or one day or one week or one month. It is likely to be bumpy, slow and sometimes frustrating process. No guarantees that things will get better. It may (or may not) actually get worse before it gets better. Consider starting the process sooner.
Keep your focus on where you want both of you to be. Avoid focusing on where you both have been in past.
Good luck.
