My life is over maine surfer: Sorry for such a long post, I just need to let it out somewhere. You don't have to read it.
I’ve never written a story, a book or a novel. I don’t even like to write. I’m writing now because I cannot hold this inside anymore. If I don’t write, don’t vent, don’t try to put my feelings on paper, I think I’ll go crazy very soon. There’s a mad house inside my brain; there’s a hellish tornado of memories, thoughts, wrecked plans and not to be fulfilled dreams. They are all spinning with speed of light and every 5 seconds a memory or a thought gets picked randomly up by my central thinking processor and then I think about it. I don’t want to think but it just happens. Boy it hurts and pain is quite real. Weird how a thought originates in the brain but starts hurting in the middle of the heart and quickly fills entire chest and upper body with sharp pain. Sometimes pain gets so bad I think I’m about to have a heart attack which actually feels good as it’s like a faint ray of light inside the darkness of my head, a small hope that soon THIS will end. That I’d drop dead and THIS would be over. Please, Lord, I just wanna die. Well, I’m still alive with my fingers typing and different thoughts popping up in my head every 5 milliseconds or so. I have to write, I have to do it to stay sane.
Re: My life is over maine surfer: Day 0, hour 0.
The Motorcycle Diaries is one good movie. It’s about Trans American trip of Ernesto Guevara and his friend that completely changed young fellows’ lives. After starting watching it, I noticed a parallel between Guevara’s friend and myself: both are 29 with a desire to something magnificent before turning 30, both are happy, enthusiastic and a bit reckless. Not sure about the guy but why wouldn’t I be happy, what wouldn’t I like about my life? A healthy, educated, relatively smart, decent looking multicultural and multilingual 29 year young professional with an interesting and well paying job, a 6 year old step daughter and a beautiful wife who I love to death and, get this, a baby boy on the way. Yeah, we just learned 6 days ago that it’s a boy. Let me tell you, I am one happy man! I’m enjoying life; I’m slowly drinking it like it’s a glass of extra old Remy Martin. I just returned from a week long business trip and after successfully courting and pitching to four representatives of one of the largest aluminum companies in the world I’m feeling good stretching on a comfortable couch in a nice Moscow apartment watching one fine movie. No problem; life’s good.
Somewhere about three quarters into the movie I hear a telephone call. Wow, how are you honey? How are you feeling, how’s pregnancy, baby boy OK? Great! Listen, I’ll tell you about the business trip, how wonderfully everything worked out. I hear some chi-ching, a nice bonus on the way which might pay for an Infiniti FX you want so badly. We’ll enjoy this rare Crimean sauvignon I brought when you come back from a vacation at your parents’ in North New England in three weeks. I miss you terribly.
What do you mean you want to tell me something I’m not gonna like? IS THE BABY OK? Whoof, what can be bad then? It’s about us? What about us? You’ve been thinking lately? You think that our relationship and marriage of 5 years is going nowhere? WHAT? You don’t miss me? You aren’t looking forward to talking to me anymore? YOU DON’T FEEL ANYTHING? All three long vacations that you took to go back to the USA you didn’t want to come back? HONEY, WHAT’S GOTTEN INTO YOU? Let’s talk and discuss everything when you come back. You won’t come back? What the hell? Did I hear it right, YOU DON’T LOVE ME ANYMORE? YOU HAVEN’T LOVED ME FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS????? Oh my God, is this really happening to me? I hear my heart starts racing and beating 200 times per minute, disgusting warmth of raising blood pressure is slowly but surely creeping all over my body and squeezing my heart. Sweat starts pouring from all pores and tears start dripping from the eyes. What the …? YOU THOUGHT A LOT AND DECIDED THAT YOU WERE LYING TO YOURSELF FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS? And to top it off, YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOUR DAUGHTER’S BIOLOGICAL FATHER? YOU WHAT? YOU LOVE HIM?
I didn’t see that coming…… I had no idea.
Re: My life is over maine surfer: First few hours and the following night.
I hang up. I’m looking at different things randomly not understanding why I’m doing this. I can’t focus. I run short of breath and grasp some air. It’s unreal how fast my heart is beating; it’s physically impossible and I think it’s going to jump out of my breast. I feel like my head detaches from the body. I realize I’m getting crazy. Trying to concentrate I ask Lord for help to stop this madness and it seems to work. I can focus again. I don’t apprehend what I just heard from spiritually and physically closest person, my wife. I simply don’t understand. I think I just got drunk and simply hallucinating now. For about five minutes I simply float out of this world in a parallel universe somewhere. It’s crazy; it cannot be true!
It slowly starts sinking in. My wife does not love me anymore, she does not want me anymore, she does not want to come back to live with me anymore. We do not have future together, we will not live in same house, we will not talk to each other every day, we will not celebrate our son’s first birthday. We are not a family anymore. But wait, I do want to do all of this, I do want to be a family, I do very much, I still love you.
Then I hear someone’s sarcastic giggling behind my left shoulder. I swear I hear it very load and clear but quickly turn around and see no one. Of course, there’s one in our nice two bedroom apartment. My two bedroom apartment? Tears form two large rivers that run from my eyes and drip to the floor. Never thought tear flow could be so intense. I silently cry. My feet feel week and can’t carry the body so I fall on the couch. My God, what’s happening to me, to us, to our lives? I start praying asking Lord for help. I have no clue what I’m saying, I just know that I’m asking for help. I get thirsty, run to the kitchen and drink tap water. I’m hot, really hot, hot on the inside. I go to the bathroom and splash cold water on my face. Look at a mirror and cannot recognize myself: what a difference from half hour ago. Warmth inside of me slowly turns into sharp pain. I go back to the living room, sit down aimlessly looking at the TV screen with paused movie and see young Ernesto Guevara trying to swim across a wide river.
I sit there and stare and, for the first time, this tornado of thoughts and memories forms in my head. Tears are still running down both chicks and I want to scream, but can’t. I sit for 2 hours as time seems to have stopped. I feel that I start going crazy. This is when first thought of killing myself knock and slowly crawl into my head. An easy way out, come on, let’s end this pain right now. I am a Christian who knows that suicide is bad, very very bad. I pray again, this time I ask to get some sleep. I can’t fall asleep. Turning movie back on helps me to fall into a state between sleep and hellish reality with nightmares about the tornado. In one of the nightmares I see my unborn son who looks at me and starts crying. I wake up screaming. Next few hours are definitely longest and most horrid time of my life. I fall asleep and wake up; I float in this terrible state of mind not understanding where reality is. I finally wake up thinking “Boy, what a nightmare, thank God it’s back to normal”. This makes me happy for about 4 seconds, enough to realize status quo. Horror quickly follows. I start crying again.
Looking out of the window I see sun slowly rising. It’s a dawn of my new world. I am 29 years old and my life, as I know it, is over. Why? What the hell happened? Well, now I have plenty of time to recall every day of our life together and think of what went wrong. Too much time……
Re: My life is over maine surfer: Day 1.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I drag myself into the shower and do a usual morning routine. Cold water helps a bit, refreshes. I think, think, think. Cruel reality has sunk in and now I think that I understand the horror completely. Well, I’m wrong. I just see the tip of the iceberg. I just start understanding that the woman I love won’t be with me anymore. I look everywhere and see her face behind every little thing in our apartment: she picked this shower curtain, she bought all my toiletries before leaving 3 weeks ago, she set up our girl’s bedroom. I see her loving hands behind everything in our apartment. She made it into what it is now.
I have to go to work even though I don’t want to. On the way to subway people look at me in a funny way because my face shows what’s going on inside of me. My eyes are probably tearful but I just don’t care what others see or think. Pain is sharp and feelings are awful. I still can’t think straight and analyze. Getting closer to the office, I try to put a good face on. Co-workers seem to act fine which means my acting works. One guy asks me how my pregnant wife is feeling. “Fine” I answer and try to smile. Oh brother, if you peeked right inside my soul that second, your hair would turn grey in a second. I make it to the work place, sit down and start staring at a computer screen. I can’t do anything; I simply stare at the screen. What work? My life is being destroyed and work is the last thing I care about. Oh, this emotions’ tornado is killing me. Sharp heart ache. I don’t know what to do. Try to search Internet about break up story and instantly find a Russian site with a similar story of a guy whose wife left him. I read it and relate 100%. Looks like same thing is happening to him. It is only after I read his posts when I realize that MY WIFE LEFT ME. For the first time I clearly understand that the person I love the most left me. I start silently crying right in front of the monitor. Two managers in my department are on vacation, and a secretary doesn’t notice me crying or, more likely, doesn’t act like she notices. Then I try to search American brake up websites and the first one I find is OJar. After reading first post from a soldier who’s cried for days after his wife left him while he was on duty in Iraq. I start silently crying again. This guy is going through same thing; we feel, hurt and cry alike. Tears start dripping on a desk and I have to go to a bathroom. I have to get away from the office for some time. I go and watch a movie, the Fantastic Four, in a movie theater nearby. I don’t really watch it but sit and think and cry. How can a human being cry so much? I must be completely dry on the inside. Back to the office to see more brake up stories. I read and read and read. One thing I find we all have in common is we all hurt and cry a lot, both boys and girls.
I realize that I’m not alone in my disaster and my story isn’t the worst one. There are many people out there who get into financial mess, have to fight in court and split the kids. I think we are all set in those departments as we don’t have much property together and my wife is a nice person who wouldn’t screw me. It’s our unborn baby boy and the step daughter who scare me. Yet I think we’ll be fine. My pain is a loss of two people that I love the most: the wife and the step daughter who I consider my child.
The rest of the day is gone reading the stories and the posts. It’s amazing how many people get hurt by break ups and divorces. A part of life that I didn’t even know existed. Well, I know now.
Re: My life is over maine surfer: Day’s over. Gotta go back home. Crying again, can’t sleep. Praying a lot, hurting a lot. Want to get drunk but force myself not to touch a bottle. I won’t touch alcohol or do drugs but they seem so tempting. It’s almost like somebody whispering into my ear “Come on, do it, it’ll help”. I think I am strong enough to live through this nightmare without booze or drugs, at least STILL strong enough. All of a sudden a questing “To live through it and then what?” pops up in my head, a part of the hellish tornado that is still spinning. My life suddenly loses meaning. All I did before, work, making money, career, was a grand life plan with my wife and daughter’s well being being the top goal. Now what will I live for? My life now is all of a sudden dull, boring and of grey color. Shit, time to cry again. Oh please, help me Lord.
At I point I realize that I only ask relief for myself. My wife (I can’t call her my ex yet, I simply cannot force myself to type it) is probably not feeling well either. I try to call her, but she can’t talk at the moment and promises to call me tomorrow. I start asking God to help her too. At some point I realize that I cannot hold this inside anymore. I want to call my best friend and even dial his number, but hang up. JUST CAN’T DO YET. I’m ashamed and hurt. Just can’t tell anyone yet. Something must be done! I turn on my notebook and start typing this. Surprisingly, it helps to put thoughts in order and focus on something besides the damn tornado. Slow down, you, the spinner from hell. I fall asleep typing and spend next 3 hours watching the Tales from the Crypt inside my head. What will next day bring me?
Day 2.
Thank God for usual morning routine and cold water. Breakfast? Nope, not today. Have I mentioned that I only ate once since the hour 0 and the time that I ate I had to force myself to have a few bites of salad? Just not hungry, no appetite. I’m about 6’3 and muscular 240 lbs with fast metabolism, about 30 lbs overweight, nothing major. As far as I remember myself, I would never turn down a bite of something. I was always saying that I was a growing boy who just loved to eat. Well, the boy finally grew up and turned into a 29 year old man with a crushed life, a broken heart and compete lack of appetite. Watch out Dr. Atkins, what a way to lose weight!
To be continued…
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