definition of 'let it go' abc123: what IS letting go?????
does it mean just totally forgetting about everything she did to me and the effects of it while she so easily moves on to a better life while i feel like shit? i want to get a last word in, beat her brother up, beat her dad up....something to let them know that what they did was wrong.
can i just do that and then let it go??
as well, how do i something for myself? i feel like every thing i got to do, i have to do it to show someone, to prove it to someone else. i got noone to 'show off' to like i did with her.
Re: definition of 'let it go' charmed: Personally, I don't like the phrases, "letting go" or "moving on". I think it's about "acceptance", accepting that we are not in a relationship, accepting our feelings, accepting that we may never get the answers we want, accepting that the other person did not treat us right no matter what we did, accepting that in time we will feel better and will have learned through our experiences.
What gets us to this level of acceptance? It's different for each of us. Part of it is the desire to "feel" better. I got sick of feeling so down. I didn't like dwelling in the pain or my thoughts being consumed every day. I was literally wasting "life" and I do everything to bring more positivity into my life. Does this work all the time? No, but I continue my efforts.
I asked myself why was I letting someone that cheated on me have so much control over my emotions, my life. No one is worth that.
Do I still love him? Yes, very much. Do I understand what happened? No and probably never will. Does he miss me and want a 2nd chance? I have no idea. Has he learned from his mistakes and would he be faithful if he came back? Who knows. Who was he really? I'm not sure if he knows.
I understand your feelings. You have the need to "act", as a release from your emotional pain. I still have those feelings to an extent, but there's really nothing extreme we can do that won't come back and bite us in the butt. Healing is about the "internal" (which is us) and not the "external" (which is them). We can't control what they did, what they will do, but we can control ourselves.
I know - all of this sounds like a bunch of mumbo jumbo LOL, but what is the alternative? To live each day miserably with thoughts of THEM and waste precious moments that we could spend more wisely?
just my thoughts for what they're worth ;D
`charmed
Re: definition of 'let it go' charmed: Here's something else to think about-
When there is a break-up our insecurities and "defects" come out - the insecurities that have been with us for a long time. This could be anger issues, abandonment issues, rejection, low self-esteem, etc. This is a time to recognize and work on those. They will be with us until we resolve them. Often we find that our pain isn't as much about the other person as it is about our insecurities. The break-ups cause these insecurities to resurface. They will follow us into the next relationship if not dealt with.
Re: definition of 'let it go' charmed: Also LOL Dr. Phil speaks of "minimal effective response" -
Below is an excerpt from from his site that might help:
"Getting emotional closure means that you can "close the book" on your situation and its associated pain. You can put that book of pain on the shelf and you will no longer have to take it down and read from it on a daily basis.
In thinking about your MER, analyze your alternatives for action using this four-part test:
1. What action can you take to resolve this pain?
2. If you were successful and achieved this action, how would you feel?
3. Does the feeling you will have match the feeling you want to have?
4. Remember the word "minimal": Could there be some other, more emotionally or behaviorally economical action that would give you the emotional resolve you want to feel?
For example, let's look at the story of Rhonda, a woman in her early 30s, who, starting at the tender age of 12, had been beaten, raped and sexually exploited by her biological father. Once this heinous behavior had begun, Rhonda's sense of self-worth — all of her hope, optimism and esteem — was shattered. Through her father's actions, she had been assigned and browbeaten into a role, and with a broken spirit she accepted that fictional self-concept and the painful life script that came with it.
As if to add insult to injury, her father had recently passed away. As a result, Rhonda was a caldron of emotions. On the one hand, she was relieved that this evil man no longer walked this earth; on the other, she felt guilty that she wasn't sorry. Also bubbling around her emotional pot was a sense of rage and frustration that he had died without ever having been held accountable for his actions.
Rhonda could consider her possible MERs by asking herself, "What is the least thing I can do in order to feel vindicated, to feel justice, feel liberated from this emotional prison that I'm living in?"
Her father had died, but maybe she knows the whereabouts of one of his "buddies" — who had also raped her. Maybe Rhonda's MER is to go see that person and look him in the eye and say, "Don't you think for a minute I don't know what you did to me and I want to be heard. You need to know the pain you caused me. You need to know what it's done to my life and my marriage and my relationship with my children, you no-good, rat-bastard son of a bitch."
Maybe that's her MER. Maybe she needs the cathartic effect of getting that heard. Or maybe Rhonda needs to take advantage of the fact that there is no statute of limitations on molestation and go to the authorities, file a complaint, and have this SOB arrested and put in jail.
As you consider your own triggering event and the nature and degree of the suffering you've endured, what is your MER? Maybe you don't feel the need or have the courage right now to do either one of the kinds of things that were contemplated for Rhonda. Maybe what you need to do is write a letter and write down all your thoughts and all your feelings. Maybe that does it for you. Maybe you even need to mail the letter, if your event involves another person. Perhaps, like Rhonda, if you can't mail the letter, then you might need to go to the offender's grave and read it to him or her in the cemetery.
Whatever your MER is, you need to identify it and you need to do it. You need to emit that response until such time as you can say, "OK, that's it. That's enough. My lens is clean. My emotional business is finished and I am free to go back to being that person that I now know that I am."
Forgiveness is also often a part of a successful MER. It can be a difficult step, but one that may be essential to you getting emotional closure. Without forgiveness, you are almost inevitably destined to a life marred by anger, bitterness and hatred. Those emotions only compound the tragedy. You are the only one who pays the price by carrying the negative emotions with you, allowing them to contaminate every element of your current life. Forgiveness is not a feeling that you must passively wait to wash over you. Forgiveness is a choice, a choice that you can make to free yourself from the emotional prison of anger, hatred and bitterness. The choice to forgive is not an easy one, but a necessary one.
Re: definition of 'let it go' riversandlakes:
BOY did i seek definition; but guess what. I think it is as simple as continue living. Duties, laughters and the continuing pursuit of happiness.
Some say they didn't have to forgive in order to let go. I am in the other camp. THere is no justification for the cheating. They have hurt us so deeply.
Just about thirty minutes ago my mind flashed back to the moments when we had complete trust. I could almost hear her voice, her body's warmth, and her soft flesh to my touch...
I closed my eyes, willed it to leave me, and after a while, it did.
I have a freaking huge exam on the 19aug, a mere three weeks away, before lifting off this place, never to return (if I can help it). And I'm only 10% anywhere near readiness.
Most of the days I'm well now. She cannot hurt me anymore. But I'm not completely over the finish line. Some thoughts of her sharing herself with another man brings me discomfort - but nothing more.
Soon, under new skies, it shall be nothing at all. Trust in Time to do what it does best - making us forget...
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