my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. Snatcher: Me and my wife were together for 4 years before we got married. I wanted her to finish college before I would marry her. I was already graduated. She is the sweatest, cutest, most loving woman I have ever known. she was also my the first and only woman I had ever been with intimately. I was always very picky about my women and wanted the perfect one to marry. I found her. Good christian girl from a freat family just like mine. became a teacher just like both of my parents. her family loves me and mine her. She addores me to no end and always has. What could possibly go wrong? We were married for nearly 2 years when I found out she cheated on me. Our marriage has been the Best. No complaints from either of us. Sex life was great, communication was great (so I thought). She became friends with the superintendent of the school she worked at. She told me of the friendship when it first started. He had told her that his wife passed away a year ago and he was lonely and needed a friend blah blah blah. So she said she felt sorry for him and wanted to be his friend for him to talk to. I told her BAD IDEA! I told her she should keep their relationship pofessional. she agreed to do this. So now their friendship became a secret and I had absolutely no idea. a few months later i caught her in an arguement on the phone with her best friend who she never argues with. I snuck up to the door and could hear her friend on the other line. I hear her say "you are married and should not have done that!" I became light headed and started to shake. I had to find out what she did. just then my wife saw me and said something to her friend and hung up. She Been Busted. I questioned her and probed her and found out she cheated on me with her superintenent. without going into detail she did about everything you can do without actually have sex. lets just say he got his. I was sooo upset. I couldn't believe it. in shock for days. kicked her out for 2 weeks. but i missed her and she was so sorry and cried hysterically. she feels so guilty and dirty. I went out with some friends a couple weaks after it happened and had opportunities to hook up with some women but had absolutely no interest. anyways, the next day i told her to come home and I'll see if i can get through it. we went to some counsiling which to me is a joke because all those people do is sit and listen then tell me things i already know and give advice i've already tried or am doing. my wife needs the counciling, not me. My wife's dad tried convincing her that she was manipulated by this man she was with because he has done it before at his old school district and was a pro at it. I dont buy it and never will. nor do i care if he was manipulative. she made the choice. oh yeah, sickest part about the cheating, my wife is 22 years old and the man she was with was 60. she swears he looked under 50 but holy shit, that just confuses the hell out of me. tells me it was an emotional attraction i guess. 60! and all my friends know because thats how i coped during the few days after. told them all about it. I regret that because now my best friend will hardly even talk to my wife. It was been almost 4 months now. still struggling. need advice. Sorry So Damn Long.
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. freovir: sorry to hear about your pain. what i am going to say is not going to be anything you really want to hear, but i've been in your situation and knowledge is power. By no means does my situation or reaction or even its outcome have to be yours. Bare in mind i am nowhere near an expert. I'm just a bloody english teacher, but i have personal experience with infidelitty.
In the summer of 2000 my then 24 year old wife had a three month affair with a co-worker. I discovered the affair much the same way you did. She swore it was over and would never happen again. She seemed to think that was all that was necessary to regain my trust. I tried to forgive and I think i did, but it took until at least the summer of 2004 for me to truely put her affair behind us. no, that's not actually true, i don't know if it was ever totally gone, but i could think of it without feeling sick and that was a major progression.
Fast forward to February 2005. My wife met a man in the bar and "it was love at first sight." I think her experience as a cheating hore made the second (that i KNOW of - you NEVER REALLY know for sure) affair much easier. She left, and i was left to pick up the pieces. Not all that fun, but you go on. What choice do you have.
If your wife will not participate in counceling (marriage AND personal) i would be very sceptical of your ability to move beyond this anytime soon. Even if she agrees it will require an awful lot of work on both your parts. Are you willing to bust your ass to keep your cheating wife?
It appears you do not have children, and i would highly recommend you do not for a considerable time. At least not until you can think about what your wife did without your face getting red and your heart speeding up.
If you need to talk, or have any questions you are not comfortable posting here feel free to pm me. I know this sucks bad, but YOU can get through it. Most importantly, it is YOUR choice as to whether or not you want to.
keep us posted.
--freovir
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. Lumpy: You obviously love your wife very much. Search your heart. Can you forgive her? Can you put this behind you? Don't be so quick to dismiss therapy. It's all about finding the right therapist for you and your wife. Talk to her about how you feel and find out what her wishes are as well. It sounds like the ball is in your court now. Try and figure out what you want and pursue that course of action.
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. bjs2005: I feel for you man, I feel for all of you who's spouses and significant others are that weak of people that they can even prevent themselves from cheating. At least mine left, didn't leave a note, moved away and never told me if she was screwing anyone else. Not that I'd care at this point, I think so little of her, it would be hard to think less of her no matter what I found out about her.
If you want my advice, bail out. There are plenty of women out there that will not cheat on you and make you just as happy. You don't have any children so you can make a clean break from her.
For me, the worst part of being cheated on would have to be the violation of trust, and the ridicule of the marriage. These would be the issues I would have to deal with. No one wants to marry the town whore, no one should have to suffer that kind of humiliation. Manipulated or not, if she's that weak of a person, then others can/will manipulate her.
I really feel for you man, I can only imagine the nightmare you've been living.
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. Lome: I am so sorry that this has happened to you.
We share a very similar tale. My husband's affair was far from discreet; however, we are trying to make things work out. Ask your self the questions posed by Lumpy and think on what freovir had to say.
I can tell you, I was totally unprepared for what happened to me. We had, I thought, the perfect marriage....
My husband is not interested in therapy either. I have been doing some research and this site is currently helping out.....
Be prepared...even when everything is going great...it is hard work...and you will have days that just hurt.
there is a great some great threads that will help...
mine is 12 steps to a happy relationship and another is surviving an affair. I will see if I can find the links for you...my machine just is being slow currently.
Feel free to pm if you need to chat....
School starts in a week and I need to get my head together too....
Good luck,
Lome
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