Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. Konan: Hi Snatcher,
I'm with BJS - bail. My wife cheated, and while I loved her with all my heart, there's just no true, 100% recovery from such a breach of trust, the very foundation of an intimate relationship. The truth is that it will NEVER be the same, and you need to grieve the loss of that, just like I had to.
There is a saying that captures our situation:
"What upsets me is not that you lied to me, it's that from now on I can never believe what you say."
Do you deserve to always doubt, to have that low-grade anxiety always simmering beneath the surface wondering if she'll do it again, what is she doing, where was she really, who was she really with? No, clearly no, none of us deserve to be in that mockery of a true, loving relationship.
Re your regret about telling your friends what happened - man, that will be your life saver. When you start to feel weak and start nostalgisizing the good times and minimizing the awful thing she did, when you start wondering about getting back together, it is your friends who will remind you of the hell she put you through. In my case I was very upfront, painfully so, with my friends and colleagues. It was embarrasing for sure, but I knew that if I didn't come clean I would be more prone to sweeping it under the carpet and try to get back together. It hurts now, but in the long run I KNOW I'll be better off with someone who has integrity and who values trust, someone I can relax with versus always wondering when the next crisis will be.
So, coming around to your question, I believe firmly that while a marriage may be able to survive an affair, (1) for how long will always be a question, and (2) it will always be at the expense of the cheated-on spouse/partner's mental peace.
Take care, Konan.
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. Snatcher: Thank you all for the advice. I wish i could hear from someone who has successfully survived an affair and become just as close to their wife as they were before, but I guess that's probably pretty uncommon. I think one of the worst parts about the entire situation is the embarrassment and knowing that the other people we are hanging out with know. I use to brag about my wife and marriage, cant do that now. I use to be so proud of where i was at in life, cant do that either. And i have her to thank. I know she wants to do whatever she has to to save the marriage, but to me that seems selfish. I would think that if i did this to the one person i loved more than anything i would make it easy on them and leave them because i did not deserve their love. every time i mention divorce or seperation as a possiblity in the future its like i'm threatening to kill her. I have always been So against divorce and never thought it would happen to me. wasn't even a possibility. then the impossible happened and now I actually have to consider it. I've never been so messed up before and wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I love my wife, but I dont feel like I am "In Love" with her anymore. every day there is something that is said or happens that reminds me of what she did, whether it be on t.v., at work, or hangin out with friends and someone says something unintentionally that just gets my blood boiling and then its usually followed by one of those awkward moments where they know they said something that might bring these feelings up in me but their not sure if i caught it so there's that weird silence. How long will that shit last. I hate that. I hate thinking that i can never brag about my wife or marriage again. how can you live in a marriage that you are now ashamed of. will time heal all wounds or will their still be that big scar that everyone sees and remembers? If anyone has ever made it through an affair and found the happiness, love, and trust that you once had Please share. Its so hard to be optimistic. Its hard looking at my wife and not knowing if i can spend the rest of my life with her or not. not knowing if i can Really trust her or not. I trusted her as much as one could be trusted before all this. Her cheating was not possible. but it happened. So now i will always think in the back of my mind that it Is possible. Damn I'm lost.
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. bjs2005: In my opinion, she divorced you when she did what she did with that other man. She made the decision for you. I don't know if my fiancee was cheating on me, but if I would have found out she was, I would have put her out on the street with the rest of the trash.
She cheated on you willingly. She did those things to that man, 38 years her senior by her own will. She wanted to. She did it all behind your back, and had you not caught her, she would probably still be doing it.
That alone would be enough for me to pack her stuff for her and send her on her way.
You sound like you want to make things work with her and I don't think that's impossible from your end, just when she cheats on you again, she's going to be a lot more careful and probably plan on leaving you with the OM.
Feh. I hate cheaters. Weak minded, weak willed people.
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. Kermie: Alright I throw my hat in the ring it will not be what you want to hear but its the truth from one person. I had been with my ex for 14 yrs married for 8. 10 years ago we split up for several months and she ran to another guy, it was short lived but it always stuck with me. I loved her more than life itself and I was always doing the bragging of how wonderful she was, my soulmate, and she did the same. We were a very happy couple 2 kids nice house, sure we partied a little to much (as I look back clean and sober) but we were ment to be together. Everybody thought we could survive anything. One year ago she asks for a divorce, she runs to the arms of my best friend at the time. Point - Once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe your wife is different but that is for you to decide. If you can live with the fact that she has done it before and that you will always question her and the other man will always be in your mind when you are with her. I can't complain to much I have 2 great kids from the marriage and a lifetime of lessons that I learned. But in the end you have to look at yourself and see if his is something you can live with. To me it was worth it because I did have many years of happiness afterwards but now I live knowing that she should have never been trusted. It is a double edged sword, you have to decide weither you can put the sword in the closet and lock it away forever or carry it with you and one day perhaps get stabbed again. I can really offer you no direction just a different point of view. Hope it helps
Re: my wife cheated on me, need advice or just words. a little long. Lome: If you love her, it is worth one more try....see if this helps.
I understand the turmoil of emotions you feel right now....but, I believe that we can work towards developing a good marriage again.
Will it ever be "perfect" again? I do not know. But, I drew a line in the sand and said, "This is where I am today...and I will fight for my marriage."
If it fails, it will be with my eyes wide open and on my terms.
He came back on June 1....it has been almost normal for this entire time....do a search on me, and you will see what triggers and my story if you are interested....
From alot of research I have been reading (science major, I research everything), if you can let go of your anger and she is really sorry for her mistakes....you can build the foundation back...it just takes alot of time and effort.
Really, if is your call....but, I would look into couples therapy and have a cooling off time or even a formal seperation prior to deciding to change your life forever....
Good luck
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