What the .... am I doing? kizzmekate72: Okay - so husband who left me two months ago and I went away for the weekend together. It was a very eye opening experience. We had fun, we had tears, we had laughs, we had intimacy. I found out a lot of things about his life that I had suspected but that he had been lying about at the time they were happening. He had been dating and sleeping with other women for almost two months before he left me. I knew in my gut it was going on and now I have validation. He even cheated on me while I was out of state for three weeks while my father was on his deathbed. Husband assumed I was up there cavorting around with the man I had been with one time earlier this year. Yes I was spending a lot of time with this man but I turned down sleeping with him numerous times because my husband and I had agreed before I left that we were going to give it one more year and be faithful to each other. Yeah Right.
Okay so I found out these things. I forgave these things because if you forgive it is easier to let it go and end the suffering. The longer you hold on to it the longer you suffer. I found the phone number of one of the girlfriends and another is a former best friend of mine. I was tempted to call them and say he moved back with his baby's mama, but why? I'll take another xanax instead.
So the weekend ends and we come home. He has moved back in for now. But now I don't know how this works. He did file for divorce, but never finished paying his lawyer. I found the divorce papers today in his stuff along with receipts and a western union paper that shows his mother sending him money the day he filed. I promised him I would not go through his stuff but I could not help myself. I am trying to piece this together. I am trying to figure out of there really is a chance or should I tell him to get the hell out. He says he wants to live here with his daughter and I all in separate rooms. the place is big enough to do that. He says he will stop sleeping with other women but that he still wants to date and wants me to date too ( I already have been, just not multiple like him). He is very different now. He has changed into the man I always wanted him to be. I am so attracted to him and he reminds me so very much of the man that I fell for really hard earlier this year. In hindsight I think it was the man that reminded me of who my husband used to be before we got too codependent on each other. This is why he thinks we should see other people still. To keep things in check. But on the other hand he says maybe this can work this time. How many times can people really try? 13 1/2 years, one ten year old daughter. He says eventually he might come back to sleep in our room, but right now he wants to sleep on the couch.
Legally I don't know how this works. he filed for divorce. The papers say he wants sole custody because we got into a very violent fight and I lost control. I was on antidepressants that wreaked total havock on my brain but am fine now that I have been off of them for 6 weeks. As far as I can tell it has not been filed in court yet. I think he still owes lawyer money. he says he is going to drop all the court stuff. Right now we are not even supposed to talk to each other, see each other nothing. He has legal custody until September. He is in the process now of trying to get her back home to us. He lied to his mother and told her that he worked out a deal with me and that he is now living in our apartment and I moved somewhere else. They do not want me to have custody. He keeps telling me he wants me to be her mother. That is why he says he is doing this.
At what cost though? He has and had serious issues with honesty. I have a alot of questions I want to ask him now, especially since I found some things today in his stuff. He also handed me a book to read. A girlfriends phone # and a note from her were in it? How could he not know that? He has been really wonderful to me the last five days. I have been calm, pleasant and showing him nothing but love. I have not yelled or started any arguments. I have asked him a lot of questions about who and what he has been doing and repsonding with " I am happy that you have been able to have these experiences" and "I have to forgive you, and accept it because true love is accepting and forgiving somone for who they really are".
I don't know what I am doing now. I am afraid of going down ugly road. I can't go there. I so badly want this chance that he has given me to see if we can make it and be who we really are. Or am I just deluding myself and degrading myself by being so desparate to hang onto a man that wants to be don juan with a wife and child at home. Also I am terrified that this is all one of his games. That he is smoozing me to get the apartment back, to get our daughter back and then kick me out. But I really want to trust him.
Re: What the .... am I doing? AloneandCold: Beware the man/woman who says I want to try again BUT I want us to date around. No, if he really wanted to try again he would be focusing on you. He simply wants the best of both worlds. You can never make it work if he always has a backup plan anyway. Why would he try any time you guys have problems if he has other women waiting in the wings. AND no one deserves to play second string. Marriage/relationships are a duet not a quartet or anything else.
Re: What the .... am I doing? Lumpy: I don't know how much of a chance he's really giving you here. Papers have been filed, he's sleeping on the couch, you're both dating other people. Sounds like things are even more unsettled now than before the two of you broke up. I'd seriously question his desire to see other people but there's no sex involved statement. That's got to be subject to change, and probably not in the direction that you might want. I loved the line about calling one of his former flames or popping another Xanax! The path of least resistance, eh?
Re: What the .... am I doing? sourpuss: i'm with lumpy & bug. there's an ulterior motive here somewhere.
he wants to "work on it", but thinks you should date other people & hasn't told his family? red light, kizz!
i see a lot of what YOU are doing, but what is HE doing to work on the marriage?
Re: What the .... am I doing? kizzmekate72: I honestly don't know what he is up to. I think he is scared, not sure that I can be a calm rational person. Which I know that I can handle this and him differently than anything we have handled together before. I think he realizes the crazy gypsy lifestyle he has been living is not really all that great. He's majorly bi-polar. Self medicates. He said he came home to hide out from what he has been doing. He wanted something familiar and to see if we could really do this again. He told me he thinks we'd get along better as best friends than as spouses. That is best friends that live together, sleep together and are raising a child together. I asked him what the difference is between that and being married, besides a piece of paper. I don't think that the papers have actually been entered into the court system. I hate to think he had his family pay for it and he's not going through with it, hence the lying to them. If he told his mom that he came home we'd never see our daughter again. She is with them right now and they are the sort of people that would try to take her from us saying neither of us was fit. Maybe he is going through with it, maybe he's just here biding his time until I am served and then he will break my heart all over again. Only now I have stuff on him. I was so worried that he was going to use stuff against me. He even taped recorded a conversation the day before he filed where I admitted to falling in love with someone else and having a very brief physical affair but a months long emotional one. And I now find out that he had been cheating for months with several different partners and I stupidly had been with him during and since with no protection. I was so worried about him drug testing me because we had smoked herb on occaision. Come to find out he has been out there using many different drugs and I could have had him tested at any time. I have lived in guilt and terror of never seeing my child again and have been behaving and trying to straighten my life out while he's out there hooping it up being the worst possible parent he could be. I now have the validation I was looking for that he purposely removed our daughter from summer school, filed a restraining order and had her sent out of state so he could go live the high life away from me. I begged him to come back and now he's here. He says he's here for selfish reasons so I guess I had better be prepared for the worst and enjoy what time I have with him.
So now what? Do I contact his lawyer to find out the status? I surely can't afford one since I am having a hard time finding work, being married 13 years and not working the last 4. Do I contact the judge and say he has been calling me and is now living with me again? Do we both get fined or one or both of us go to jail? This is seriously f'd up. I felt good about it, but then I found the divorce papers and I am wigging out calmly if such a thing is possible.
As far as us seeing other people. He broke it completely off with one. Is ignoring others and is keeping in contact with one who he supposedly has not been intimate with and has her own boyfriend. He says he wants to go on a date with her this week, but then he says maybe he won't because he is enjoying our time together enough to not want to go. I really have been decent and loving to him and have been really trying to be myself. I broke it off with the person I was seeing , was completely honest and told him I was going away for the weekend with my husband to see if we could work it out. He was at my house when I got home waiting for me. I had to tell him to leave or I would call the police. He had broken in and stayed and ate my food. I told him to go, that my husband was with me. I took off in the car with my husband to give him time to leave. We came back he was gone. My husband had to secure all the windows and doors by screwing them shut except the one to go in and out. So my husband is now weary that he is going to have to fight for me with this man. Supposedly he left town yesterday. For his sake I hope he has. I have no desire to have my cake and eat it too. I just want to be with one person. I had cheated first, I have dated since the separation. I don't want to play the field. I want to be with one person or no one at all. My Husband has said that if I could not take the dating that he would stop. He does not want anyone to get hurt. I asked him well how do you expect someone not to get hurt. What do you tell these women? Oh by the way I live with my ex-wife and daughter? I told him last night he was just going to break my heart again. Our daughter is coming back in two weeks. I think he may just want to keep playing until then, but how will I ever trust him again. I never really did in the first place, so I guess I probably won't ever again. If you don't have trust you don't have anything.
AGAIN WHAT THE %^$* am I doing?
Breathe Kate, just breathe.
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