Re: What the .... am I doing? brokenupgirl:
Hi Kate,
Wow, you have a complicated situation. I have no idea what to do about your husband. BUT, I think you need to fight for joint custody of your daughter. That's the most important thing. If you can convince your husband to drop his complaint or sign a joint custody agreement, that would be best. Do you have a lawyer? You might want to get one (and not tell your husband!)
Maybe if you can get him to agree on how you two will raise your daughter, you can work on other things after that?
Good luck and take care.
Re: What the .... am I doing? alonewith2: I think that you should quit worrying about working things out with this guy and concentrate on getting your daughter back. That would be my first priority, and I can't believe you put more words and emotion down about him than you have about her.
Re: What the .... am I doing? kizzmekate72: Thanks for inferring that I am more concerned about him than my child. That child is my life. It is a miracle that I even have her. I had fertilty problems from day one and can no longer have children. We tried for years to have more but it never happened. That led to a lot of depression and bitterness between my husband and I. She is a very special child and has an incredibly grounded, loving take on life. She definately is the type of person that will make a difference in this world someday. She has been taught that diversity and tolerance and love are the key to saving this world. She understands that hate and predjudice and bigotry are what is destroying it. She is why I am trying to figure out how to keep my family together.
We have never been traditional people. My husband and I are taking this renewal of our relationship day by day. We are growing closer every moment we spend together and rediscovering our love for each other. I have gained more insight and information and am able to sort out the lies and the truth. Right now our biggest concern is getting our daughter back from his parents 1200 miles away to our home to live with us together as a family again. The key here is forgiveness. If you can't forgive you will never end the suffering. To forgive is to let go and move on. Suffering can only end if you can forgive and accept.
We got together very young. I had been with several people. I was his first. My husband was abused by a priest 20 years ago. I had begun suspecting this a few years ago. It was 6 mos ago when he finally came out with it that our marriage really began to fall apart. The freedom he gained by coming out about it is what fueled him to pursue this insane lifestyle he has been living the last several months. He has totally changed , he is totally confident, he is positive and he is himself. We no longer have the third person in the bedroom with us. I have actually told him several times that I am happy for him that he has been able to go out and experience other people. And I mean it. Neither of us had enough life experience when we got together. You don't know what you want let alone who you are when you are 19 and make a lifetime commitment. But on the other hand if we had not been together I never would have had children.
To top things off I just returned from a doctor's appointment. I went for a regular checkup and left being told I have a 3-4cm grape sized irregular mass in my breast. I had noticed it a few weeks ago. I am scheduled for a mammogram in two weeks. Follow-up appointment in four weeks. From the look on the doctor's face I already know the diagnosis. He was saying depending on Mammogram results we would skip biopsy and go right to lumpectomy. This could be my second bout with cancer in two years. At age 31 I had a radical hysterectomy for uterine cancer. I knew a full two years before surgery that I had it and it took 18 months for doctors to listen to me. I was told continually that I was too young even though I had all the symptoms and irregular daily bleeding EVERY day from October of 2001 until June of 2003. And I have been feeling for the last couple of months again that I was sick again. Not what I was expecting and definately not what I wanted to hear now that things seem to be going in a better direction.
So now the focus has to change slightly. Second time around with cancer will not be as easy as the first was. Husband is willing to give up his current lifestyle and help me through this. And he is doing everything possible to make sure that my child is here with her mother for however long god allows me to stay on this earth. He is dropping the divorce completely. So hopefully I will not be needing this site for much longer. It has been helpful to read others stories and see the similarities. But somehow my full story is almost unbelievable.
Re: What the .... am I doing? JerniganReturns: Eeek, the child molestation thing surely plays a part in this predicament. A year into our marriage, my wife realized---suddenly remembered---that she had been molested by a woman babysitter when she was 4 or 5. I don't doubt that this happened, though I wonder how she suddenly remembered after than long an interval. Doesn't matter, really. In the end, it led to much grief and turmoil in our marriage. Good luck.
Re: What the .... am I doing? kizzmekate72: My husband never forgot the repeated rapes he received by men of god when he was 12 years old. It haunted him everyday, ruled his life, diminished his sexuality and affected our marriage for 13 years. It was with him constantly.He did not suddenly remember it, the men were 'behind' him always and they still lurk in his head now. He was told as many of these poor lost souls are told by their abusers to never tell or he would go to hell. That he had to do these sick things so he could go to heaven. He really believed them.
It was two years ago when I realized something was really wrong when he would look out the window constantly saying that 'they' had found him. That he could'nt tell because they'd kill him if he did. Frantically drawing priests. We had to uproot our family and move back to our parents because I was not about to go through losing him again and having to deal with him trying to kill himself for months while I was going through cancer treatment. He has been hospitalized a few times since we have been together. My husband has severely dibilitating mental illnesses stemming from the abuse. Thankfully he is mostly able to maintain and be a very good provider for his family.
It took another two years for him to finally tell. It took 20 years for him to realize he had to let it out, forgive the sick creeps and be free from his demons. But I don't think that he will ever be totally free. And I am the one that has been there for him all these years. I am the one that has shown him love and understanding and helped him through every episode he has had. I am the one who knows him inside and out and how to ground him and give him security and make him come back down to earth. I am the one he has come back home to because he needs his best friend and the woman who knows him best again. This can cause for very entangled codependency which is what we are trying to avoid this time around.
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