Re: So this is probably unhealthy, right? SB: Lemondrop I like BBH's advice about mentioning it bothers you to him and his answer will show you his true colors. There's no reason anyone should have to put up with treatment like that and I'm guessing he feels badly about himself and putting you down is all that makes him feel worthy of you :)
Re: So this is probably unhealthy, right? lemondrop: [quote author=SB link=topic=16529.msg139347#msg139347 date=1123099443">
Lemondrop I like BBH's advice about mentioning it bothers you to him and his answer will show you his true colors. There's no reason anyone should have to put up with treatment like that and I'm guessing he feels badly about himself and putting you down is all that makes him feel worthy of you :)
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Wow - I feel like you just turned a lightbulb on in my head... now that you mention this it makes sense. He has told me before that he "used to be the hot guy" and he's said things like "total strangers used to approach me all the time but not any more" and other similiar things... plus when we first started to date he said "You could do so much better than me" but I reassured that I wanted to be with him... and when he says stuff about how he used to be cute but isn't any more, I tell him how cute I think he is and how sweet he is and how lucky I feel to be with him... which is why I feel a little blindsided when he says mean things every now and then... but maybe he is just saying them so that he feels worthy of me like you said... I'm going to have to think about this a little more and talk to him about it... thank you for this though - I appreciate it. :)
Re: So this is probably unhealthy, right? whatnext: Lemondrop, I was thinking along similar lines -- that, regardless of whether he is, was, or will be, the "hot guy", he needs to feel that he is in order to have a part of himself feel okay. So he puts you down to lift himself up (which could explain why he took your little jab so hard -- it's all about him).
Maybe instead of a jab next time, you could try switching it up:
Him: You could do blah blah blah.
You: Honey, I like you just the way you are.
It could even be that much of a tangent -- you don't have to answer his snipe at all...
Re: So this is probably unhealthy, right? jillieb44: Not worth it.
My stbx used to tell me when we were dating/early marriage: If you get fat I'll divorce you.
Since I'd always been thin it never occurred to me that I'd retain a lot of weight after having kids. No, that's not what triggered the divorce, but I'm sure my weight had something to do with his attitude (bad) towards me. He never mentioned my weight -- didn't have to. He treated me like crap. And then the crap led to the divorce.
I wouldn't tolerate this. That's what ended my fling. As sweet and loving as he was in person, his e-mails were downright rude. Honestly think he was doing it on purpose to gauge my reaction, but did I really want to be with someone who was playing with me like that? No.
I think you know the answer.
Jillie
Re: So this is probably unhealthy, right? lemondrop: [quote author=whatnext link=topic=16529.msg139370#msg139370 date=1123101063">
It could even be that much of a tangent -- you don't have to answer his snipe at all...
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I know... it's just that the comments are starting to make me feel bad about myself... like I'm not worthy somehow... and then I feel like I'm not good enough... but in the blink of an eye he'll tell me how lucky he is to have me in his life and he doesn't know what he would do without me... but now I'm walking around feeling like a big fat a$$ when I was just starting to feel good about myself again... so it's just hard to know what to do... but no one is perfect... and I want to give him a chance because there are way too many good things about this relationship that I really do love... that's why ultimately I think I need to slim down for my own sake so that his comments wont mean anything at all... because I feel insecure with a few extra pounds on, so the comments hit harder... which makes me think I need to either slim down or toughen up... lol... thank you all for the good feedback - this helps me to sort through it a bit...
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