Angry...really want to send... jt5639: So Ojarians...part of me really wants to send this or something like this...I feel like maybe it's a bad idea...I'm just so pissed off and never said any of this to him...what do you think?
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I still have so much I want heard. I don’t know if I’m going to send this, because I really don’t want you to know that I still think this much about this.
The last time we talked I kept saying that you screwed up, but was too angry/hurt/whatever to articulate why. I don’t want this to be a letter about blame, or igniting your guilt…but L I need you to know that you wronged me…your “best friend”. I am so upset that you took it upon yourself to decide that our relationship was not worth working on. That you held back your feelings from me for so long, until in your words “it was too late”. I am under no dillusion that we had communication problems, intimacy problems, etc. etc. etc. but L, you didn’t even give us, give me the chance to try. I don’t know what would have resulted, but after 5 years together I cannot believe you just turned your back. When you finally talked to me in January, after your retreat – I was panicked…but I feel that I stepped up. I put other responsibilities aside, I committed to the counseling, I reached out to you…and I watched you pull farther and farther away, just using that time to gain the courage to leave me.
I completely cannot comprehend your behavior during this time and after our break-up. How dare you tell me you wanted to marry me – what the fuck do you think you were doing? That was only a few months before you left me, so you must have been having serious doubts at that time…how dare you not be honest with me about something so so major. What you said about you thinking of marrying me as a “last ditch effort” is the most horrible thing anyone has ever said to me.
And two months later…to be with someone else…I don’t know why this was such a surprise to me…we started dating, what 2 weeks after you and Anne split?…but seriously, this was a shock…time to grieve? Closure?
I am angry, really, really angry obviously. There are other things too. Like this caretaker dynamic. I’ve thought a lot about this…and you know what – you only “took care of me” when it was easy…when it suited you. I don’t need someone to take care of me. I need someone to be a partner and work with me. You “took care” when I was upset about school, work, collegues, whatever…but when I needed you to problem-solve with me…our intimacy problems…I reached out to you so many times…you know I was unhappy that I shut down sexually at times…but you didn’t actively work with me to come up with solutions. You said nothing, so I blamed myself, and you started to resent me, and then it was a fucking mess. And, L when my dad died…you only asked TE for ½ a day off work…you couldn’t even give me a full day of your time. Of course TE gave you the full day off, but you didn’t ask for it, and that hurt me so much. And my depression…not something you have to solve…and I said over and over again how I just needed you to hold me, or just be with me…and I was honest…that’s all I needed, but you didn’t trust my word.
I know I am half to blame for our shoving shit under the rug, bad communication, etc. etc. etc…I want someone who will challenge me, and work with me to become a better person, friend, lover, partner…
I don’t know why I’m writing all this…I was so fucking patient…trying to be understanding when you broke up with me… but you betrayed me, you really treated me poorly, and I need you to know that…
Re: Angry...really want to send... dgiirl: Jt, I see part of myself in your letter. The poor communication, the intimacy problems, etc, so I can deeply sympathize with what you are feeling. However, I still sense a lot of anger and blame in your letter, and personally, I do not think it's good to send a letter when you are angry. I dont know how long you have been seperated, but I think you still need some time before having any closure. It's a good letter. I think you should send it, in time. But when you write it again, write it when you are not angry, when you are not blaming, when you truely can reflect on the whole relationship and admit your problems and his problems, and you are ready to move to the next step. Hopefully he'll receive that letter more openly and truely reflect on what you both have done, and you can find closure then.
I wish you the best!
Re: Angry...really want to send... browngreen: JT,
i dont think the anger is out of place.
And I think your letter sounds reasonable.
You aren't JUST blaming him, and you aren't just venting. This doesn't come off as a rant. It's angry, yes. But anger can be productive.
However, it is missing something. I think it's missing an outcome, probable or ideal.
What do you want out of sending this?
Do you want him back? You want him to consider working on things?
You want him to apologize? Dis you just want to be heard?
If so, I'd close with something about how you know it doesn't matter anymre, but you really needed to get that off your chest.
I think contacting your anger is important, and communicating it is as well-- it's great that this letter is rational. It really shows that you're hurt.
Me, when Im' angry... well, that's a whole other story ???
It's not each to step back from my hurt and anger at times and express myself as a reasonable person. I'm working on it.
Anyway, that's my 2 cents.
BG
Re: Angry...really want to send... jt5639: Hey bg,
I haven't sent it ( or anything like it) and I guess that's because I really don't know what I want out of it. I do really need to be heard. BUt there is still that hope that he will come back, that he will see the error of his ways and come back to me. My embarrassment over the fact that I feel this way keeps me from writing him. He's been with someone for 4 months now...and I know him and his uncanny, unfathomable ability to just turn his back, convince himself he's doing the right thing, and he will not entertain any other thought because he's so damn scared of himself. We stated dating 2 weeks after he was dumped by his ex of about 3 years. I remember asking him how he was feeling about all of it. He said one morning that he realized in the shower that the relationship had been over for a long time. Boom. He was done with that. Never spoke of that break-up or how he was feeling about it again. And then he dove head first into our relationship. It was not slow, he did not take time for himself. I'm sure it's similar with his present g/f. I know she's already met his family...
I want him to know how much he hurt me, but I don't know why. I feel like he doesn't understand that what he did was unacceptable. You don't treat friends like that. I don't know why I want to say these things to him. Just that I do...and that I'm embarrased by that fact. :-\
I feel like I want to slap some sense into him. I feel that these feelings are not the right reasons to send a letter like this. I want to be heard, but I'mstill looking too much for results out of my words...I need to wait until that no longer matters to me.
Thanks for bumping this. It was good to think about.
Except the thought that he had a "shower moment" about me...and that boom!, I'm gone. I don't understand him...
jt
Re: Angry...really want to send... browngreen: Yeah, well maybe he's having shower moments and maybe that was a myth from the get go.
He's messing up his life, I think. You're entitled to care about that.
no matter what the end result of caring for him is, well, sometimes I think when we see someone not taking care of themselves-- like relationship hopping-- we need to say something, or we might wonder.
But you're right about wanting results and that not being appropriate. He made his decision, and although there is no proof you can show him that says going from X to next like *that* (snaps fingers) can't be good for a person's spirit, nor can you prove he needs time to heal. He can fight your every word on that and say "well, would it have been healthier for me to stay in a relationship I wasn't happy in?"
... it's a hard comment to have a response for because like you said, he's convinced himself he's doing the right thing.
If the right thing is self preservation, which it seems to be, then yeah.
But I wonder about the people who won't be alone for 10 minutes. HOw can they process life? How can they learn or internalize the facts and feelings?
I think what you can bank on is that this girl is immaterial. She matters, yes, but she could be anyone. I suspect that She's filler, just something to keep him from being alone long enough to face himself.
Was this you, a while back? At the beginning of your relationship?
I am not saying it was, but I would be asking myself that question.
Sadly, she probably thinks she's having a real relationship with a whole real person.
It sounds like a pattern, ehe? I bet he does this again.
Of course you care, you were hurt by it.
Exposing him to himself, or to her, is going to fall on deaf ears, most likely. They are happy right now, right? In denial, but happy?
I think this is may be a lesson for you, sweetie. I think maybe you got the message turned inside out? Or a note to send to the wrong person.
I hate how much what I'm getting at sounds like babble, but I mean it from my heart and hope it helps.
BG
