Re: What do I do NOW? barelybreathing: Sunny,
Surely you can understand that your s2bx is dejected and hurt. He was forced to plunge ahead alone, without you. This after he begged, cried and did all he could to make it work and for you to listen to his heart and his feelings.
Now it is your turn. You want your marriage and you want it all back. It is time for you to beg, cry and do all that you can for him to listen to your heart. He needs to see it. He needs to see it!
This is not about pride or about ego. He needs to see you down in the trenches where he was. Fighting and hanging on for dear life! Its time for you to do the same.
Who knows what the results will be, but isn't it worth the effort and the pain?
BB
Re: What do I do NOW? SunnyFlower: I know I could totally benefit from therapy, friends and family members are wonderful support, but they often have biased or subjective advice. Problem is, I was on the stbx's health insurance, and he had me removed after he filed :-/. I am presently not in any sort of financial situation to buy insurance or pay for a therapist out of pocket, and health insurance is unavailable to me through my job.
It's been a few days since I started this thread, and i am still feeling the same....the anxiety over wanting to talk to him, to just have him LISTEN, even is crushing. Many of you have said that if he is truly happy, to let it go. I really couldn't agree more...I don't want to make a nuisance out of myself my constantly harrassing him, but i feel like i have to give trying to get him to come around a little bit a try. I wonder, too, maybe he shoud have tried harder to get me to listen to HIM in the beginning, too? He filed for divorce TWO WEEKS after I told him I wanted to seperate. (I certainly am not blaming on current situation on him, though, I think we both acted rash and foolishly.)
I still don't know when we are supposed to get togaether....I work nights and he works days so that one of us is always available for our child. He has told me i am not welcome at "our" home to talk, and he said he "certainly won't" come to my place. So, we'd have to get a baby sitter and go to a mutual place of some sort. *sighs*
Although I am glad that he agreed to talk, I know he's just doing it to pacify me. I just don't think it's natural to not communicate AT ALL, when you have a 10 year history and a small child to raise together, still. We have said barely anything to each other in 7 months.....who knows what will happen? Wish me luck.
Re: What do I do NOW? atd74: Sunny,
I do wish you luck.
As you said yourself though, you do not want to become a nusciance and harrass him. This is not good for either of you or your child. On one hand it does sound like he's trying to pacify you but on the other if he's really willing to meet up with you to discuss things it may be a positive step to *something*. Even if it's closure for you...
Have you thought about other ways to get counseling/therapy such as your local church community? I'm not a very religious person myself but you may be able to talk to someone there without having to worry about the high cost.
If he decides that he no longer wants you to contact him regarding the marriage you will have to let him go... not only for him but for yourself too. You are going to need to move on with your own life and you can't do that if you are emotionally pining for this person who doesn't want anything to do with you.
Good luck...
Re: What do I do NOW? achingallover: Hey SunnyF (as opposed to SunnyD ;))
Anywho, I second the motion pf wjat atd74 said. Check around for counseling. I know every state has state funded facilites where you can get counseling on a sliding scale. Here in CA, it can go anywhere from $5 -$125. Normally, what you'll get at these facilities are interns - like me. Some people get concerned about having folks fresh out of school, but really, I think it can almost be a better deal because we are "eager" to help, ya know. I know plenty of people who have had the best counseling experiences in their lives with interns and trainees. And above all else - it's something and for you right now, something is better than nothing. It is IMPARITIVE you figure out why you ran. If you cannot do that, more than likely you will run again...and are you sure you want to put your x and your child through that again?
As far as him making you "listen" more in the beginning...ugh, that's hitting a big nerve here with me, and probably did with alot of folks. I have wrote letters - e-mails, pleaded for a seperation and couples therapy - time and time again. What does it do to him? It makes him mad. I guarantee you, if you had your mind set on what was supposed to happen, there was NOTHING he could have said to change it. That's the thing with divorce, everyone has their own idea of what's going on and no one gives a damn about what the other thinks. Very sad.
Yeh, so go with atd74 and put it out there, but don't plead. Are you ready for couples counseling and individual counseling? If you can find a state funded facility, which I"m sure there is near you, what would be so scary about going? I don't see how your marriage can work long term without you doing some serious introspection and the two of you getting together with a trained professional to figure out HOW to be together happily and healthily.
Good luck!
Steph
Re: What do I do NOW? grober: Hey sunny,
You're H was likely devastated when you left. You made a lot of realtionship decisons for the two of you when you left and refused to work on anything. That is very hard to swallow. Now you're wanting to work things out and this time your H is in control. He will not want to let go of that.
When I filed for divorce I felt empowered for the first time since my X and I had separated. Up until that point I had been desperately trying to work things out with her. She was unreceptive even to seeing me much less talking about anything. Finally, after realizing the how long she had been lying and decieving me, I actually wanted a divorce. That changed everything.
Suddenly she wanted to talk more, see me, even offered to sleep over a couple of times. Were these attempts at reconciliation? I don't know. For us it was too late. She hadn't really changed or even learned anything. She was just afraid of really losing me (and the comfort I've always given her). Which is surprising since she had an affair and was still with TOM.
He may think you're just wanting the comfort of your marriage again, not him. Given the resistance he experienced while trying to work with you when you separated, he isn't going to want to make himself vunerable to that kind of hurt again. IMHO, I think he is unlikely to change his attitude. Maybe if you showed him how you're pursuing thearpy on your own, how you're trying to better yourself, etc. you may have a chance. But be ready to accept that the opportunity to work things out may have past. Then the only thing to do is accept his decision.
BTW, I was unable to drop my X from my insurance until the divorce was final. You may still be eligible for benefits until then. Also, some thearpists will consider a reduced rate for someone who doesn't have the means to pay for their help. You may check into that.
Click More for the next page.
