Re: What do I do NOW? atd74: Sunny,
I wouldn't go there with the expectations that he's going to want to discuss anything other than the house with you. And no, you don't want to manipulate him.
However, to make a point on him wanting you to just GIVE him the house. Legally you have a right to it. Doesn't matter what transpired really. I know I *deserved* every single penny we earned from the sale of my house because of what my ex did to me but from a legal standpoint he was entitled to half.
I wouldn't just *give* him the house but then again it all depends on how you want this to go. If you want this quick and painless then give in however, if you want this done fairly make him buy you out of your half of the home or purchase a new one. I do understand this involves a child so its a hard call to make. Just know that just because you left doesn't mean you aren't entitled to half of everything.
If he is unwilling to discuss your personal relationship then don't harrass him or manipulate him, let it go. Maybe in time if it is meant to be he will change his mind. But don't get his hopes up.
Move on with your life too. You made your choice and now must live with it. Learn from your mistake and try to make your new life better.
Re: What do I do NOW? SunnyFlower: Thanks, atd.
Can you tell I am having a bad day by the way I am spamming this post? Heh.
Herein lies the problem: I cannot make a decision regarding the house unless I know without a doubt that we are absolutely through....which wouls mean discussing "us" at this meeting. :-/
And, yes, I know I am entitled to half legally...it's really a matter of whether or not I am going to let him buy me out or convince him to let me by him out.....again....which I can't decide upon until we have one last talk about "us"....I think it would be a sense of closure (or a new beginning depending on how the conversation goes??)) for both of us.
Re: What do I do NOW? galil: Lets look at this first legaly.
Most states in the US are what we would call no fault states.
Most states as well are 50/50 states meaning you get half of everything aquired by you and your spous from the marriage date on.
For instense, if he had 20gs in a 401k before you were married he would keep that. If he then after marriage put in another 20gs then you are entitled to 10gs of that.
Same thing goes for the house. If you all aquired the house after you got married then you get half. If he had 40gs of his own money pre-marital and used it for a down payment you get none of that. Only equity that you aquired from marriage on are you entitled.
So look at what the laws says you can have in your state and at least you have an idea of what would be fair.
Now if we want to realy go into the emotional side of things it is much more difficult, as we dont know the whole story behind you and your STBX.
We can try though, yes you do have a kid together and yes he is angry at you. Oh yah and he did file for divorce.
first of all what do you think he should have done? Waited while you went on with your new life without him? Nope any self repsecting person that is trying to move on and cope with someone elses decision of leaving has to move on.
Unfortunatly I dont buy into the lets try a seperation game to see if I can live without you. He had a perfectly good reason to file for divorce and move on. He needed his own closure to the turmoil YOU created in his life. marriage is not like that, either you work through your problems together alone or with help or you dont.
So I would say his decision for filing was justified and definatly called for as according to your own words you made it very clear to him it was over and counseling was never going to help. What else was he supposed to do?
As far as him being angry and hostile towards you I am not sure that means there is still any kind of love there that he has for you. I am sure he is still hurt to some extent and bitter especialy the way you left like you did.
Now as far as having a child together there in lies another big question that you might want to look at. Why was thatnot a factor when you left him high and dry? Now it seems to be part of the equation. Fact is it was not a big problem then so now why should it be a problem now?
Look I am realy not trying to be mean or nasty to you at all. I do have the sad position your STBX is in. So of course I am going to be a little bias here. But in all reality from an outsider looking in you look to be a very selfish person.
That was what YOU wanted back then and now it aint what you want anymore. Why should you get everything YOU want? What about what HE wanted when he wanted counseling? See this is is exactly why I know My ex wife was a waste of ten years of my life. Anyone that can throw ten years away without even trying is about as important to me as a root canal.
Ok I am getting to personal now and need to back off a bit.
Try to think about others rather than yourself and what you want. Leave the poor man alone and let him have his happiness what little left he can have afte the damage that you did to him.
I know for me persoanly I am doing great finaly but it took a long long time and I know I will always have some feeling towards my ex, mostly of it bad though. I just wish she would leave me alone and quit suing me and quit trying to take things that are'nt hers.
You asked the questin when is enough. I would say enough was way back when you left him and told him it could never work.
Trust me if you keep going down this road he will only resent you even more.
Some people just dont know what a good thing is and then poof they throw it all away.
Hows that song go? They paved paradise to put up a parking lot?
Please get some profesional help, I think in all honesty you are lost and still lost and have alot of issues to work through that none of us here on Ojar are capable of dealing with.
By all means though dont leave here as you are just as important as everyone else.
Re: What do I do NOW? achingallover: SunnyFlower - Yes, I hear the pain in your voice and I am sorry for your pain. I do so recommend getting into personal therapy if you aren't all ready. I say, deal with the house as if you all are over - divorced, done. That's how I would proceed in this. It sounds like there is TONS of hurt on both sides here. If you have made it known to your x that you want to get into couples therapy and work, then the ball is in his court now. I agree with Galil in the sense that you have put your invitation out there, now you must let him be. If he decides to take you up on that offer, that is his decision. You cannot do anything about what he will choose and you most certainly cannot rush him or have any expectations. The only thing you can do is let him know you want to work in a theraputic setting and then let it be. Honestly, I think the best thing for you would be to get into your own therapy and figure out what made you run out on the relationship (and then come back and share it with us, as most of us are trying to figure out why our mate just up and left! ;))
Seriously, though, if you have told him that you are sorry and you were wrong and you'd like another shot - working with a trained professional , that is all you can do. If he says no, you must repect that and move on. I'm sure just your telling him this after 7 months must be totally confusing and painful for him to hear. Put it out there and then let it go. If you are meant to be together in the end, you will be. Get into your own therapy and figure this out. Good luck on your journey.
Hugs-
Steph
Re: What do I do NOW? niceguy: I think I may have been one of the original people who got some of my early frustrations out in a post to you. I just wanted to offer some new thoughts based on the last 4 months of my growth. I too was left by my wife for many reasons, lack of that feeling of love was the main theme. After she left I was devestated, couldn't believe after 9 years that was it. How could she not love me? I was confused, angry and scared. I did my fair share of begging as well. That made me ashamed of myself. As time passed I began to realize certain things that I was missing in my marriage.
I began to truly see that I needed more. Sad as it is to admit I began to feel relieved that our problems were not in front of me everyday. Does this mean I didn't ever have feelings for my wife?...absolutely not...I loved her more than life itself, but if she didn't want to work on things what could I do? I've been trying to see all the things that I need from my future partner. So I guess you could say I'm moving on. Right now the worst thing that could happen to me is to have her come back to me and beg for a reconciliation. If she wanted 1000% to work on things that might be a different story, but I don't think that would happen and that's why I think it would be the worst thing. I think the only reason that she might come back would be because of feelings of guilt, or missing the idea of us, or even jealousy that I could have a life without her. Someday we would be right back where we were 4 months ago. I know you had a child so that's makes things more complicated, but if you are not in this 1000% and you are just havings doubts give your husband the space to live his life.
I'd like to think I would have the same strength as your husband if my wife did decide to come back, but as a good friend has shown me you don't know until it's in your face. Ultimately now it's his choice and as hard as that may be you need to accept his decision just as he had to accept yours.
Like aching I would strongly recommend personal therapy, if for nothing else, just to find out why you want him back.
Good luck, keep us posted.
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