To be friends or not? twnklstrz24: After breaking up with me, my ex says he still wants to be friends in the future after we have some time apart. I was willing until I snooped in his email's to his best gal friend to discover that he's a jerk.
Now I'm unsure whether I want to be friends with him after I heal. I didn't want him out of my life forever, but I don't know if he's worthy of my friendship especially everything he said about me in the emails. Should I forgive how he hurt me or just let him go for good?
How many of you are good friends with your ex?..What is it like?
Re: To be friends or not? charmed: I'm still in a limbo stage of a few emails here and there and nothing has been settled as far as "friends". My ex-bf has mentioned wanting that, but we haven't discussed it further (long story LOL)
I would weigh the benefits of remaining friends versus the damage that could occur. Is this a person you would be friends with if you hadn't known him on an intimate level? Is he deserving of your friendship? What does he have to offer as far as friendship?
I feel many people use the label "friendship" after a break-up as an appeasement or to ensure security aka a back-up plan. Real friendship consists of trust, feelings, mutual respect, giving, taking, being there for each other. I think you need to look at what his "need" and "want" is and if it isn't true friendship, I would lean towards cutting the ties.
I wish you the best
`charmed
Re: To be friends or not? dgiirl: As my therapist told me, you cant be friends with someone you have emotional feelings for. Otherwise, you'll always be hoping to get back together and never move on. You need to take a few years off from each other, and then if you want to be friends you can contact him. On the other hand, you do NOT need to make this decision right now. Stick to NC and move on with your life. If he wants to be friends after some time alone, he can make the first move.
Re: To be friends or not? tara: I'm friends with my ex, but ours was a mostly mutual breakup, and there was no betrayal or abuse and no hard feelings. In fact, by the end of it, we were more roomates who occasionally had sex than actual married people planning a life together. So, it was pretty easy to slide from that to friends. We just moved out and stopped the sex.
Re: To be friends or not? paralyzed: I have one boyfriend that I'm still friends with after we broke up. It took years to get there. So I wouldn't expect him to still be on your best friend list - it's just too painful.
But if he was talking badly about you, why would you want him as a friend in the first place? He might be giving you the "be friends" line to make him feel less guilty about the breakup. Isn't that pretty much a standard line?
I think you are right to evaluate what he could offer you as a friend. If he badmouths you, it sounds like he's not good friend material.
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