Let her know ? or be Strong ? no more tears: Hello ppl. Once again in need of ur advice and support. Long story very short my g/f left me 2 months ago and moved away. Since then i have talked to her maybe 5 times. The 1st few times was just plain conversations ..then last time i broke down and poured my heart out. Is this wrong ? Next time i talk to her should i act like nothing is bothering me ? A friend told me to act all happy like nothing is bothering me when i talk to her but why do i feel the need to pour my heart out. The last convo i broke down and lost it...and she still talked to me like she wanted to hear everything i had to say..and she also said she does miss me and thinks of me...which gives me hope for a 2nd chance...So that even more makes me feel the need to let her know how much im hurting... how much i miss her. So why should i act like im fine if im not ? My current thinking at the moment is when i act like im all happy and everything is just peachy...i wont hear from her again because she will just assume ive moved on to the next girl who smiles my way. We both did wrong in the relationship but the way she left she deserves to feel like sh!t. ( she didnt leave me for another, just left in a rude way ) I know the sweetest revenge is happiness but im not happy....im not moving on...ive only fallen back. So why should i lie ? yea i realize u can argue if they know ur still hurting that gives them all the power...but u can also argue if u tell them the truth maybe it will hit them that damn this person really does love me. Stuck in limbo regarding how to act next convo...which will be very soon. Advice on this one ? anybody ? Be strong or let her know how much pain im going through ?
Re: Let her know ? or be Strong ? fcard05: nmt, i know the pain you are going through... i went throught it and to a certain degree i'm still going through it. my wife of 10 yrs left me seemingly out of the blue and i was shocked and sad and desperate. now what i'm about to tell you isn't easy but it is the lessons i have learned. i made every mistake in the book but i rectified my behavior quickly. and over the last two months i have read a lot of books on the subject and they re-inforced the instincts that i felt. so here is my advice for what it is worth:
1) Do not pursue her in any way. No more heartfelt talks, no more talking about the relationship in general. trust me, this is stuff right out of all the divorce books but i actually lived it... i did everything you're not supposed to do and it only pushed her away and alienated us further.
2) Focus on making your life better and happier. It seems impossible right now but it's not. At first you feel like you're just acting because you're heart isn't into it. But a funny thing happens along the way, you do actually become happy. I was devastated 7 weeks ago... today i am upbeat and positive. i still love my wife but i also understand that i must move on without her. if she wants to be with me she will catch up.
3) Limit all contact with her as much as possible. Do not call her, email her, whatever. Give her the space and time she needs to a) figure out what she wants out of life and b) feel what it's actually going to be like with you out of her life. She can't feel these things if you're in constant contact with her, and you can't focus on yourself until you detach yourself from her.
4) When you do have to talk to her, do not argue, remain upbeat and confident. Even if you're feeling like crap you must portray yourself in a positive manner.
Again, this stuff is all straight out of the divorce books but I lived it and I made every mistake listed above and then some. Only after letting go and focusing on my own happiness did i notice any change in my wife's behavior and attitude toward me. The odds are still against my marriage being saved but I know that by doing the steps above I have given her reason to doubt her decision to end our marriage. Whether it works out or not I know that I can live a happy and full life without her... and you can do the same.
Take care and good luck!
Re: Let her know ? or be Strong ? Smiley17: I would agree with fcard here.
That's great advice. It's hard to do, believe me, but you'll feel so good with yourself when you accomplish it.
Re: Let her know ? or be Strong ? Lumpy: In full agreement with fcard. Made all the same mistakes. Pursued, begged, pleaded, reasoned, wrote, called, e-mailed and so on, and so on. I think as long as you play that role it actually makes it easier for them to leave. It empowers her and degrades you. Basically, in a weird way, you're supporting her decision. You're telling her that you are desperate. That you will take her back under any circumstance. This being the case why shouldn't she roll the dice? She knows that you will be waiting to catch her should she fall. If you back away she's on unsure ground. You cut off contact and her insurance policy is now in doubt. I know that it's game playing to some degree but right now you're forfeiting the game. All that being said you have to go with your heart. I'm the type of guy who is accustomed to wearing my heart on my sleeve. Like fcard, I now feel that this was the wrong tact to take. It wasn't until I moved out and backed away that she wavered at all. Be strong.
Re: Let her know ? or be Strong ? Erin: I agree with both of them, but at the same time you do have a right to tell her how you feel. The hard thing about that though is you can only do it when you don't have any expectations from her.
If you expect that in telling her your feelings she'll come back, you can't tell her. If you are telling her your feelings just because you need to get them out and that's it, then I say why not.
You may need to go through the process fcard mentioned, before you can get to this point.
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