Dating while sep. STBX cant handle yet - could I have found love? Tegannewt: Hi - New here - and have enjoyed reading posts. I am in a state right now. I have been leg separated for 3 months - emotionally/phys for at least 6. After the finances were straightened out, I decided to meet new people. It was a fear I wanted to overcome as I thought "dating" has changed as much as fuel prices around here and wanted to start figuring it all out. I was married for 7 years this Oct. Upon my third casual meet - I met Kevin. I have never stopped smiling since - we have found a peace with eachother - no games - open and honest - someone that listens and cares for me. I have my ups and downs and he is there with out prejudice. I have put it all out there - who I am and what I seem to be about, and he stays!!! I have never felt so content and complete which is odd for a analytical and thinker as I am. I melt and my head is quiet. We talk all the time and for the last three weeks are insep. We HAVE talked about marriage, and living together, our fears and skeletons. We are on the page for so many things. We are crazy about eachother - deffinately falling and I am truly blessed to have found him, I think it is going to go far. BUT......
STBX is not there yet - he is depressed, regretful, and is blaming himself for everything dispite it being both our decisions. It is taking him longer to deal with his emotions. I am trying to be there for him to encourage while protecting myself from his passive aggressive manipulation , in effect he wants me to stop and wait for him to catch up before I do anything. I care and respect him but cant really feel comfortable with my life stopping because of his request especially when he seems to drag me down. I still love him as I would anyone that I have cared so deeply about and I would be lieing if I didnt tell you that I am torn up with his pain but keep up my walls to be dragged into it and served as a rescue. I have started my new life and he cant seem to open the door. Though our goal is to be good friends - I just feel that I cant share with him my new found love and he feels that I am lieing to him - I feel that I am protecting him. I dont know what to do. He hasnt come out to ask but he knows that I am seeing someone just not to what extent.
Help?!?!? Am I being fair to all of us? On one hand I want to turn and live this new path - on the other I fee i have immense responsability to him but KNOW I cant solve his problems or issues.
Re: Dating while sep. STBX cant handle yet - could I have found love? jason_stl: Quite a predicament. Someone who loved you enough for you to trust him is feeling remorseful and guilty about a relationship that went south for whatever reasons. Then there is another man that is laying there feeding you the words that you wished your husband would have said during your marriage.
What is fair in this situation? Probably to let go of the x if you are serious about the new guy. Trying to maintain a friendship will only do more harm to him than good, probably prolong his hurt and hinder his rebound into society. Your husband may (seen it happen) grow resentful the more you keep him in your life. Like you get the best of both worlds - the friend that was involved with you for seven years and the guy that brought passion and excitement back into your life.
Your current setup isn't healthy for any of the three parties involved, in my opinion.
Re: Dating while sep. STBX cant handle yet - could I have found love? Tegannewt: Hmm - good point. In away - as I have told him - we cant be friends at this stage - he needs to recreate himself - but he klings, I have pushed and he is even more hurt by it. Either way I cause pain. We are raising a child so the friendship thing is very important to us. As our marriage came to an end - recognizing the tells made me be proactive and make this our move in effect avoiding what my parents have ended up doing - and that is hating eachother to the point of not sharing in either of the childrens lives.
He doesnt have the support system as I have had - his friends and family have moved away and he is feeling very alone. I hate to see this in him. However, any closer to helping him will potentially put us in a more awkward dependant position that is not healthy.
Meanwile my heart is taken - my kindred could be found - and stbx wants me to talk to him all about it like that is what friends do! I dont understand -
Re: Dating while sep. STBX cant handle yet - could I have found love? mydarkdreams: I can relate to your situation on many levels. My ex, though, is volitile - but insists on telling ME all of the details of his new girlfriend (that he had a week after we split up) - and he lives in my friggin house *gah* dramafest indeed.
Now that I have a new guy, he's remourseful and wants to get back together. I DONT THINK SO.
For what it's worth, my opinion - detach from the ex and go with the new guy (my new guy is very much the same to me as yours to you, my ex's isn't like that and it doesnt make him happy).. Your ex is miserable right now, but clinging on to you isn't going to help his state any. It'll hurt, yes, but it'll hurt less if he can move past it quicker.
Re: Dating while sep. STBX cant handle yet - could I have found love? Tegannewt: Would telling him what he wants to know help him to move on - it WILL hurt him more if and when he finds out himself - he will feel like disappearing from both our lives to hide and live under a bridge if need be - where as if I am up front he may be able to gather himself up and move on. I just dont want to be that B**ch that does it in for him emotionally.
I am ready to detach and run - Lord knows how quicklly Kevin has made me realize that love at a higher level does exist. I just cant figure how to leave less of a mess behind. Is this a sighn of respect or regret or manipulation?
Click More for the next page.
