Why I gave the H. an ultimatum... Grinning_Madly: (aka Where The Eff Did All That Money Go...???)
The following very long and ugly story is true...
And it happened to me.
Here is why I divorced the H.
When the mess began 2 years ago, we were married a bit under two years.
V. and I lived in a home that is co-owned by my bro and I. V’s name is not on the deed at all.V. and I chose to live here because we wouldn’t have to pay a big assed rent or pay a mortgage on another home.
We eventually were going to buy another home and move, perhaps within two or three years from our wedding date. Staying here temporarily was a money saving move; why should we spend money on big-azzed rent when we can stay here and save our money?
MIL (who I will call Sally) is a widow in her mid 60s. Her only means of income is Social Security; she still owns her own home. It’s a single family with four bedrooms.
Late that summer, V. began acting moody and short; in late September he fessed up what was happening: Sally was having horrific money problems and it was up to him to help her out.
Meanwhile, H’s brother (who I will call Harry) was also living with MIL. He separated from his wife last year. (He would not tell me Harry was divorcing; another whole story and mess in itself)
V. and I each contributed to half of the household budget. The rest we keep in our own accounts.
When V. told me how his mother was in a hole – this was in late September of 2003 -- he asked me if he could pay off one of his credit cards in lieu of the contribution to the budget – the card is in his name. On it was our vacation and an expense for an appliance we direly needed because the other one broke.
I told him it was fine by me. He told me how much the credit card invoice came to.
I figured that was fair and pretty soon, everything would be back to normal here, budget wise, but
in January? V. stopped contributing to the budget.
After he paid his personal expenses (cel phone, car payments, etc) every single penny of his paycheck was going to his mother.
Therefore, I was paying every bill in the home. Neato, eh?
Remember, she is also getting a thousand in Social Security a month, also....so, we are talking about quite an astronomical amount of money that he is giving to his mother. (Factor in my company went bust and I was out of work)
This amount of money she was getting from V. far exceeded the amount of money she needed monthly to make her budget: WHERE THE EFF did all this money GO? And where the hell was it really going, period??
And why the hell was he not contributing to the budget HERE?
He kept telling me Sally needed his money for home expenses so she would not lose the house.
I know what her operating expenses are per month: it comes to about $1800. You tell me why she needs a GREAT deal more than that amount from V. (don’t forget she has a thou a month in Social Security coming in)
In the meanwhile? Every month I would have a war with V. He would tell me he had no money to contribute to our budget, or stare at me and walk away, or give me a paltry amount. (By the way, the paltry amount total I received for the budget from H this year? $600)
He also THREW the paltry amount at me; this was in February and in May. “I don’t have enough money in my checking account...” HELLO...you have direct deposit. AND payday was TWO DAYS AGO: wanna tell me where all your money WENT in two days????
OV...his rationale behind why he threw it? “I was MAD!”
The fighting became pretty constant at the start of April of last year.
Everything I suggested for his mother’s financial troubles was a no: she would NOT sell the home; she would move into seniors’ housing. Nor would she rent the two spare bedrooms out to boarders, and she wold not rent the home while she went to live in an apartment. (She could have gotten a tidy sum from tenants renting her home – she could live off the income it generates. The going rate for a house rental in this area is easily three grand a month)
All of these suggestions generated a NO from him, like I said.
When I suggested she move into seniors’? He blew his lid sky high and SCREAMED at me, “YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS! YOU WANT TO THROW HER AWAY! YOU WOULD DO THE SAME TO YOUR MOTHER TOO!”
Well, excuse f--king ME!
What seniors’ housing is? Low income housing for fixed income individuals. One building in her town – and in my towns and many towns – is reserved specifically for seniors and others on a fixed income.
For about $400 a month, you get a four room apt with one bedroom – the building and digs look like a college dorm, but it’s entirely suitable for one on a low income – the seniors there have parties, go on trips, etc – and everyone is self sustaining. This is by no means a nursing home or assisted living.
So she could live very royally in there on her Social Security check with no problems. But, NOOOO...not feasible, either...
Part II is below...
Re: Why I gave the H. an ultimatum... Grinning_Madly: Part two....
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I also suggested that he and Harry each kick in $500 and, with Sally’s thou, it’s two thousand a month for her to live on. Why didn’t he jump on this idea? I got a lame “I’ll have to go talk to my brother about this...” and after that? Nothing happened (this was in early April). I think that ALONE is pretty fishy.
I began getting errors in communication, also; they started about March: I would ask him to do things (cut the grass, sweep up the clumps of grass on the sidewalk out front, etc). He would then claim he didn’t remember me asking him or did not recall agreeing to do it. This would be anywhere from an hour later to a week later. Give me a break...
He also claimed Harry was living at Sally’s, scot free. HUH? Harry is fully employed: can you tell me why he is not at least chipping in for groceries?
I got sick of arguing with V. month after month.
Here is an example of one of the fights:
I mentioned to V. I needed money for the budget.
He replied, “How much is this house worth?”
I replied, “you know how much.”
He inquired, “And, how much money did you put into the company you ran last year?”
I said, “You know how much that came to, also.”
He said, “And how much savings do you have in reserve?” Pause, then, “You can last quite a while here, don’t WORRY!”
I got tired of crying and asking for money – and getting a paltry sum or no money at all.
AND I got sick of his mother being front and center, day in day out.
She would call here and it would be a ten alarm fire, every single time. (She would also call him on his cell, not on the house phone...that alone was veedddy annoying). When it was her on the end of the line? He’d literally panic – and grab that phone like it was the Pres calling.
He would claim that he would call her, crying she had no food. WHAT??? She spends well over a hundred dollars a week on food for her and Harry – wtf do you mean “crying she has no food”?
OH?? But it was fine for his wife to cry over the fact she alone was pulling the entire financial weight in the home you shared with YOUR WIFE?? WHY???
Meanwhile, there is a nightmare amount of a home equity loan that he co-signed for his mother. Where is that money? Gone, he says. (in fifteen months!) She used a portion to live on – and the rest went to pay off two other loans, he claimed, from several years ago. Jesus Christ – this is a NIGHTMARE we are talking about! Who takes out a loan to pay off OTHER LOANS???
That is screwy too: several years ago, V., Harry, Sally and a grandparent (her stepfather) were living in that home. Technically, that is four incomes coming in: you tell me WHY she needed loans back then...this is fishy, too...
So, because of this, I am expected to pay for somebody else’s financial NIGHTMARE???
Positively WRONG.
And how do I know if these other loans even existed? Maybe it is not even true! I don’t know what to believe, thanks to this entire circus.
Part Three is below...
Re: Why I gave the H. an ultimatum... Grinning_Madly: Part Three...
It is interesting to note that V. is Hispanic. Sure, it is an entirely different ethnic set up, but come on: the fact of the matter is WHERE is this horrendously large sum of money GOING?
And yet he can’t contribute to the budget of our home? VERY fishy indeed.
In April, pipes busted. To the tune of $1500. Who paid? bro, bro’s FI and I.. Nice, eh?
In mid-May, I had enough: enough of being put last (what happened to our new home we were going to buy? And what happened to the child we were going to adopt, eh, V.?) and tired of the disrespect.
I have discussed the blatant disrespect I’ve received – I have mentioned it quite often on this board – he would not stick up for me when my name was left off invitations SIL sent (they would have his name on them ONLY). To this, he’d say “Don’t take it so personally...”
“This is a SLIGHT,” I said. “This should NOT be happening.” To this, he said nothing. THANKS, V....
The only time Harry and his wife were here? For our eparty – and that was well over five years ago. Every single invitation I sent them? Not acknowledged, either.
When I mentioned to V. that Harry and wife had not been here since the eparty? Know what he said? “How about that, huh?” Is he KIDDING?!
Too many other things have happened regarding them, all too numerous to mention here. And all positively sickening and hurtful.
He refused couples’ counseling; this was in late April 2004. “You think this is over. Don’t you” is all he had to say – and suggested DIY counseling sessions held by US! Was he KIDDING???
(He agreed to go – and then three days later, said, “I don’t recall agreeing to see a counselor. Gee, when was that?” I replied, “This was Wednesday. Today is Saturday; are you going to tell me you do NOT remember agreeing to go?” He got all pissy and b!tchy – he ignored me for the rest of the day and sulked in his baby carriage)
Do it yourself counseling sessions????? It was like he did this to appease me and manipulate the situation in his favor. You know?
And throughout this entire escapade from September until May he kept saying, “You are going to tell me to leave; I am waiting...” “You’re going to get tired of me”, etc.
I had enough of the entire mess in late April ---- he could no longer be trusted and that such a vast amount of money was heading God knows where? NOT for me. And far too questionable where this money was going: he would not tell me. That alone is suspicious and a very horrific danger sign. That money could be any effing where between here and frigging Saturn!
It took me until Janaury to start confiding in an older relative about what was happening – I would not tell friends, because somehow I thought word would get back to him. Know what? In retrospect? WHO CARES if it did! I was telling them the God’s honest truth!
Re: Why I gave the H. an ultimatum... Grinning_Madly: Part four of four...
I finally told my bro about what was happening – this was on the 11th of May, the day before V. hit the road. It took me two hours to tell him what was going on.
“He is a sponge,” bro said. “Get rid of him.” Bro’s FI was just as shocked to hear what was going on. She was kind enough to listen to me re-tell the entire story after she came home from work that day.
So, here is what happened on the 12th of May – bro and FI told me that they’d stay out in the hall, but up on the landing; I left the dining room door unlocked just in case it got dicey (bro and FI live upstairs from me).
And when he got home, here is what I said to him:
“V., for the first couple of years of our marriage, you contributed to the budget and all was fabulous.
“What is NOT fabulous, however, is you giving every penny of your paycheck, after you have paid your personal expenses, to your mother. This must stop and stop NOW.
“I want you to go to that phone right now and tell her that STARTING NOW, she will NOT be getting one more cent from you because your wife and your marriage come first. And will come first from now on.
“OR you can leave. Which is it?”
He stared at me and wanted to know what “got into me”.
I said, “V., your mother is a big girl! She can indeed take her SS money and go live in seniors’, or subsidized housing! You also have to stop this enabling – she needs toughlove and has needed it for quite some time!”
He hedged the ultimatum twice more – and when he got it the third time?
This is what he did:
Went to the wall and unplugged his cell phone. He put it into his briefcase. He then went to the house phone, called Sally and said — IN SPANISH,
“Grinny is kicking me out of her house. She said pick either you or her.”
How is that for disgusting and disrespectful?
I had a sh!tfit. I blew sky high and I started to scream, “Fuck! You son of a bitch – that is not what I said! ALL that money to her and none contributed here! DID she know about this???”
“Yes” was what he calmly said.
He then turned around, said a few more words into the phone and then hung up.
And then he packed his stuff and added that he’d be back on Saturday for the rest...
And went home to MOM.
Without a whimper, without an argument, without a peep, without a “Don’t do this to us” and without even a lame “I will change really I will count on me.”
Bro and FI said that when they heard me give him the ultimatum, they were high five-ing each other on the landing.
“No way can his mother be a normal person,” his FI said.
I mean, not even a knee jerk reaction of “OMG, put her on! This can’t be happening, put her on right now...” NOTHING. You bet this is NOT a normal person!
And after he left? She did not call, either.
I understood exactly what he said to his mother – he more or less said it in first-year Spanish – gee, how nice of him; I got to understand exactly what he said to his leader!!! — plus bro’s FI understood what he said – she speaks a few other languages fluently and that is one of them. How fuck!ng DARE you lie and twist MY words around!
See what kind of respect he had for me?! NONE at all!
In one fell swoop, via that phone call, he showed me exactly what I knew he would do all along: that he’d go home to his mommy. That phone call to her only set it in STONE!
Something is very funky over there, money-wise. It is a financial maelstrom and who in their right mind will get involved in it? NONE of this began to happen until Harry began to live there. This mess has to be interconnected with him. I doubt if it is coincidence this began after he moved in.
Since we have no kids and no joint assets, this divorce is a cut and dried process.
OV...when I filed? He never even answered the complaint. He had 35 whole days to do so. Not one sound out of him.
Re: Why I gave the H. an ultimatum... Grinning_Madly: My final comments...
Nothing...this again shows you how much I was loved and respected and cherished. “Forsaking all others” was quite aptly illustrated. Don’t you think so?
In one fell swoop, you officially threw away your marriage, V. – when you dialed that number and spoke to that five star general you answered to. Might I ask you what happened to “This is the girl of my dreams”? Isn’t that what you told everyone?
Now, THAT is an interesting question...
Since he had 35 days to answer the complaint and he did not do so, this is a divorce by default. After this, it goes to court and a judge signs the papers. Day 35 came and went with no word from him.
AND it is pretty disgusting and heartbreaking to hear your attorney say to you “We did not hear from your husband” when it was time up to answer the complaint.
I saw him once since the papers were filed; a friend and I were at the beach and he was there. He saw us, looked, and then turned around, all without a word. (No doubt his attorney advised him not to talk to me – either that, or he was being a sh!thead. I vote “sh!thead”.)
I do not have the self esteem of a couch. I am far too smart, savvy and attractive to be married to someone like this and die a living death. I care about myself and I happen to come first.
Do I regret what I did? No.
Do I ever think about him? NO.
Do I say “could have been”? No.
I fairly much knew this was over long before May of last year. Like I said, any kind of trust I had for him was gone. And, love for him? How can you possibly love somebody who blatantly uses you and lives off you? There is nothing here to love.
Oh, where is he living right now? Same place: at his mother’s. How neat.
My relatives and friends were shocked to hear what happened. “What happened? You guys seemed so perfect for each other” and “I thought you both would be married forever” were two of the comments I heard.
“He told us how much he really adored you,” said somebody else.
I replied, “Well, how much did this d!ck love me – IF he chose to put his mother first over his WIFE?” To this, she said nothing.
There were also comments from my friends and relatives that were quite unprintable, also. Thanks a lot, V.
By and large, everyone pretty much thinks what happened to me is earth shattering. What kind of a man does this – just gives up on a marriage and commitment and goes home – like it’s a baseball game that got rained out?
None of his relatives called me. Surprising? No. I guess they believe what he said: that I said pick either me or his mother. If that is what they want to believe? They are fools and, man, they are not to be pitied. How freaking sad that V. wears such a halo that he’s been elevated to saint – no; Saint Peter’s job – because of what has happened.
That is my story; I’ve tried to keep it to a minimum. I never ever thought this would happen to me. Ever.
PS: He signed a prenup before we were married. I had to protect bro’s assets as well as my own. Christ – can you imagine if his MOTHER wanted a piece of this pie, also? Beeyotch: I say you already GOT enough of it.
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