keep ignoring or? yhm: this is on the being friends subject, but i didn't want to take over someone else's post. sorry if this is long, appreciate any advice if anyone has time.
after a very up and down year and a half relationship with some unhealthy drama on both parts, he broke up with me. said he wanted to be alone and heal and figure himself out. he was not open to trying any variety of solutions, as he decided the only way was for us to breakup and him to be alone.
it's now been a couple months since the breakup. since then i have not contacted him and yet he has been writing to me. telling me that he cries thinking of us, he misses me, thinks i am beautiful still. i get so angry reading these because i feel they are really inappropriate given the situation. he keeps saying that he wants to be friends. today he wrote that he wants to meet. that maybe he can't be close but what we had was beautiful and he can be a true friend now. he thinks we can have a beautiful friendship now and that he wants me to be happy. he feels we have grown through our experiences.
these are really strange things to be writing someone you broke up with right? what is wrong with him?? i don't understand why he is being insistent that we be friends, or why he can't just let me be and see what comes naturally. i don't trust the sincerity. i think he just wants to feel like things are smoothed over so he can stop feeling guilty. i know that i am not accepted unconditionally, i know that he doesn't find it easy to forgive, i know that his support is only as far as he feels comfortable and that is as long as i act happy or in ways that he accepts. how can he say he can be a true friend? i don't understand this.
i don't know what i should do.. i had been holding to no contact to try and move on. now he says if i reject this email he won't write again. it's what i was thinking i wanted, but i have to admit part of me wants him to keep trying too. i am still really angry as i start to remember more. do i write back and explain things honestly or do i keep ignoring? do i meet once and be open to exploring what's really going on, maybe finding some closure in it?
it's my first breakup so i don't really know how to sort this out. thanks for listening and any advice.
Re: keep ignoring or? ti-poux: yhm,
First, welcome to Ojar you are at the right place.
I can understand how hurt and confused you are feeling.
From what I can read, he does not want you as a girfriend
but as a friend.
What do you want?
Do you think you can handle just being friends? If the answer is yes, then go for it, but if it is done in hopes that you will get back together, I would keep the no contact rule...
Keep healing yourself, you are worth it, and if you go back for the wrong reasons...you risk missing out on a real man who can give you real love and respect you.
He may be just scared of losing you forever yet does not seem to care enough to make this relationship work.
I hope this helps....and best of luck
Take care of YOU!!!!
Chantal
Re: keep ignoring or? Lumpy: It sounds like you feel that this friendship would be one-sided and for the wrong reasons. That being the case, tell him how you feel. Do you miss him as a friend?
Re: keep ignoring or? yhm: thanks for listening, i haven't really been able to talk about this with anyone.
honestly i am still sorting through how i feel. i am not sure i want his friendship. and if he wanted to try again, i'm not so sure i would want that myself. it's like a deep trust has been shattered. you are right ti-poux, he did not care enough to make it work. and that is something that makes me wary of even a friendship. because i know that if ever faced with something challenging, he would leave or tune out. i don't need the disappointment of having a friend who isn't there for me. and i'm not interested in a casual small-talk friendship. at the same time, i don't understand how he tells me he just wants to be friends, yet also wants to help me heal which is something very intimate.
it's confusing because up to the day we parted, we were still intimate and he told me he loved me. i don't want my head and heart messed with and i see too much room for that. i'm already confused enough. and if he was scared of losing me forever why would he say he won't write anymore if i don't respond? why wouldn't he just give me some time. that's what i don't understand is why so soon after the breakup he has written me four times about being friends. it makes me feel it is more for something he needs, for him to feel better.
also, i don't wish him happiness right now and i know if i were a real friend i would. i am still really angry. i don't feel he treated me as a friend through the whole relationship. and it has caused me to doubt the friendship we had before. we were good friends before but now i think it's just because there was distance so it was easier. but once he got to see the real me, he didn't want to deal with it. i just feel like the first time i show someone in this world the true me from best to worst i am rejected. so why would i want to be friends with someone i know doesn't accept me?
he pursued me so much and as soon as i changed my life and uprooted myself to be with him, he started to have doubts. i guess that's ok and normal, but he didn't have to be hurtful. not to get too detailed, but i have some abuse issues from my childhood that i confided to him but these were later used in a power struggle and it was very wounding. i feel like a true friend would have had more compassion towards the issues i was going through, things that i was always up front and honest about.
i just am having trouble believing that he really wants my friendship. it would hurt actually, if he was truly ok with me being with another person. i don't want to see that he is ok with that. i want to see him regretting this. i want him to see that things could have been handled differently and things could have worked out but it was his choices to push it all away. i was willing to do anything.
is this stuff worth telling him or no good come from that anyways? you know, i say all this stuff above so then why is there something that i can't let go of? because obviously there is something or i wouldn't be asking right?
Re: keep ignoring or? yhm: man i can write a lot!
sorry!
i just realized i really don't trust him. he told me before the official breakup that if he decided i was the one he would find me again and today seeing him say he would stop writing if i didn't respond made me think, 'see? i was right, he would just give up like always'
if i don't know that i want to be in a relationship with him now (because a lot would have to change) why am i upset that he wouldn't keep trying hard to regain my trust. hmm.
