the shattering of my very being... waywardsoul: Hey all,
Well, I never thought in a million years I would ever be involved on a board such as this. Hell, I had no idea such a thing even existed. But, here I am, feeling so lost…
Quick rundown...6 years ago I found my soul mate shortly after meeting her and we got married a little over one year later. We built our relationship on one thing, the number one rule was that we would NEVER lie to each other. We had both been married before and knew how terrible things could get. It was actually kind of cute how neither one of us could even hide a birthday present because it felt like we were hiding something and never wanted the other too feel that way.
Anyways, things were flowing along, the first year we were getting used to each other and loving it. The second year we decided to try and have a child. The third year we had a BEAUTIFUL baby. The fourth was full of adjusting to a newborn in the house. Then came the fifth year…
Now the marriage has been solidified (or so I thought) and we have gotten used to caring for our child (who has an allergy condition which requires much dedication and attention to details) and life is beginning to slow down. I have never been a real social guy, and I don’t drink alcohol. This was nothing new to her, as I never did either since the day we met. She, on the other hand, is a people person. Loves to go hang out, have a beer and watch a football game. She is the hottest woman on the planet, and attracts guys’ attention wherever she goes, whatever she does. This, consequently has led to her having a guy friend or two, which I never liked, but tolerated because she ALWAYS made me feel comfortable with the situation.
Somewhere in year 4 she starts telling me that she needs more from me. More attention, more love, more sex. She is (was?) very sexual and could do it once or twice a day, every day. I on the other hand, was happy just to have her in my life and didn’t need it near as much. Well, unbeknownst to me, saying ‘no” to sex (no matter how nice) was essentially me telling her that I didn’t want her, even though I have never wanted anything BUT her.
Right about this time, I took a job that required my time away from home to increase dramatically. It was only to be for a few months in order to get the experience which would allow me a job to be home MORE, to be around them MORE, so we could have and do MORE.
Well, you can see where this is going…wife feeling rejected, husband gone for a week or two at a time, wife having guy friends around, husband not believing that a life built on TRUST would ever go there no matter WHAT the problem. Next thing you know, she lets another guy into our bed, on THREE separate occasions, within the span of a month. Now for the kicker…
Re: the shattering of my very being... waywardsoul: …Apparently, this happened one-and-a-half years ago. She decides the guilt is too much and cannot hide it any longer. That’s right, I had no clue until a week ago. I am absolutely shattered. There are so many boundaries to cross just to do it once (the removal of the ring, the initial kissing, the intimate touching, the removal of the clothes, etc.) that to have done it THREE times, on THREE separate occasions, and then not tell me until a YEAR AND A HALF later just devastates my world.
Her excuse for not telling me right away is actually kind of valid. Right about this time I got some news about my past that almost broke me. Suffice it to say, that my entire family had been lying to me my whole life. Then I got fired from the “great” job. And then it turns out my ex-wife had been lying all this time too. And then we had to move facross the country for yet another reason. All told, there were four instances, one right after the other. Figure each one of these took a few months to wrap my brain around and you can see where the 1.5 years went. So, to her credit (and she’s right) I would have removed myself from this earth if she had laid that on me too.
She now keeps saying how sorry she is and that she told me she needed more from me…that is her reasoning. Now, I’m not going to tell you I was the perfect husband, I have a lot of my own issues. But thru it all, my theory is that it is never OK to go out of a relationship to “fix” problems in a relationship, and that it would surely end in disaster. Call it blindness, call it taking things for granted, I just could not fathom my soul mate going down this road.
So here we are. Strangely enough, I haven’t left even though she knew I would if this ever happened. I feel incredibly sorry for her, that she ever felt low enough about us that she would try and find attention somewhere else, and I guess I’m trying to prove to her that all I have ever wanted was her. So, now I find myself doing every little thing in the book to keep her happy, when I am not the one who cheated. So then I feel like a chump, when I am the one rubbing feet, paying attention to her, going with her on all the little errands just to spend time, etc. etc. etc.
I have so many questions. The first of which, is it normal to want to know EXACTLY what they did those nights? I mean down to what she was wearing, who kissed who first, and especially what positions they were in. She has already told me more than she wants to. She doesn’t see how it would help, and sometimes declares that she “doesn’t recall” when I don’t see how she cannot have it seared in her brain. Should I even be asking these questions?
Re: the shattering of my very being... ajw: I know you think it will help to know all the facts,but take it from me it does'nt.The more you know does'nt help you understand why it just gives you more information to be paranoid about.Your wife seems genuinely remorseful for what happened,what you have to decide is,do you forgive her.If you can then what you have to do is make a fresh start,wipe the slate clean and work on being husband and wife again.If you dont feel you can ever forgive her then you need to end the relationship and sooner rather than later.
Be strong
Andy
Re: the shattering of my very being... helpmehelphim: Welcome to Ojar, I am a newbie as of yesterday.
We are in a similar situation although I am in your wife's place. I devastated my husband by going outside of our marriage for attention.
I had ended it and never intendd to tell him but the guilt became crushing.
My husband is a very proud man, and like you, feels like a chump for trying to work through it instead of kickng my ass out. Our children play a major part in that though too.
To address one of your questions, with all the research I have done, I learned that she has to be accountable for her actions and give you the answers you want, whether she thinks you should have them or not. My husband has grilled me on details and I have answered him, this brings a whole new level of shame to me, but it is necessary. I do suggest though that you think about what you REALLY WANT TO KNOW. Don't get caught up and end up having more details than you can really stomach.
I told him over 2 months ago and till this week, it was just a faceless man he had in his imagination being with me, but he finally decided he couldn't take it anymore and went to confront the other man. This put us back to square one, and maybe worse. I have no idea what he said to the other man, but he did speak to him because he described his facial features to me in great detail. But, I digress. My point is be careful of how much info you ask for, but try to make her understand that she needs to answer your questions.
I found a lot of help on dearpeggy.com and of course counseling is always a good idea. I have been unable to make time to go, but want to, and my husband absolutely refuses.
He feels that he cannot talk to anyone about this but me and has to work through it on his own. He apparently made some progress by talking to strangers at a bar last night who have been infidelity. He seems better today. So, I hope you have someone you can talk to about this, it does help. And this board has certainly helped me. Yesterday was the first time I posted, but have been reading from here for weeks.
Good luck, and lots of hugs to you.
Re: the shattering of my very being... waywardsoul: helpme...
Thank you for you quick reply, I am sorry I was unable to reply as quickly but work called and I had to run for the day. I did, however, get to read your story just before I left, and I must say I had to read it twice to make sure you were not my wife, but I don’t go to bars, otherwise it does indeed sound like we are in the same situation. Especially your quote about having ended it and not intending on telling, but the guilt became crushing.
As for me, I cannot seem to get the images of her and him out of my head. Unfortunately, it was not a faceless man, but someone I knew. Hell, he even helped me out with some work around the farm, found out I was gone for days at a time, maybe even found out we were having some issues, and exploited them to the fullest. After I explained this to her, she has been feeling like she was played, and is angry over being nothing more than a notch in his belt…so to speak. Me, I just want to rip the guys arms off, but he has moved since then and I have not yet been able to find him.
I have asked a few questions already, of which most she has answered, but when it gets down to details, she does not agree that I need the answers, or claims she does not remember the full details. You guys bring up a good point, how much do I really want to know. That one I cannot answer right now, as without knowing EXACTLY what happened, all my brain does is put them in every position and situation in various states of dress and undress which is driving me mad. I cant fall asleep at night and when I do, I have dreams of them humping away like mad. Then I get woke up by the very same images about 5 am EVERY morning.
I am sorry you are going thru this also. I wish us guys were more perceptive sometimes, and not go along happily with our marriages because we believe we are doing everything right when in fact we aren’t. I will say that he does need to talk to someone, and although I cannot agree that a bar is the place to do it, its better than not talking and letting it fester and boil inside him. If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know. If you have any questions I may be able to shed some light on, feel free to ask.
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