Re: the shattering of my very being... helpmehelphim: wayward...
I am glad to offer any support and insight to you as well. It is a hell of a ride. I know it does no good to think "if only", but OH, IF ONLY I hadn't let this guy into my life when I was vulnerable......Sigh.
My husband was doing better yesterday morning, but by yesterday evening, the rage was creeping back on him. He says, and I believe him, that NOTHING could be as hurtful as this.
A male friend of mine from online college has shared with me his story recently and how the male ego plays into recovery, or the difficulty of it, I should say. That is part of why a lot of times it is harder for a man to get over infidelity than a woman. This friend also says that putting it in the past and getting over it IS A CHOICE. But it takes awhile to figure out HOW TO make that choice.
I am sorry to hear that the man was known to you, and that it happened at your house...the details of our situations differ, but the pain is the same.
Good luck to all four of us in making it through this....keep in touch to let me know how you are doing. I almost wish you and my husband could talk and commiserate!
Re: the shattering of my very being... waywardsoul: hey there,
well, it did not happen at our house. BUT, knowing she had to find a sitter for our child, leave the house and rent a frickin hotel room is just as bad...if not worse. that all takes planning, and planning gives oppurtunities to back out, which she obviously did not do, or we wouldnt even be having this discussion.
and i wish you guys the best, please be patient with him, as this is gonna take some time...wheter everyone stays together or not.
me
Re: the shattering of my very being... helpmehelphim: I am glad that it did not happen at your house, but I do understand your point about "planning" vs. spontaneity. Sigh. This is another thing that infuriates my husband.
No matter how it happened, it's all bad, then some is worse, isn't it?
BIG SIGH. If only I could re-do the last 17 months.....
I will continue to be patient. It IS very difficult at times. I am redhead with the temper to match, so it is difficult to be yelled and screamed at and not reciprocate. My humility in this situation is the only thing that allows me to beat it down. It comes close to boiling over when he is calling me nasty names and raging though...but I understand he is unable to usually be civil about it when he is hurting so bad.
Re: the shattering of my very being... angry1: I have been where you are. Feel fortunate that she is at least remorseful about it. My wife was outraged when I confronted the man she was cheating with. They no longer have a relationship and she has made it perfectly clear that she will never forgive me intervening. This man was the "love of her life".
I too feel like a chump, because for almost ten months I have been the one "rubbing her feet" and doing everything I could to save our marriage. We have young children, and I so much did not want to ruin their lives. But, nothing has worked and we are headed for a divorce before the end of the year.
If your wife is at least remorseful, then suck up your pride and do what it takes to get through this. I know how difficult it is. I would do anything to hear my wife say that she is sorry, to know that there is something there to work with. But in my case, my wife was spit right out of hell and into my life. There is no hope...
Re: the shattering of my very being... OneMist8k: I don't mean to excuse her infidelity, but for her to 'fess up to you directly is amazing. Most people would try to sweep it under the rug forever. As strange as it may sound, I respect her intestinal fortitude for telling you at all.
Although you are partially responsible for creating the conditions that led to her affair, she fvcked up and admits it. Are you big enough to forgive her and move on? Do you believe she'll do it again?
I know of two other couples in similar circumstances. In both cases it took a lot of counseling and a lot of work to get the trust back. In neither case did the offending party step up like she did.
With time and counseling, you can save this. It sounds like it is worth saving. She definitely thinks so.
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