Unfaithful/abusive or not? Uncertain: [color=green"> Hi everyone. My problem is twofold. O.K. Here's what I was wondering. I got married in December last year and since then I've caught my husband sending and receiving text messages between 2am and 4am in the morning. He has started joining porn chat rooms (local ones) and I was able to get a look at his profile. Says there that he is looking for a discreet relationship, and the only requirement is that the woman be sexy with him. There've been quite a few women in the past nearly 9 months, and although I'm nearly positive it hasn't evolved into anything physical, my question regarding THIS dilemma is this. Do you have to have a sexual relationship to be unfaithful. My next question is: does slamming someone up against a wall / pushing them (hard enough to leave considerable bruises) constitute abuse? This happens every time he is drunk and he says he doesn't abuse me because he has never hit me, which is true. I'd really appreciate someone's input because I'm about half-past losing my mind right now.[color=green"> [/color"> [/color">
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? ajw: He does'nt have to have sex with someone to be unfaithful.....a good line of plumb for "what is cheating" would be,would you do what you are doing with your spouse standing there watching.....if you would'nt then its cheating
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? AmyMarie1972: Hi,
First no you do not need to have sex in order to be unfaithful. What he is doing is I consider an act of betrayal to you.
Second yes it is physical abuse if he touches you in any way that causes pain whether it is hitting or not.
My stbxh was involved in an emotional affair before he left me and then it developed into a physical thing aswell. He seems to be under the impression that he never cheated on me but he did because he betrayed my feelings and the vows taken during our marriage.
You need to tell your husband that what he is doing is not only physical abuse but mental abuse too. He has got to stop what he is doing as he is showing now thought or consideration towards your feelings and that is not what marriage is about.
You also need to decide if you can tolerate this behaviour anymore. The relationship that you have is not a healthy one for you.
I can only say what I would do if I were in your situation and that is that i would leave, but I dont know all of your circumstances and that is a decision for you and you alone to make. I would say though that the situation has got to change and can not continue the way that it is.
Maybe seeing a counseller would help both you and him if you want to try and save the marriage.
Wishing you loads of luck and sending HUGS
Take care
Amy
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? Uncertain: Ah Amy. I needed to hear that. I've told him that the minute he directs emotions towards someone else that belongs in our marriage, that's cheating. But when I try to have a civilized conversation with him, he generally gets sarcastic and I have to fight to even complete a sentence. Eventually I just shut up, for the sake of peace, and also because I'm afraid. I'm not working at the moment, depression took care of that out for me. But at least I'm not suicidal anymore. I asked him what he thought I had done to deserve treatment like this and he couldn't answer me. A marriage counsellor is out of the question, because he doesn't approve of 'airing dirty laundry'. I ask you. It's gotten to the stage where the only friends I have are online, as my family lives about 1000 kms away from me. My not seeing my family wasn't a condition of my marriage, cos then the marriage would never have happened. This was a gradual thing, until no-one came around anymore. However, we do get to go out to family every Sunday..... HIS parents. What gets me down is that he always picks a fight when we're in the car on the way there, and it's so hard putting on a brave face and pretending nothing's wrong. On the bright side, things can't get any worse, can they? Oops, maybe I shouldn't have said that :o
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? manda: Remember that OJAR is a great place for support but we are not professionals. However, I feel confident in answering your questions:
No
and Yes.
No, you don't have to have physical contact to be unfaithful. It sounds as though he has had online sexual relationships.
Yes, pushing is abuse. And he is leaving bruises. My guess is that they are on your upper arms where his hands squeeze and push. (Been there...got the t-shirt)
AND IT WILL GET WORSE.
Don't just walk away, RUN. He is lying to himself and you--saying "I've never hit you." and thinking that THAT means he doesn't abuse you.
I wish I could come over and help you pack. I know what will happen if you stay.
He needs help to manage his anger. A good therapist would tell him that it is never okay to put his hands on you in an angry way! NEVER.
Here is the other danger: Do you fight back? Because I tried that once. I'm almost 100 pounds, he is 190 pounds. It didn't go over so well. Oh, but he never hit me.
I say these things firmly, but I really really understand the questions and doubts you have. You love him. You are trying to be the wife you promised to be. Being "mean" and saying "no more" is probably not in your nature and is extremely hard to DECIDE to do. (It is easier once you've decided to do it.)
I will also say, after I DID leave, he went through therapy and we got back together and he never "pushed" me again (10 years). But it took my leaving, staying gone, and his SINCERE APOLOGY after therapy...
(I'm in here now because we are going through other problems...but that's another story.)
Good luck and keep us posted.
((((HUGS)))))
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