Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? Uncertain: Thank you sooooooooo much for the support Love and lots of hugs, from Cape Town
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? PickingUpThePieces: Wow I see a lot of similarities between your husband and mine. My husband also started doing the online thing, I found a personal ad in June which said he was looking for "networking, friends, dating". He put it up a night we had a "fight" - him having an outburst. When I confronted him about it, he said he was not there for dating, it was just to meet friends. Through the separation process, he has said he did it because he was bored but never cheated on me and never would have done anything if he got replies. Funny thing is, I've been checking it and Friday night he updated it and now has a "friend"; 4 days prior he was asking to reconcile. Along the way I'd also found a co-worker's phone number in his wallet. When he left, he stayed at an ex-girlfriend's home for a week, who he needed closure with. Ugh.
So yes, I believe that doing those kinds of things is cheating.
The anger stuff is very similar also. My husband was perfectly loving for a while...then he would have little tantrums over being unable to find the right tool, etc. He started yelling/cursing at me over minor things. He started putting me down, making sarcastic comments. Then when he got frustrated he would throw things and sometimes would break things. I actually left after one such incident, but came back for 2 months...he was ok for a while and then the put downs started up again, and manipulation...like, he didn't have enough time in his day to call me and say he'd be late for dinner or had a big lunch and if I'd been listening to him lately I would know that. One night, I was helping him with musical stuff and I had headphones on. Apparently he wanted me to sit further back from the microphone but I didn't hear him, so he grabbed me hard by each side and pulled me back in the seat. And still I stayed...never got physical again after that, but really, isn't one time enough? I, like you, was afraid to argue back or say anything...I just shut down and let everything blow over. I know now that he has serious issues to work out on his own in counseling and I'm not going to be treated badly anymore.
Good luck to you, I really feel for you. **Hugs** PM me anytime.
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? Uncertain: Hello there and thanx for the words of understanding. God, I think you know how much that means. The thing that confuses the hell out of me is that most of the time, he's the most wonderful man you could hope to find. The times when he looks at me and I know he is really seeing me, nothing else matters because he validates my existence. And I know that's unhealthy, because my value shouldn't be determined by another person. I admit that I am afraid that he will become really violent with me, and for a while I was afraid that one day he might lose it and kill me. But now I have a bigger fear... what if I decide to stay and try to make my marriage work, and he never kills me? What if this continues until I'm old? I tell myself I don't want to leave because I will have wasted nearly four years of my life, but I don't want to waste any more, either. Recently we started talking about find jobs in another country. Suddenly, from being suspicious of everyone I talk to online, he has now started encouraging me to go to another country and work there for awhile to help us solidify our finances. :'( And I'm thinking maybe he wants to play for a while. A huge concern for me is that we live in South Africa, and AIDS is so prevalent here, that I'm afraid he might contract the disease (thank God I'm still negative). After reading what I've typed here, I think that maybe in my heart I've already left. It's just my body that needs to follow. I'm also wondering if somehow I'm to blame for a lot of this. Am I working hard enough to make this marriage work? You see, I HAVE met someone online, but I haven't flirted with him. We started talking about a week before the first time my husband pushed me around and just after I confronted him about one of the OW. And then the night my husband did get physical with me, this guy stayed online for 7 hours just to make sure that I was o.k. He was also there for me when I tried to commit suicide about 3 weeks ago (thank God I'm over that now). But thru the conversations we've had, I've grown to genuinely care for him. Who woudn't? I haven't encouraged him, tho. because I realise that I'm feeling vulnerable and I'm not in the mood for a rebound relationship. Having said that, I definitely feel more for him than I should. And now I ask myself, do I have the right to accuse my husband of cheating, when I am not so innocent myself?
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? Uncertain: Manda, thank you thank you thank you!!! from the bottom of my heart. I hear what you're saying about the other guy, and believe me, it's flattering to know that someone finds me attractive, but not flattering enough for me to get sucked into another relationship. I think I need to find myself first, bcz I've never been alone. I've always been in a relationship. and I spent so much time being what the other person wanted me to be, that I don't even know who I am anymore. Ask me what my favourite colour or food is, and I won't be able to tell you. Sad innit? But I'm realistic enough to know that I need to be able to like and know who I see in the mirror, before I can even think of trusting someone else again. I've realised that my life won't end if my marriage ends. What am I saying? It HAS ended. It's just got to lie down and stay dead. Whatever decisions I make from here on out is going to be because I think it's best for me. I'm prepared to take the consequences for wrong turns, because it's silly to expect everything to be smooth sailing. Maybe it's not so wrong to be selfish once in a while ;)
Re: Unfaithful/abusive or not? Older Guy: [quote author=Uncertain link=topic=18540.msg165150#msg165150 date=1126440805"> Maybe it's not so wrong to be selfish once in a while ;)[/quote">
RUN ! don't walk in the other direction. It would be quite appropriate to be "selfish" in your situation.
No one needs or should accpet that kind of treatment in life. Any kind of abuse is too much abuse. This guy has a problem that, through your comments, i do not see him repairing anytime in the near future.
[quote"> I've always been in a relationship. and I spent so much time being what the other person wanted me to be, that I don't even know who I am anymore.[/quote">
This is very sad and a lot of people end up in this kind of predicament. You need to spend some time alone and focus on yourself. It's amazing what a few months of reflection and getting to know yourself can do for you.
IMO.......Only when you're comfortable being alone, get to know yourself, become the "you" that you deserve to be, reach your potential as a human being that you can fully share yourself with someone else and truly contribute positively to a relationship.
Sorry to say and i hope this isn't to blunt but i really don't see this happening in the relationship that you describe above.
There's a lot of good books available that can provide information, ideas and concepts that could help you get on "your" path. I've read quite a few and would be happy to recommend some if you're interested. PM me if you are.
Don't get discouraged......there is always opportunity in the midst of pain and choas. And from what i can see......this would be a perfect opportunity for you to experience some personal growth and start build a happy & positive life for yourself.
Life is too short to be miserable and to live in pain !
(((HUGS)))
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