Dating after having a spouse with bipolar disorder hopetix: I have a question or am wondering if someone can shed some light on this circumstance for me. I've tried every search question in search engines to find someone help me with this....here goes...
I was dating a divorced man (I've been divorced two years) whose exwife suffered from bipolar disorder. She simply left one day. He had not talked to her in almost six months other than to deal with the divorce. He and I had a seeminly great relationship and I feel in love with him and it seemed like he had with me. Then about two months ago we shared some issues from our pasts and his response to me was so amazing it made me cry. He was caring, forgiving and loving. I felt so close to him after that. It was then several days later that things began to unwind. He began working ridiculous hours, he had problems with his son, and his exwife resurfaced demanding what was owed to her from their settlement (it was a very small amount of money in the scheme of things). He was exhausted and we were not able to spend time together much at all. Then I recieved an e-mail from him saying that he wasn't sure he could be in any relationship now because he needed to get a second job to pay off his ex etc. etc. as I said it seemed like everything that could go wrong did. After she left him he was on antidepressents for awhile....but the person I met and fell in love with was not. He'd lost almost 100 pounds, exercising, seeminly eating right was confident and loving and caring. I don't think he'd been treated with respect and true love in years because a bipolar person from what I read demands a great deal of time and attention. I wrote him a very loving e-mail saying I would do whatever I could to support him, help him etc. a few days later I got an e-mail telling me he couldn't handle the thing I'd shared from my past because it hit too close to home, and that his exwife was calling and he was going to have to face her (needless to say he had obviously not gotten past some of the hurt he was feeling).
Then in the next week he e-mailed me and said he couldn't take it and that he knew it was unfair but that he just wasn't strong enough to deal with our relationship. I wrote him and told him I was sorry that I loved him and that in time when he healed a bit more that he would call.
I am fairly certain he is dealing with depression again. We have been in contact in the past few weeks and have had a couple lenghty conversations. (we used to talk for hours on the phone) in each of these conversations he has stated that he wanted to call me, that he was thinking about me, that he had wanted to share something with me but never called. I asked him why and he said that he didn't feel like he had the right to call me. I asked him why not and he said it would be selfish on his part. I encouraged him to call if he needed to, but left contact up to him.
This past week he's initiated contact via e-mail and we've talked a few more times.
My question(s) is if you've been married to a spouse with bipolar disorder how does that impact your own self-esteem, self-worth and person. I have the sense that he doesn't feel like he deserves to have someone in his life who is healthy, happy and stable. I miss him terribly and I'm hopeful that when more time passes he will reappear.
Thanks for listening and giving your input!
Re: Dating after having a spouse with bipolar disorder Lome: Huge hugs!
I don't think that it is being with someone who is bi polar that affects him so much, it is all of the emotional baggage right now....he is going into his depression stage and does not have the energy to deal with anything else.
offer him your friendship, but don't send your life waiting for him to return....he may not have it in himself right now....
good luck
Re: Dating after having a spouse with bipolar disorder OneMist8k: EJECT! EJECT! EJECT! MAYDAY!!
Do not proceed with this relationship.
It may sound cruel, but he isn't ready. You should date other people while he gets his emotional house in order. We all have issues with our ex'es. He knows this so it isn't really cruel.
Re: Dating after having a spouse with bipolar disorder Plucky: I am an ex-spouse of someone with bipolar disorder and I can tell you that there are definite aftershocks. I just realized this week, after 2 years of not being together, that I am still TERRIFIED of being with someone else. I don't know what your guy's situation was...I just know that I'm now very, very cautious and the slightest similarity will send me running. It's a defense reaction and he probably needs some space.
It also sounds like he has a ton of other things on his plate. Be patient (I know it's hard), but he'll come around if you two were meant to be.
Good luck,
Plucky
Re: Dating after having a spouse with bipolar disorder hopetix: Thanks to each of you for your response. The update with this is that he and I were back and contact and I thought we were getting back together. Then I didn't hear from him for several weeks so I wrote him and asked him if there was something I had done or said that made him not want to be in contact with me. He never responded. Finally after Thanksgiving I got an e-mail saying he still loved me but was seeing someone else. I wrote him back and told him I was confused because he says he loves me and I love him, but he isn't willing to try and make it work. I did respond with a very positive e-mail about hoping that this new person would make him happy and that their relationship would work, however I was sad for all of us. I didn't expect to hear from him, but I got a second e-mail again telling me how much he loved me and always would, that it hurt but he had made promises to someone else and he felt as if he was cheating and that was something he wouldn't do. I wrote him back and told him I would not put him in a position that caused him to compromise and wished him the best.
I didn't expect to hear from him....but then I got an e-mail thanking me for something I'd given him this summer and telling me that I was still having an impact even though I wasn't there. I of course thought at first that this was great and tried to call him, but he didn't answer. The next day I wrote him an e-mail basically saying that he had said to me he was unavailable and that he felt like he was cheating by being in contact. I told him that until he was free and truly able to pursue me not to write or call because it wasn't right for me, him or this other person. I told him I still loved him and that I hoped that our paths would come back together, but I was not going to be the other woman or cause him to compromise in anyway. So I of course haven't heard from him.
The frustration I have now is why do people say that they love you and think your amazing etc. etc. but then say I'm seeing someone else. How or does this tie into the entire bipolar relationship thing.
The other thing I wondered about is that there is probably a cycle of some sort that you see. That they are used to having the "other" shoe drop after a certain amount of time. Two months, two weeks etc. and that starting or being in a new relationship that cycle may seemilnly repeat itself so they expect it. Does that make any sense??
Thanks again for the advice and kind words. Right now I am going to try an get through Christmas and the New Year being a bit hopeful that he may reappear, but not holding my breath.
