Young Man in a bind RhymesWithGosh: My name is Josh and im 17 years old.
I am having some serious problems with my father. Hes completely unsupportive of me.
I play soccer all year long, and hope to play at the highest level possible. Usually my father is no where in sight at my games. He seems more worried about travel time and other things to come to my games. Worst of all, if theres tournaments, games, practices, etc on his weekend or visitation date, he becomes extrememly angry at me. My father might attend less then 10 games a year.
As a senior, I have also been looking at colleges and talking to college coaches. I went on a visitation this past weekend to a college about and hour and half from my home. I left friday morning and returned saturday evening at 6 pm. My father was extremely upset and uphauled that I would schedule something like this on his weekend. I was not allowed to go out that saturday night to visit with friends or anything. This happens a lot if I end up getting home in the evening, I am not allowed to go hang out with my friends.
One of the first things my father asked me after I got back from my visit was how much it costs. After i told him he was upset and seemed like I was wanting way to much. The college I had visited was right in the middle, as in more expensive then half the colleges in iowa, and less expensive then half.
He is always trying to push dinner bills to me. Asking if im paying for this and that. He seems like hes always trying to be cheap and tries to get me to pay for things. I usually end up adding money to tips as I feel they are unsatisfactory tips.
I do not have to go to his house for visitation. The thing is that I am worried about my little sister whos going to be 15. I am afraid that he might take it out on her and be twice as much as an asshole as he usually is. Everytime I go to his house I regret going and am very unhappy. My father is unsupportive of almost everything I do and only seems interested in himself
I need some advice. Do you think I should stop going over to his house on visitation, or should I grit my teeth for another year so I can save my sister a little?
Please help.
Re: Young Man in a bind jadedangel: [color=navy"> Well .. this is sorta different for this forums ... but here is my opinion...
Does your sister have to go to visitation? --- At 15, seems to me she should have the choice to not go. But, if she does need to go -- I think yes, if you are concerned about the well being of her mental health .. it might be best if you go -- if he treats her differently than you then it may not be as big an issue as you might first think.
The time will be here soon enough that you won't have to see him again -- I also the child of a divorce ... haven't seen my biological father since the age of 16 -- very much my choice. When your young like you are -- it's hard to realize that in 5 years both you and your sister will not be forced to deal with your dad being and a$$hole and can simply walk away so I say hang in there for another year ...
Continue what you want to do about college and everything else ... my biological father never did anything to help me with school -- or life in general and you don't need him if he is going to continue to harrass you. It will be easier for you and your sister to face him together ... than for her to face him alone -- so if you can handle it, then I think you should grit your teeth -- your sister will notice.[/color">
Re: Young Man in a bind OneMist8k: I'm a divorced father of two teenage boys, shared custody, so maybe I can be of some help.
When my sons schedule something on my weekend, I ask for advance notice. I get upset when I don't get it. It is rude not to call. I may have already laid up plans for the weekend. Actually, now we all call each other before any of us makes weekend plans now, but I digress.
First, you have to give him a chance to fix things. It is possible he's completely clueless that this is impacting you negatively. Talk, don't shout with him. Pick a nuetral location, like a McDonalds or a park. Lay it out non-threateningly, but honestly and openly. The idea is to give him a chance to change. He probably won't, but you have to give him the opportunity. He needs to know as it might postively affect your sister even if your relationship is strained.
When you have this talk with him, be sure to say that the soccer tournaments, games, and practices might lead to a soccer scholarship. That will hit him where he lives. Even a partial scholarship would have me doing cartwheels in the street. Note to Dad: Be grateful your son is involved in sports. It could be worse. I can't imagine a father not taking an interest in the childs activities. My sons say I'm too involved (I used to coach their hockey team), but again I digress.
Maybe you've already had the talk. Maybe it's failed. If so, read on.
Regarding your sister sister, what does it mean to "save" her? From what? Is he physically abusive to her? Verbally? Or are you just afraid that he might become that way?
I'm not sure what the laws are in your state, but in my state you would not have to continue visitation. If you decide to terminate visits, voice your concerns to your sister and ask her to call you if he does take it out on her.
If it were me, I'd count the loss of one child as a warning and would be extra nice to my daughter.
Re: Young Man in a bind RhymesWithGosh: He's not physically abusive. When I say "save" my sister im reffering to her not getting yelled at for every little mistake she does because hes frustrated that im not there. Were both afraid of him kind of, but I plan on talking to him about it tomorrow.
Re: Young Man in a bind OneMist8k: I was thinking about this on the way home.
If you take him to McDonalds for the talk, consider picking up the check for his value meal. It is only a couple of bucks, but it sends a message that you are serious. Him forcing the check was one of your issues. Paying for lunch also puts you in control, albeit in a minor way.
Good luck. Don't say anything rash. Stay calm.
