Happier Alone Gabbi: Saturday was only 3 months since my husband and I married. It's been an fairly unhappy 3 months for me, and that unhappiness is undermining our marriage. I can't put my finger on one cause of the unhappiness that I could fix - there seem to be so many problems. I sought the help of a psychologist but it did not work - she'd just said "there, there dear" rather than telling me how to fix it. I'm totally lost and I'm thinking of walking away now rather than later to minimise what I'm sure will be a hurtful breakup. 50% of the time things are great, and I feel like we are really in love. But the remainder of the time I long for my single life. I'd like advice or feedback from people who are (or who have been) in similar situations. Here are the issues in a nutshell.
When we married I moved to his city and, due to a lack of options, had to start a new job in an industry I hated and had previously left for that reason (not his fault, but part of the circumstances--work is miserable too). We live in his house that he's had for 7 years. It is grubby and run down. The junk he hoards all over the place makes me despair. I have to beg him to throw things out to make way for my stuff. We knew each other for 11 months before marrying and only lived together for 2 months before the wedding, but he'd assured me (without me asking) that he'd clean out is cr@p before I moved in--he still hasn't and I'm having to do it. I admired his profession, but recently he's been taking 2 days off a week to supposedly develop a new (less noble) branch of that job which I know he is only doing for the money and prestige. In any case, so far he's used those two days to have coffee with friends (always female--more on that later). I am a lawyer and an MBA so could help him with his new business plans, but he never asks my advice and ignores my suggestions. Even if I didn't have that expertise, surely he would consult me as his wife? He'll sit glued to the TV for most of the night rather than talking to me or agreeing to my suggestion that we go for a walk or play sport together. He has many female friends, most of whom are ex-girlfriends, with far longer histories than his and mine. Almost everywhere we go an ex-girlfriend, or her parents, or a photo or video of an ex is staring me in the face. He has recently been using a female personal trainer and I have unwarranted feelings of jealousy about that. He touches women when he talks to them. He is constantly getting calls from girls. He used to greet female friends with a kiss on the lips until I asked him not to. I'm beginning to suspect he proposed to me after only 6 months because I was available, good on paper, and so he wouldn't be left single. Our sex life is OK but there is no real passion and he rarely responds to my touch, which makes me feel unattractive. He is very charismatic and outgoing, so I am frequently ignored by others when he is around. I have gone from a confident, outgoing and social person to having a constant feeling of discomfort, inadequacy and ugliness which paralyses me in social situations.
I have tried discussing several of these issues with him but he rolls his eyes now when I bring anything up that sounds like a "problem". I'm beginning to come across as a paranoid pain in the behind. The truth is that I've never felt more insecure than I do right now--in the apparently "secure" instuitution of marriage. Suddenly I am in a situation where someone else's actions and decisions affect my life and I have no control over them. I feel trapped, and more miserable and insecure by the day. Perhaps if I could prop up my self confidence in some other way his idiosyncracises wouldn't get to me so much. I knew of his quirks when I fell in love with and agreed to marry him, but I didn't count on this added feeling of insecurity brought on by getting married! Little problems seem dire because I no longer have the option of escaping as I once could. I need to deal with this before I destroy the marriage and would appreciate comments/criticism/suggestions from people (male or female) who can see a solution to any or all of these issues more clearly than I can.
Re: Happier Alone YellowJacket: It sounds like your husband isn't very considerate of your needs. If you have insecurities or problems with his behavior, he really should listen to you and give your comments the consideration they deserve. It doesn't matter what they are; they should matter because you are his wife.
If he thinks your concerns are unfounded, he should be discussing them with you to make you feel more secure.
Re: Happier Alone harmonix321: It really sounds like a marriage counselor would be a good idea. Try to get him to go, but if he won't, you should go alone. Your marriage is in dire straits already.
Re: Happier Alone OneMist8k: You present a strong case for leaving the relationship, counselor. Your brief did not include any opposing arguments, e.g. why you got married, why you might want to stay, etc. If you seek validation of a decision you've already made, then this juror says leave the marriage. Why?
1. The marriage is still very short. You don't have much of your lives invested... yet.
2. This is still the "honeymoon period" of a marriage. The first year is supposed to be bliss and happiness. If you feel this trapped already, you must leave before you snap and take an axe to him while he sleeps.
3. His relationship with other women, especially ex-girlfirends, will not change. The touching, the kissing, the calling... all really bug you. If it were isolated, minor events there might be a chance for change, but it sounds so pervasive that IMO, complaining about it will only drive it away from your view. He won't change. Some men need that. I'm not saying it's bad (or good), I'm saying it is bad FOR YOU.
4. He doesn't keep promises. His crap is still in the house.
5. Trust your instincts. Your suspicions of his reasons for proposal might be valid.
6. He doesn't respect you. The rolling of eyes speaks volumes, doesn't it?
The verdict
Get rid of the husband. Get rid of the job. Get on with your life.
G
Re: Happier Alone dgiirl: Gabbi, did you know about all these things before you got married? If so, why did you get married? Did you think marriage would fix him and things would get better? Marriage is so stressful even in the perfect of relationships, let alone the not so perfect. Like Onemistake said, this is still early in your relationship. A little over a year total? Things should still be in it's blissful state. With all long term relationships, relationships tend to get stale over time and possibly worse as we become more comfortable with each other. If this is how things are now, it's only going to get worse, especially if your husband doesnt validate your concerns.
I think it's very wise of you to seek counselling. It sucks that you didnt click with her, but I would definitely continue trying to find someone you can.
But if things do not improve drastically, get out. You're still in the early stages of the relationship. You're self-esteem is getting shot, and you run the risk of falling into depression.
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