Goodbye, I don't think we can be together anymore ChiefWiggum: [Background for ojar readers: she cheated on me but feels bad and wants to make up. We haven't spoken in two weeks while I collect my thoughts. No kids.">
NN, I love you. Please read this carefully and in its entirety and call me if you want to talk.
I love you, but I just cannot commit to being your husband right now.
I'm sorry but I'm just too angry. It's not fair to you. Everyday things I see tip me off. Just seeing your body reminds me of "NN and RG"'s relationship. Even if you did everything perfectly I would still be upset. I'm sure you would do anything for us, but that's not enough. I have to change and that just hasn't happened and to be honest I don't know how it can happen. I might be upset forever.
I have a severe problem with you being involved physically with other men. To me it's the worst thing in the world after murdering the children. CDH [therapist"> thinks my reaction is unusual and I suppose I do too, but it is there and I don't think it will go away anytime soon. I tried to warn you Fall 2004 ("cheating->divorce"), Feb 2005 (same) and Spring 2005 ("no kissing other people, agreed?"). Probably some time in the future I will get over this irrational response and I will be upset that I couldn't shake it earlier, but we have what we have.
I want more time. I know you have a life and a career and friends and family and that's just not fair to you, so I don't expect to get it. I'd love to have more time with you here in SB or with you away. I personally feel it's too much to ask. CDH feels it's too much to ask. CDH is really on your side BTW.
I love you very much. I appreciate your apology. I appreciate you coming back to Goleta two weeks ago and everything you said. I want to spend my life with you. I want you to take care of my kids. I want to be a good husband who does not hold resentment. But I'm just too angry and it will not be a healthy relationship. I'm so sorry.
Our relationship is like an A+ paper, but it must be given an F because of some stupid blatant grammar errors. I'm so torn. You are an A+ girl. You are the perfect girl. I just can't take the "grammar errors."
I cried every day since you left two weeks ago.
There's no other girl. There's no happiness in this story for me. I'm not happy to be away from you. I'm miserable and angry and I don't know how in the world I could start a relationship with anyone else. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of telling my family and friends what happened. I'm scared of how you are going to react.
I made this list earlier. These are things I wanted you to do for us to get back together. I'm sure you would do them, but I'm realizing that even if you do what I want, I'd still be upset because of problems inside me.
- written apology
- written description of physical acts with RG, places you've been with him, and interactions with your and RG's friends and family.
- Written explanation of what your intentions are with him now and in the future.
- you supporting me telling your mom she was out of line
- you understanding I am going to turn in RG
- you understanding why you cheated (therapy)
- you changing to a person will not cheat (therapy)
- wedding (commitment) ceremony at some later time
- written agreement of seperate assets until ceremony
Actually, I just thought of a better analogy. In high school, someone once wrote in a paper "Are you even reading this?" The teacher was unhappy and said "anyone who does this gets an F." Well imagine the perfect A+ paper from the perfect student that has "Are you reading this?" in it. That is how I feel. Please take a moment and try to feel that. What grade do you give that perfect paper?
I've been busy sailing. I love sailing on the J24. I learned two new spots. We beat the Melon in a two day regatta last weekend. I've seen so many fun and silly things that I would love to share with you. My whistle is getting better. I cleaned my truck. The planetarium is awesome. CDH has helped so much. I got some work done at xxx. Next week I'm going to New York for work. I removed a mouse from a mouse trap (manly!). I have a beard again. I miss you.
Wanna hear something interesting? In ABQ I told you I hate the sight of VW Golfs. Now I feel no anger when I see them. I made some progress! I wonder if spilling my guts in this letter will make some progress before the camping trip.
I love you,
CW
