Diay three, more confusion and hurt Lome: Well, yesterday he was sick so I rushed home from work....he sent an email ending in " love" and we spent the evening watching tv.
This morning, when I got us coffee (he slept on the couch), I asked him if we could talk. I told him that we could get threw this and please do not start doing anything from the list....I asked if there was hope for us and he said he thought so and we would talk tonight....
I rushed home after work and we watched tv for about 3 hours together...he did not talk much, but we shared the couch. I had hope. Later he was going to go into the computer room. I was feeling sleepy, so I went into the computer room and asked him to wake me up if I fell asleep infront of the tv.
He seemed "stiff" and annoyed.
About an hour passed, and I went back into the computer room....I asked him what his thoughts were about this mornings conversation. At first, he said that he did not think we were going to have a big production discussion while we were watching tv....and then he said that I was making up this morning's conversation and was full of "wanting" ....he was rude and asked if I need to write down our discussions.....
he said we are still seperated, but that I was not able to seperate myself from him.....he was greatly annoyed .....he was cold and distant....he did not seem to have any warnth at all.
He is deeply involved in one of his games again....The hope that I fostered all day has vanished.....
I am miserable.
'
modified 3 hours later....I woke up and went into the computer room to get a sleeping pill (that is where the pills are kept) and we had a 10 min conversation....he said I was not respection our "seperation" and that it was annoying to him....he said what do you want, and I replyed My loving husband back....he said that I was the one that wanted the seperation and that I could not live with it....(compared to getting the divorce in 30 days).....he was angry that I interupted his game.....
his actions are so cold....he is purposely distancing himself from me....I am unused to the anger and the cutting remarks.....
My head and heart are in a mess right now....
he said that I did a good job of watching tv in the same room as he was in with out talking too much.....I thought we were spending together time...but in his reality, it was like strangers at the movies.
Re: Diay three, more confusion and hurt YellowJacket: Sorry, Lome! I know it's so tough to have hope, lose it, get it back again.... It's a difficult cycle. I do know how you feel though I'm no longer going back and forth myself.
I don't have any advice to give, unfortunately. It kind of sounds like his attitude is saying what his words won't.
Re: Diay three, more confusion and hurt brokenman: I know this feeling all to well and it hurts as much or more as the pain of my ex's infidelity. It is so crippling and feels so hopeless. :'(
When my ex was drifting away before I knew about the OM she was gone all the time. When she was home I just wanted to be near her, talk to her, and hold her. It was okay to a point and only for a little while before she just ended up feeling smothered. And the only reason I think things worked for a little while was because her absence made her come back to familiar ground but once there she couldn't deal with the changes inside her.
I don't know what is going on with your husband. It may not be another woman but whatever it is its enough to shut him down. And I'd suspect that after a while of being apart from you he feels enough guilt and obligation to sit with you and say things might work. But when it's tried it just doesn't work.
I can never forget the time my ex ran off for a night and came home the next day all panicked. I was so relieved to have her home I skipped work. We lay in bed and talked a deep heart to heart and tried to understand what was going on with each other and made several promises on working things out. I was so tired from waiting up for her, and she was so tired from being out that we fell asleep in each other's arms. But hours later when we woke she just bolted out of bed and just went frantic. She had to get out and get out now. It was so odd and devastating.
In light of our situation she I believe she was being racked with guilt from what had been going on and what was going to be continuing for a long time. She had other obligations now that were more exciting and different. And it was easier to run to those than to remain and try to face the guilt and deal with the damage done... even if I didn't ever find out.
I hope there isn't anyone else, but even if there isn't, there is something wrong that is creating that same struggle between staying and working and just shutting off and going away. And I think putting yourself in front of him no matter how politely and breifly it may be, just reflects all that confusion and turmoil back in his face. I don't think he's right to react the way he does, but it's happening. And the way things are, he is in control.
For me, there was too much working against our staying together and ultimately it ended. But if I wanted to stay with her beyond all the crap I think I'd have done things the same way. You know you can't live like this forever. It has to get better or end. It helps to find out to what lengths you are willing to stick with it. Creating that boundary gives you a bit of control. He cannot just treat you like stuffed animal that can be clung to when needed and then cast aside. How should he treat you and what will you accept? Creating that boundary gives you a bit of control. He can't just expect you to wait idly by as he makes up his mind because then there is no reason to make up his mind. How long are you willing to wait? What decisions of his are you willing to accept? Creating these boundaries gives you a bit of control.
Little by little these boundaries reclaim for you a piece of the relationship that you control once again. And there will come a point where that piece is enough for you to say what is acceptable and what is not. And it becomes easier to make what is now a tough decision. Along the way you identify where you have been robbed of dignity and respect. Maybe it wasn't on purpose or with evil intent, but things aren't right as they are and you aren't being shown either. And if things are going to get better you need to know what they mean to you and whether he is capable of showing them by respecting those boundaries.
Re: Diay three, more confusion and hurt tyrogers: Lome, dear, if you want to talk, PM me. I will listen. I know your story and am following it.
<<<BIG HUGS TO YOU>>>
BBH
