What to do and is it even possible to fix KellyS: My wife and I have been married for 6 years, we have 2 children together and she had a son from a previous marriage that I have been raising with here since he was three (He knows me as Dad).
Anyways, after we got married, i FOUND out what it was like to mix someone who had been abused by her father and here ex husband physcially/verbally, with someone like me who had been verbally and sometimes physically abused by his mother. It was a huge mess and a great big wake up call to say the least. Within weeks after being married, she had slapped me in the face, called me cruel names and thrown object at me. At first I bottled it up and ran from her. But after awhile, I also blew up in retaliation and fear, verbally abusing her and withdrawing a lot. Our marriage became a constant reminder of what a marriage should not be, with constant fighting and arguing. She would get so angry that she would kick me and hit me. One night I made the huge mistake of smacking her back in the face after she smacked me. We decided to go to counseling and we went thru church counseling, which did little good and basically gave us little insight, except some good spirtual ideas on marriage and how it is supposed to work (which was very good). The church counseling was not equipped to handle our problems, so we went on to see two different therapist. Each time, the therapist would listen to me talk, as my wife would shut down in therapy. We started to go seperate and each time, with each counselour, I was told that the weight of fixing this would be on my shoulders, that I would have to change first, in order to change our situation. They didnt say that she didnt have a problem, they just seemed to think that if I worked on myself, I could better handle situations and not add to the fire. Well, the counseling did sort of work, but what it did was teach me to refrain from ever getting into a physical confrontation and it taught me not to be so confontational with my wife. The 2nd counselor had my wife go to a co-dependency class, where she learned a lot of jargon that had very little to do with me. I do believe that my wife was co-dependent, but for some reason she has always placed here problems and her fears upon me, as if I was the abusor. I always felt like I was taken on the roles of her previous abusors and that she really felt that I was being abusive. Never in my life had I abused the women in my life, until I met one who verbally and physcially abused me. It made me sick to think that I had crossed that line.
Re: What to do and is it even possible to fix KellyS: Well, 6 years has passed and our relationship has not grown stronger. We stopped going to counseling a year ago, since we ran out of money. We still dont get along and even though I believe that we love one another, I just don't know how I can change if she can't keep herself from blaming me for all of the verbal and physical violence that has occured in our relationship. My wife never feels like she is safe with me, she never feels like I respect her. I will have to admit that some of my respect has dwindled for her over the years, after being treated so poorly.
I have moved out a couple of times over the past three years, hoping to bring some new perspective to the marriage, but each time she would insist that I was moving out to work on myself, so that I would quit abusing her. She never would address here abuse towards me. She felt justified at times and would constantly discount my thoughts and feelings. It has been a real roller coaster ride.
Last week, she took our children and moved out of the house and in with a married couple we know. In some ways it has been kind of a relief and I wonder if she will gleen
anything. She constantly tells me how I don't do enough. My life consists of the following:
I work 50-60 hrs a week just to make ends meet.
I pay all of the bills.
I do all of the grocery shopping.
I do all of the dishes.
I do all of the home maintenience.
I do all of the errands outside of the home, except those that are directly related to my wifes hobbies.
I am constantly buying dinner out for my family, since my wife insists that she has no time too cook.
I work until 3am every morning. I go to bet at 330am and she insists that I get up to take my son to private school every day at 730, even though I am exhausted and sick from lack of sleep, 5 days a week.
My wife is a stay at home mom, my oldest is in school all day. She doesnt clean the house, but she takes care of the kids all day and does the laundry when there isnt any clean clothes left. She spends every spare moment scrapbooking and running an ebay business that pays for the credit card expenses and my sons private schooling that she insists he must have, even though there is a great public school a block away.
She keeps the rest of her money for herself.
WHEN we first met, we talked for hours and got along so well, I really thought I had found the one.
Now I wonder if things are just really over. She seems to want here independence and I think that maybe she really needs to learn what it is like to be on her own, instead of making me do everything. All she does is complain about me, but maybe she will learn what it is like to do all the things I do or she will find someone else to do them for her.
This sucks and I miss my kids!!!
Re: What to do and is it even possible to fix Older Guy: I tried to think of different advice, but the only thing i can think of, and i really do not mean to be blunt, but to me you would both seem to be much better off without each, alone and/or eventually with somebody else.
Maybe this isn;t what you want to hear but if 6 years + of counselling hasn;t helped any and the situation has even deteriorated, id say "stop beating a dead horse" and do both of yourselves a favor.
Nevetheless, it will not be easy but seems to me like the only option.
Good luck with it
Re: What to do and is it even possible to fix KellyS: thanks for the kinds words.
I would have to agree that it would seem almost impossible to fix after 6 years of this mess. She is so busy blaming me for everything, that it becomes difficult to even talk to her on the phone. Today she calls me and tells me that she is withdrawing our son from school. She says that she can't keep up with the burden of helping him with his homework, driving him back and forth to the school and the financial burden of the monthly payment. i WOULD have to agree with the monthly payment being too much of a burden, but I don't understand why taking him back and forth to school is such a burden. She is a stay at home mother. Why does she insist
on being pinned up in the house all day? It doesnt make sense. She doesnt
even take the kids out to the park.
She had every opprotunity to send him to a perfectly good school down the street. Last night she asked me to watch the kids for a couple of hours. She also told me that our oldest son had an oral report due the next day. I was completely unaware of this, since they had not been home for a week. My wife didnt even bring the directions to the report and she gave me a couple of things that we could do verbally over the phone. Well, the night went on and only 2 of the 3 items were accomplished. The third item slipped my mind we were so busy doing the two required tasks for the report. I was so busy that I didnt get the little ones to bed and i WAS unsure if she wanted me to put them to bed if she was going to come back and pick them up. Sure enough, she walks in the house and explodes that the children are still up. She was calling me names in front of the children and telling them how I was abusing them by not getting my oldest sons report finished. It was soooooooo abusive that I yelled "STOP ABUSING ME" and I left the house. She gathered the kids up and left and I came back home. It was a fiasco!!! She is treating me worse now, than before she left...
Re: What to do and is it even possible to fix TheCoach: kellys, what's been said about getting a divorce, if anything?
