Trying to come back... Feel: Hi Everyone...
A recap... Last year in Feb 2004 I found out my husband was having an affair. This year in January I sent in on his way because I found out that he continued through the year with this same OW...
It's been 8 months now without us living together... We have a little boy but my husband has been keeping me in LIMBO, back and forth and I can't keep doing this... I have gotten great advice from everyone.
Now I know I deserve better because I have been treated so unfairly and taken for granted not to mention all the emotional abuse and crying I have been doing.
His family was here from out of town and out of the other 2 daughter in laws I was the only one to inviter them over, feed, and give them a place to sleep. ( I have always been giving and kind to everyone)
Yesterday his family left and my husband says to me that Tomorrow (today) he is going to prepare ribs for us for dinner and on Friday he wants to make Chineese and He wants only one day of the week to eat crappy. ( he's put on the weight and since all this I have taken it off)
It seems to me that he feels he doesn't need to have any explinations for his actions and we should just forget everything happened and move forward.
There has been so much that has gone on with him not coming home, to the lieing, all the betrayal and decete, all the confusion that I am going through and I don't know how to appoach him about what I want if he comes back.. I don't want to go through this again... I hate this feeling and I don't want my son to see me crying all the time!
There are a lot of bridges that have been burned and I am so confused as to what I want. I don't know if I can trust him again and I don't want to be wondering where he is when he doesn't call for 5 minutes or what and who is leaving him voice messages and when he goes to hockey or out will he come back home, and how do I know for sure he will leave this OW, when up to now he's been saying stuff like "she says she is going to kill herself and she is crazy and she bangs her head againts walls"
I find this to be NUTS on both there parts...
Since this has happened I have still carried myself through my work, with a promotion, I have managed to keep up with all my outstanding bills, groceries and diapers... I have had lots of help from my family and support from my friends... To be honest they all hate him and I feel too, that I am cought in a catch 22!"
I have done nothing but be honest with everyone about my feelings and I just don't know why I can't seem to either make it or break it.
Is there anything else anyone can add? :'(
Re: Trying to come back... Older Guy:
Yuo have done a great job with your life since the breakup. Congrats on that. You deserve to really think this out and keep your guards up. The thought of the wayward spouse wanting to come back can be intoxicating.
However, i would recommend that you take your time and think this out fully. In other words try do not make any snap decisions either way. There are no guarantess in life either way but weight the pros and cons, make your decision and don't look back.
The only thing i ewould add is that you wern't worthy or good enough 8 monjths ago, so why are you now ?
Good luck to you and again nice work on improving your life and yourself over the last 8 months.
Re: Trying to come back... lilly10: Wow feel this is a tough one! Im going through the same thing right now my fiancee who I have been with for 6 years cheated on me and denied it till the end. It is the worst feeling in the world I will vouch for that. As far as trust goes I know that I will not ever be able to trust him again as long as I live. Have you gone to councling at all either alone or together? I guess you need to do some long hard thinking because if you feel that this relationship is beyond repair as much as you must love him it would be best to try to move on with your life. I know that you have kids so of coarse you are taking that into consideration as well. How in the world does he think that you guys can forget about everything this has torn your life apart. I think you may be better off with out him im sorry to say but it would be upto you to decide whether you can really ever forgive him becuase if you cant it will most likely break again anyway. So sorry for you!!
Re: Trying to come back... Rachael: Hey Feel -
I know I would love my H to return to me (and our boys...and our home). I also know that the issues he is having right now do not make him a good husband/partner for me. He is searching inside of himself now - away from me - and that is why I had to let him go. He is seeking counseling right now and that may or may not develop into anything - but, I do know that if he was able to acknowledge his part in our problems (he has always told me that everything is my fault) and if he said he was willing to focus on improving them, then I would certainly try, too.
If your H wants to come home - you both need to sit down (and I would think with a good marriage counselor) and talk about what happened, how it got to that point, all of the hurt that was dished out, any resentments currently being felt, etc. If these thngs are not hashed out - it may be another "honey-moon" stage and then back to the bare-bones about why things were bad...and then the whole cycle could start again.
It is not unheard of for marriages to survive an affair or other hurtful activities, but I think both parties will have to commit to working it out and then doing what it takes.
I wish you peace in whatever happens!
RMR
Re: Trying to come back... summerparis: Hi Feel, you've posted several different variations on your story. My advice to you remains the same. Your husband is not going to make a decision. Why not? He doesn't need to. He has the best of both worlds. You have to be the one to make a decision. Take back your life. Don't wait for the phone to ring. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of. If your husband truly loves you and respects you, he will appreciate the fact that you have limits and boundaries. Your husband has already shown you what he's capable of. Are you willing to put up with more?
Songbird
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