Today is the anniversary of the angriest I've ever been in my life (long) tara: We'd started what would become the final round of the divorce talks the night before. It wasn't a shock -- things were getting weird for awhile -- and they finally hit a crescendo.
One of the points of contention was his friendship with D. She was an internet friend, in another state, so I know they weren't sleeping together (and he hadn't taken any out-of-town trips alone). She was a bit of a friend of mine as well, but more casually. I knew he had nascient feelings for her, though, which didn't bug me too much -- we were both pretty open and honest about crushes. She was also in an abusive relationship, and trying very hard to get out with no money, transportation or family support.
The fight the evening before had been about the usual (for us) topics...our differeing views on kids, where to live, and expectations of monogamy.
We had, to that point, been a traditionally monogamous couple, but we were talking about cracking the door open, just a little -- a common theme for couples in distress, I've since learned (UH OH! SHIELDS ARE DOWN TO 47 PERCENT, CAPTAIN!). Oddly...I was taking more of a stereotypically male perspective, in that I was OK with a little extracurricular physicality. (HULL BREACH ON DECK 12!) He wanted to cultivate relationships. (DANGER! DANGER! EJECT THE WARP CORE!) Yeah, this had promise. (ABANDON SHIP!!! ABANDON SHIP!!! KABOOM!!!!)
Plainly put, Al wanted to "date" D. (For a little while, he suggested we both could date D...::)) I saw visions of me staying home, doing laundry, while he was out wining and dining someone else. I didn't like what I saw. (Picturing him having sex with someone else? Not really that big a deal. It doesn't bug me to think of J in that situation, either, so I guess I'm not wired for much sexual jealousy.)
Anyhow, after a night full of arguments about the above, I still had to go to work the next day. We continued our discussion -- it had calmed down and was no longer a fight -- via e-mail at work, until he sent me something with a title along the lines of, "don't read this unless you're feeling mentally stable."
The contents? D was really in crisis. She'd heard we were on the brink of divorce (because he told her), and that sent her into a confused headspace, as she'd developed feelings for Al, too. Unfortunately, her abuser heard about Al and me too (probably spying on her e-mail), and that put all kinds of nasty thoughts in his head (including...that she was going to leave him for...me!...yep, both Al and D's abuser had it in their heads that I might be interested in D or vice versa). Al felt D was in danger, and decided he was going to head to her state in a few weeks to try to offer support.
He half-heartedly apologized for the timing, and pointed out that he knew I wouldn't stand in the way of him offering help to other friends in crisis and he hoped I'd understand and wouldn't hate him.
And, my friends, at roughly 11 am Central Daylight Time on September 29, 2004, I experienced the single most intense burst of anger I'd ever experienced in my life, and possibly will ever experience in my life. I did something I'd never done before -- grabbed my cell phone, walked out of the building (remember, I'm at work, and I don't have a private office), called him and shouted some horrible things into his voice mail for 15 minutes. I'm not proud of that, but I was really out of control and in that moment, I really didn't feel like I had a choice.
It was at that moment I knew there was no going back. This was it. It was officially decided a few weeks later, with little fanfare, that we would split up. I don't actually remember that date. But I remember this one.
To make a long story short...Al was able to send D help, and bring her to our state and into his apartment, after we'd separated and I no longer had a say in what he did with his money or living space (or bed, for that matter). Al and D are now engaged, and will be married in a couple of weeks. She's a lovely woman, better for him than I had been for a long time, and I'm happy for them. I'm over my anger, and I know that D and the situation didn't end my marriage -- it ended a few years before, actually, and it just took us that long to acknowledge it.
To those of you who are now angrier than you've ever been, from someone who's been there -- it does get better, even if it doesn't go the way you want it to. It will get better.
Re: Today is the anniversary of the angriest I've ever been in my life (long) EssieDotCom: big hugsss to you! you did what you felt you had to do out of anger at the time! and it's tough when you're in a place like work and cant really let it show! Happy that you've gotten through all of this and it gives great hope for the rest of us ;D
Re: Today is the anniversary of the angriest I've ever been in my life (long) tyrogers: Intriguing story there tara. Thanks for sharing.
You are right, it does get better. ;)
BBH
