Re: What do I do? hudson: [quote author=jadedangel link=topic=19543.msg178303#msg178303 date=1128049561">
[color=navy"> What is the worst thing that is going to come of it --- meeting a friend?[/color">
[/quote">
Actually it can get much worse that just "meeting a friend". Trust me, been there. I could give you details of how "worse" it can get if you'd like.
Re: What do I do? WhiskeyGirl: Lonley,
It sounds like this person has become pretty important already considering the fact that you get depressed when he talks about his ex. I am with wills, blazin', and bjs on this one. You don't really know this person yet, all you know is the person he is online. Sadly, its usually a whole different story in person. Its easy to fall into here....somebody listens, understands, and really knows what we are going through. Its almost the same thing as transference-love that occurs between a patient and a therapist. I don't see anything wrong with meeting this person or continueing an online friendship as long as you stay realistic about it. You are each filling a void in each others lives right now.....if you can accept that it most likely wont last forever and accept that he is not over his wife and so, is most definately not ready for a relationship....you may be okay. If you find you are less interested in real life and spend most of your time thinking about or talking to this online person you may have a problem and yes, I believe you may be setting yourself up for a fall. Especially since you already stated that you get depressed about it.....that worries me.
What happened for BBH and Bubba is wonderful and romantic, but I have to agree that is is definately more of an exception than the rule. Sadly, most people do not end up with a happy ending in a situation like this one.
I wish I could be more positive, but this is my opinion. keep your head out of the clouds and your feet firmly on the ground....enjoy the friendship and the understanding you each give one another....but don't let it consume you.
Good luck girl :)
Whiskey
Re: What do I do? jadedangel: [quote author=blazin'heart link=topic=19543.msg178305#msg178305 date=1128050097">
[quote author=jadedangel link=topic=19543.msg178303#msg178303 date=1128049561">
[color=navy"> What is the worst thing that is going to come of it --- meeting a friend?[/color">
[/quote">
Actually it can get much worse that just "meeting a friend". Trust me, been there. I could give you details of how "worse" it can get if you'd like.
[/quote">
[color=navy"> Been there ... done that --- more than once. However, if you assume it will always be like that ------ it will ;) [/color">
Re: What do I do? sacoderisa: well, i haven't had any firsthand experience on this but here are my 2 cents.
We meet people out in the world every day. We get attached to some and we become friends with others. We do not choose how we meet new people, we just do (not me, i stay at home and stay glued to the tv and ps2 :P) jokes aside. Sure things can be bad or "worse" like some put it. Then again, when i met my ex everything seemed perfect for about 5 years, she was my best friend for about 3 years and then became my girlfriend.......the thing is once we got togheter....well things didn't stay so nice and lovey dovey. But I also have met several other people in my life that are good friends. And a friend is always welcome. Just my 2 cents.
Re: What do I do? skooz: The happy couples at OJAR will probably not like this, but this is the other side of the story. I hate to go over the same thing again, but here are my two (or more) cents...
Lonely,
I read your post and I felt like I was reading something written by me a few months ago. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. It didn't have a happy ending, though. Every person's experience is different, I guess, but I learned from pain, a pain caused by falling in love with someone who's going through divorce and I felt exactly how you feel, like you were further in the healing process, etc, etc, etc. Then I had a HUGE set back and I feel like I'm back on square one sometimes, even if that's not the case. I feel like I gave support to a divorce newbie, he's fine now and I'm left with nothing.
I don't want everyone to run away from getting involved again or to have a new dream, but there are some really good points to be taken in mind when something like this happens. Look around the boards and try to realize what kind of people are here. How did you feel when you first got separated? Lonely, needy, abandoned, thirsty for love, right? Put two people feeling like that together and saying nice things to each other. It sure feels nice at the beginning to be wanted and "loved". That ain't love, honey... I don't know what it is, but it isn't love, it's just some undefined feeling psychologists will have to come up with a name for.
Do I sound too bitter? I am not, really. I guess I want to help people see. I know it hurts quite a lot when you cross lines with someone and then you have to back off because once you realize you're losing sight of your own self because you're too worried about making another person feel better about themselves and somehow you want to hold on tightly to those feelings, not because you really love the person, but because you like being important for someone even if the relationship is unhealthy.
Why am I babbling about this so much? Because the information is out there, because this thing has been studied, because rebound is a consequence of divorce, because once you feel rejected and you find someone who's "interested" (again, that ain't interest, it's need) you're going to jump in at any cost so you can get some self-esteem back. Now, it is not a general rule, I suppose, but I've heard way too many stories about it and I didn't want to listen at first. But those who have experienced this kind of pain before, kind of let us newbies find by ourselves because that's the only way we learn.
In my personal experience, even though I miss this person a lot and I think about him every single day and wonder how he is, I somehow feel relieved that I don't have to deal with his depression, his mood swings, his confusion, his not knowing what to do with his life. I wanted to help, but that isn't my task, I have my own issues, my own cross to carry and every time his heart was breaking, mine did too, and then angst set in and I felt frustrated and scared. I felt it wasn't enough that I was there for him, I felt it wasn't what he needed and I felt "unloved". And then I realized he was probably feeling the same way. We were a burden for each other because we were putting too much pressure on each other... "Take care of your heart, but don't stop loving me or I'll die" kind of thing.
Holy crapola! This is so long I have to put it in two posts! Next...
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