Re: What do I do? skooz: ... Like I was saying...
It's very easy to go for the "We both have been through the same thing and we understand how each other feel." -- But then comes the place where you cross those lines and you don't identify right from wrong and you just want to feel good about yourself. What could be a great friendship goes beyond the limits and next thing you know, you feel you're in love. Oh, I know it too well and I know about the pain after you realize you've made a mistake when you're really not ready and the other person is way less ready than you.
It wasn't easy to end it. I didn't do it, he did, he was the "brave" one. Was it hard? Yeah, it was horrible, I didn't want it to end, I even begged, I tried. Divorce changes the way we feel, our hearts are wide open and very sensible and then they get broken again and I think it hurts even more than the first time because we lose that new hope we've found.
What's to work out? We all want to work it out. Just think about it carefully. I do hope you and this guy can work something out, but don't get carried away, guard your heart, please, guard your heart because it's the most valuable thing. Words are very powerful, they can send you to heaven and then back to hell in a matter of seconds. You're being supportive to someone who's hurting and next thing you know... instant love.
I think I wrote more than I was supposed to. I'm still digesting what happened to me and maybe this is my way to cope. I really just want to help other people see that there could be a bad side, but I do hope someone else will make it, even if I didn't. What hurts the most is losing a friend in the whole process...
Best of luck!
F.
Re: What do I do? Bubba: Bjs has some good points. Some very valid points. Smok-in, Blazin, and WG make some very good ones as well. It is far far easier to date someone who lives close by. You do get a chance to really know them before you move cities/states/countries. Granted.
In my case, contrary to Bjs's assumption, I dated a several girls in my area. In fact when I met BBH I was dating several, and ended up cancelling dates so I could talk to BBH. I can tell you one thing. BBH is not like any of the women in my area! My friends will attest to that! Perhaps it is the cultural difference between the Southern US and Canada, but I have never met anyone like her. Hell, I have never heard of anyone having met a girl like her! I guess that is why I decided to go with the LDR over a local one. I knew what I had found and went for it.
I have since that time spent a lot of time with BBH, both in RL and talking online/phone/video conference. I have gotten to know her extremely well, and she has gotten to see me too. Both at good times and in bad. Trust me we have had our arguements and fights. Nothing is perfect.
My point is that in many cases LDR's will not work. Just the nature of the relationships. On the flip side, you may meet someone that is a great match for you. It may be worth the risk and the hardship.
Bubba
Re: What do I do? skooz: I kinda feel like a total jerk after writing those two sickening long posts (you know, the big party pooper), but I guess everyone will speak from their personal experiences. Mine wasn't good, but it doesn't mean it's gonna be the same way for everyone else. The only thing I know is that if people have the chance to meet in person, they should do it ASAP.
I'm not against relationships, not at all! In fact, I would love to have a special relationship with a man, but the kind that won't put additional stress in my heart and many factors should be considered. It isn't so much about LDR as it is about dating someone who's dealing with a painful breakup when you're dealing with it as well because it gets hard at some point and not many people are prepared for the ups and downs. I certainly am not, especially not from a long distance.
That was my point. I'm at moment of my life when I would need a lot of attention, I admit it. Even if I'm a little bit further in the healing process, there's still way too much to deal with and trying to become someone's saviour isn't the smartest thing to do. I would be hurting myself and hurting the other person deeply, I know it too well now. There are other ways to help someone and to show them you care, and sometimes backing off and trying to save a good friendship is better than end up hurting because you're needy for the love your EX denied you.
Re: What do I do? clambakesX: [quote author=lonelywithouthim link=topic=19543.msg178136#msg178136 date=1128033198">
The problem I'm having is that I feel that i'm much further along in the healing process than he is, [/quote">
This stood out for me. I can't say anything about love on-line, but I at one point did have a lot of non-romantic off-Ojar contact with someone who used to post here and he turned into the biggest freaking burden ever. I tried explaining my view and how he could improve things (he was also draining his brother) but he never "got" it. Sometimes he leaves messages on my machine, and I can't even listen past the first minute b/c it's all about him and the same old circles he's turning in his head.
So the imbalance you point out here could present even bigger problems for you if you have feelings for the guy. I wasn't looking for love or connection other than witty banter, so my stakes were pretty low. You've got a lot more at risk.
I'm happy for all the couples who've found IRL love here, but they're the exceptions.
Re: What do I do? lonelywithouthim: Thanks for all of your input. You all make very valid points, and I guess I'm just going to have to take my chances. At this point in my life, what do I have to lose? Not a lot, and if anything I think it could be a good friendship.
Even though I seem to be further along in the healing process, that doesn't stop him from constantly asking how I am doing, how I feel etc. and I think that may be a good thing. At least it's not about him constantly, and I tried to (in a nice way) explain to him that when he is up-set that it up-sets me also. He apologized, and I think we've agreed that when he is overly irritated that he needs to take the time to cool off before calling me.
I won't lie, I am scared of potentially getting hurt again.. but if I never take that chance how will I know? I know there are no easy answers, I guess I was just looking for everyones intake on the situation. Thanks so much for listening to my story and offering suggestions. Wish me luck!
lwh
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