Re: My 5th Anniversary today twetifb: [quote author=Chey link=topic=19568.msg178485#msg178485 date=1128089390">
It's not that easy for others unfortunately. I'm not capable or built the same way to share my private feelings / emotions. I have never told my whole story on here because of the shame I feel about it, because I didn't want to "waste people's time"...because I felt like a Jerry Springer guest when I think about it, or even start talking about it.
Some of us have a habit of a lifetime of being the ones who "manage and cope"...and now some of us are learning to start talking about it.
It's just not easy. Even putting this post up nearly floored me...but I did it. I know it seems silly and alien to you lucky ones who have this wonderful ability to speak freely and purge yourselves, but I'm emotionall crippled perhaps in that I cant do it all in one go...:) I'm trying though!
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Chey~ I just wanted you to know that I'm the same as you in this aspect. I have always been the one everyone comes to with their problems but I can not go to anyone with mine. I'm working on this with my therapist and it's helping but I have a long way to go. The biggest thing I've learned though is that you need to choose the right person when asking for help. Little baby steps...that's all you need to take!
Re: My 5th Anniversary today justmenow: Chey, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this day. I went through it myself last November, so I understand completely. I'll go through it again in a month and a half and am hoping this year will be better than the last.
There's nothing wrong with not wanting to bare your soul and divulge the intimate details of your divorce. It really is very private and the end result (pain) of your divorce is the same regardless of how much everyone else knows. There is no shame in privacy. There are a lot of things people don't know about me either because I don't share them with the world. That doesn't make it wrong, so no apologies from you about that.
I kind of felt a knot in my stomach when I read your post because it seemed eerily familiar (the thoughts, emotions, etc.). Everyone can tell you how strong you are and how you will make it through (things you already know), but it doesn't make the day go any faster. Just know we all understand what you're going through.
Re: My 5th Anniversary today YellowJacket: [quote author=Chey link=topic=19568.msg178457#msg178457 date=1128086948">
Thank you YJ, you’re absolutely right, he did treat me poorly, and I really hope that one day I do celebrate today and not mourn the failure of my marriage. I guess it’s not HIM I mourn, just the statistic of being another failed marriage, and of feeling like the biggest thing I tried to achieve I failed at. You’re right though thank you.
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Chey, you've used the term "fail" in one way or another several times to describe your marriage. Not just here but elsewhere as well. Only you know to what extent this is true. Most all of us have some responsibility in the fact that we're getting divorced.
But I think there is a level of expectation that you should have for yourself and if you met that then you most certainly did not fail. That level should be realistic and not "I did everything right all the time." From the little that I know of your situation, I'm very inclined to think that you did what you were supposed to. He did not treat you well; that much I'm sure of!
In terms of "failing", being married is like driving in a car. It doesn't matter how great of a driver you are, if the other person is still careless you're still going to get into an accident. There is only so much you can do. It takes two to make it work but only one to make it fail.
Next time you'll choose someone who will treat you better.
Re: My 5th Anniversary today Chey: [quote author=dgiirl link=topic=19568.msg178496#msg178496 date=1128089867">
Oh i know :( I didnt mean to sound inconsiderate with my post, but now reflecting on it, i might have been. I just wanted to give you some food for thought on why it's not selfish to tell your story.[/quote">
Not at all….I knew exactly what you meant, it just made me a little sad how far off I was from being at that point. It’s all comfort…how much we know how comfortable we are, and the audience we’re talking to. I think you do the right thing by yourself though, which is awesome
[quote author=tweety link=topic=19568.msg178501#msg178501 date=1128090232">
Chey~ I just wanted you to know that I'm the same as you in this aspect. I have always been the one everyone comes to with their problems but I can not go to anyone with mine. I'm working on this with my therapist and it's helping but I have a long way to go. The biggest thing I've learned though is that you need to choose the right person when asking for help. Little baby steps...that's all you need to take!
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Absolutely, baby steps are definitely a cliché that I’ve found works for me. I think you’re absolutely right, finding the right person to share my story with has been the biggest challenge, trusting them with what I tell them, and trusting myself to be “ok” with whatever their reaction is to what I say, and pray they still want to be my friend afterwards.
[quote author=justmenow link=topic=19568.msg178503#msg178503 date=1128090340">
I'll go through it again in a month and a half and am hoping this year will be better than the last.[/quote">
And when you do post your own thread so I can tell you the same lovely things you’re telling me ;)
[quote"> It really is very private and the end result (pain) of your divorce is the same regardless of how much everyone else knows. There is no shame in privacy. There are a lot of things people don't know about me either because I don't share them with the world. That doesn't make it wrong, so no apologies from you about that.[/quote">
It really is private, but I’ve also been withholding this from people who have shared with me, and who I have (I hope) given advice to, but as Dgiirl said, am I not then being a selfish friend by withholding MY story and allowing them to help me? Picking a good friend to trust should be a two way street from now on I think.
[quote"> I kind of felt a knot in my stomach when I read your post because it seemed eerily familiar (the thoughts, emotions, etc.). Everyone can tell you how strong you are and how you will make it through (things you already know), but it doesn't make the day go any faster. Just know we all understand what you're going through.
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Thank you JMN….I really appreciate that (hugs)
Re: My 5th Anniversary today Chey: [quote author=YellowJacket link=topic=19568.msg178508#msg178508 date=1128090757">
Chey, you've used the term "fail" in one way or another several times to describe your marriage. Not just here but elsewhere as well. Only you know to what extent this is true. Most all of us have some responsibility in the fact that we're getting divorced.[/quote">
I do use that word a lot...because I do feel like I failed...and yes I have to come to terms with that. It's like I said though, getting married for me was the biggest achievement of my life. To "fail" at it was horrible, and desperately crushing for me.
[quote"> He did not treat you well; that much I'm sure of