Need Advice Debbie: ???
My ex sent me this message after I told him we need to meet and discuss what we are going to do next. He sent me back this:
of course...let me know when/where you want to meet. I think I have a decent idea of what we should do.
I am afraid to hear what his decent idea is because it always centers around his needs and wants. I have gone along with this in the past, but know that he is leaving me I feel it is time to not let him push me around anymore. I am just scared to stand up for myself. I figured that I do want to move out of the house and I want to buy a smaller house that I can afford in the area (I live in Northern California which I followed him to last year). He wants me to stay in the house with too many memories and I just realize I can't do that. I need to find the strength to stand up to him. I am crying as I write this because never did I think I would have to go through this. Also two weeks ago while he was thinking of divorcing me he suggested I buy a new car so now I have a car payment that i can't afford on top of all of this. Some days I feel like I am sinking into debt because of the mess he has lead me into. When we first got married I had mutual funds and was saving a lot of money, he had 10,000 dollars in credit card debt that I made sure to get rid of in two years. I am only a teacher so I do not make a lot of money, but it seems like he set it up so that when we get a divorce there will only be debt.
Everyone of my friends tell me I will survive, but I have two big dogs I also have to take care of because although he wanted them before now he can not take care of them although he makes double my income! I am sorry for venting I just need to say how I feel sometimes because I feel you all will understand.
Debbie
Re: Need Advice lilly10: Debbie just do it stand up for yourself what have you got to lose? At this point nothing more then you have'nt already lost. If his "decent idea" is not what you want then let him know that and just remember that you dont have to agree to anything! I am in a heaping mess myself so I know where you are coming from. I to am moving out of my house till it sells partly because of the memories and partly because I just cant afford it all on my own. So I need to find an apartment and a new job back in my home state so I am so overwhelmed but one day at a time I guess.
Dont be pushed around be strong!!
Oh and I have a dog as well she is staying with my mom right now but I miss my furbaby like crazy!! She is a newfie puppy I got her 2 weeks before he dropped the bomb on me. I cant find an apartment that will even accept a gold fish let alone a dog that will grow to be 125 pounds. Thank goodness for my mom but it is just not fair she was my dream dog and I got her because I was a home owner and settled down!! I'm sorry I had to vent!
Re: Need Advice Debbie: That is fine, vent all you want that is what this site is for. At least that is what I am using it for. Unfortunatley I do not have anyone to send my babies to so I have to stay with friends until I could try to afford a house.
Re: Need Advice Erin: I'm with you girls on the furbaby struggle. I'm currently staying in our house, which I can afford to stay in and am figuring out if I can stay permanently.
It angers me too the thought of struggling to find somewhere to live if not here, that accepts dogs. Places that allow dogs where I live are not nice. I am not giving up my dog. I absolutely refuse to. I too waited until I was in a situation that was best for having one. Now with the rug pulled out from under me, that is a realistic possibility and the thought of finding another home for the 2 of us makes me sick.
I know staying together for the dog is not a good reason, but it makes me mad that he hasn't even paused for a second to think about it or mention it.
We are better off with our dogs then husbands!
Re: Need Advice lostboy: Debbie,
Stand your ground in this. You need to fight for what you believe is yours. I'm not sure what he means by "decent ideas" but by his tone it sounds as though these "ideas" will benefit only him. It sounds like he may be woking out a strategy of sorts. Be on your guard. In terms of the house. If you simply can not afford to live there perhaps it would be better to look into a smaller place. In addition you would be able to leave negative memories behind and start creating new positive ones in a new space.
I live in northern Ca. as well and I have a decent paying job for the area but I know first hand what the cost of living is like here and I do undestand your concern. Finding a place that accepts dogs out here is not an easy task Especially if I wish to remain in close porximity to work. I had to give up my dog for a time to live in the space that I am at now and I do miss her.
I will say though, that moving out of the large apartment both my ex and I were living in has made a dramatic difference in my perception of the situation. Simply being in my own space is giving me a great sense of strength and comfort and I finally feel I can start moving on.
I'm sorry to hear about the debt you are facing but remember it's not all on you. If you can, I would highly advise you seek legal counsel before agreeing to any of your Ex's "ideas" He left..you.. thus you may have much more control in this situation than you are currently aware.
We are all here for you.
Keep posting!
Keep well,
Lostboy
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