Re:"for the best...." INCT: I too heard "it's for the best" I think it's a strange thing to say or hear. The actual divorce and no longer being in love, not wanting to try to find some common ground not to honor your vows is not for the best in my opinion.
HOWEVER, Has my life gone on? sure, can I look at my new life and say things are going well over all? sure, was divorce for the best?
To me it's like saying.."Excellent I got in a car crash! I'm in the hospital, but hey, I'm gonna get a new car"
INCT
Re:"for the best...." nerak: I think the "it's for the best" is all about him not feeling guilty. As long as he convinces himself he's doing you a favor he doesn't have to live with the guilt of hurting you. Now, he isn't a self centered jerk who bailed on his wife, he is a sacrificing generous person who is letting you go because he knows that's what is best for you even though it hurts. It's still all about him. Even his wanting what's best for you is really about alleviating his guilt.
Of course he could be a sacrificing noble guy who wants what's best for you by working on the marriage and being the best husband he could be but that's harder.
Sorry if that reply was too much of a downer. But I do think it is all about alleviating his own guilt.
Re:"for the best...." achingallover: Great responses guys! Thanks so much!
Inebr: Please! Don not apologize for sharing your story! That's part of the support for me, is hearing what others have gone through and what they make of their situation! Seriously, I am learning through you, my dear! You have been SO helpful to me!
d2b: I would never shoot you!...maybe shoot you up with Paxil, but I promise, you would thank me for that! ;D ;)
No but seriously, this post was not meant to judge anyone's situation. It sounds like you did EXACTLY what you should have done in your situation. In your case, it sounds like it was definatly for the best for you...and probably for the best for him, but he doesn't want to realize it yet!
I guess the thing with my situation, is that I wanted to work! I knew there were problems and he refused to work. I agree with inebr, I think my biggest beef here with him is that he is 100% sure HE knows whats BEST for me. I have the exact same sitaution in inebr in that, he has this mindset, it's tunnel vision, and I can't change that so I have to MAKE THE BEST out of a bad situation and move on.
It's so interesting how this one little phrase "it's the best" manifests in so many different ways for each one of us. Wild. And Niceguy, I know, I'm trying to move into the idea that maybe this is "for the best" becuase I don't have any choice in the matter! LIke you, and many others, there is no other way to deal with this - but try to move on and look on the "bright side". Like we're forced to - to continue on and find the happy life we all so desperately want. So, I guess in a way, I have to accept this being "for the best" in my head and in my actions, but in my heart, I will never believe that this is "for the best".
Hugs to all and thanks again for the insightful posts!
Steph
Re:"for the best...." JASPER: Hey aching I think when people say it's for the best they mean there best because how can he know what is best for you?I also think that after time goes by you will then be able to decide what is best for you..And who knows he could be right after the pain and the healing process you may even begin to enjoy your new found freedom I know I sure am!
Re:"for the best...." altd: I am also getting the "for the best thing" not just from my stbx but from mutual friends as well. I have to agree that aleviating guilt may be part of it for my stbx. I am not sure why I am getting it from friends, maybe they are just trying to help me move on. Everyone keeps talking about too much damage, too much water under the bridge.
It's been four months now, and I have not had any sudden realizations that this is for the best, I don't think I ever will, but who knows.
I think the only way I will be able to look at this is that I have no choice, no control, and must accept it. I don't think that I will ever be able to look at ending a 12 year relationship without trying to work on it and fix things as "for the best." I will go on and have a great life, but I will never know what could have happened had we tried to fix things.
Click More for the next page.
