anger inebr: Ugh. I feel angry this morning. I'm frustrated and angry about him leaving, not trying, walking away. I'm angry that somehow this is partially my doing, ...I don't know, is it? ...or at least now I have to take responsibility for this. I talked with one of our mutual friends last night, more his friend than mine, and through talking with him I realized that my stbx is just unfair and paints a picture of this being something he is trying at, or tried at. Which I don't see. Maybe he tried in his head or something. And that frustrates me because he walked away without even giving it what I would call a real chance. We were married last august before I went away to study in Europe. In october he was telling me he was feeling *tense* and unsure and it soon turned into him feeling like we should get a divorce. I come home, still in hopes that this can be worked out, that the time apart was difficult and we just needed to be together again. But he hasn't tried. He built up walls, he shut down, he moved out (because it was getting too hurtful to me -- well, thanks). It is really strange. We have never really lived together as a married couple! It's like he decided in his mind (based on nothing to do with what I believe is reality) that this wasn't going to work. And now he's just making sure it won't work without having to be too responsible for it not working. I'm angry at him. What could I have done differently? I don't know. I would like to believe that I did nothing to make this happen ...but I don't know. It's confusing. I go from blaming him for this, being angry ...sometimes I wonder, what is my part in this? How did this happen? What can I do to fix it? WTF is going on?
Anyhow, anger (mixed with confusion) is the emotion of the day. :P
Thanks everyone ...I needed to vent.
inebr
Re: anger achingallover: Hey girlie...
UGH!! Do I KNOW what you mean!? The exact same thing here with mine - he paints this picture to people on the outside that he has been "trying" for a year! And here's the thing, I believe he was "trying" in his own way...but it's like making a chocolate suffle without a recipe....you can throw s**t in the bowl, but it will just turn out to be a big mess because you have no idea what you are doing! That is what this past year has been for me! Him throwing s**t in the bowl and then giving up becuase the souffle didn't "work". HE NEVER EVEN HAD THE RECIPE!!! We NEVER went to couples therapy to learn how to make our souffle! Both of our families were crappy role models for marriage and how to be in relationship with each other. You gotta go LEARN how to do things when the aren't going well - and they are worth the saving. For whatever reason, our relationship, in his eyes was not worth the saving. And the stragest part is, he has been in personal therapy for a year and has SEEN physical and mental changes in himself - BIG TIME - yet he has said all year "couples therapy is not going to help us". WHAT!!! That makes no logical sense! I mean, maybe I could see someone saying that who has never been in therapy or doesn't believe it works, but he has actually seen some BIG TIME improvements in himself with 1 year of therapy. Now, he wouldn't miss a week of it...yet he says it would "do no good" in fixing our relationship. No my friend, this is a true example of how it has not been me all this time. The bottom line is, this person, for whatever reaon - fear, anger, frustration hopelessness - has chosen NOT to even TRY to work this out with me. That is his choice. I wasn't perfect in the relationship and I will fully admit that. I dont' think anyone is. You can't be. But this decision, to end us, he gets to take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for.
Ugh. I'm full of sass this morning too. I think my Paxil is wearing off. Maybe I should take 2! ;D
I think I"m gonna go jog off some of this frustration.
Have a good day, Darc! E me!
Friday Cyber Hugs-
Steph
Re: anger Bob-Bob: Inebr,
It is completely normal to feel the way you are, I have gone through that more than once in the past 2 months.
But you cannot and should not blame yourself for the other person walking away without trying to work on the problems...
He has made the choice to turn his back on the relationship, You did not make that choice for him. He has made the choice to not communicate his feelings. You will make it through this but quit trying to take the guilt. Everyone plays a role in a relationship, he quit, or couldn't play his.
I know it is hard not to look back at things and think " What could I have done differntly?" but you need to focus on What you can do differently now, for yourself. (not for him)
Just like you did not make this choice for him, you can't make choices for him in the future either.
It seems to be the case alot that we as the leavees have no clue that it was going to happen. Don't blame yourself for this, there is nothing like good old fashioned communication... I know in my case I would have loved to hear an ultimatum or anything that would have let me know what she was feeling or that there was a problem. ...This my friend should tell you where the problem is.
Some of my best venting has been on here... there are alot of great people here that are going through or have gone through the exact same feelings.
Hugs-
Bob
Re: anger Jenny: Hi Inebr
Im knew to all this message board stuff. I logged on to this site in desperation to communicate with someone whos going through what I am. Im overwhelmed and shocked at the amount of people who feel like I do!
My husband left me after 10 years of together and 3 young children. He said he was stressed and miserable with me. He said I was never happy (not true) and constantly put him down (not true). Im having an angry day today too, although my heart is breaking also. I feel he gave up a year ago, but instead of being man enough to admit it he just blamed me for everything. Nothing I did was good enough and believe me I tried. The worst is like your situation, he is telling everyone that I was the one that was never happy and that he tried everything. I know thats not true because we went to marraige counselling as a "last resort" after I begged him and he really wasnt that interested. He never tried. The therapist said I carried 90% of the relationship but still hes blaming me!!!!
Its bad enough being left on your own with 3 very young children but to hear that hes telling everyone it was me it just so frustrating, unfair and very hurtful, is it not enough that hes ruined my life?
I know how you feel. The only thing that gets me through is that my own friends and family know the truth and they are there for me. I refuse to contact any of his friends or family because I know he'll resent it and hes filling them full of bull anyway because he doesnt want to be the bad guy.
I really suggest you cut off people who are going to cause you more stress and surround yourself with those who are there for you. Hes not going to change what he says or does no matter what you do unfortunately.
Mind yourself, I know its hard but try not to worry about what other people think, you have enough on your plate.
Re: anger wizer_now: [quote author=Jenny link=topic=2.msg457677#msg457677 date=1170891842"> I know its hard but try not to worry about what other people think, you have enough on your plate.
[/quote">
No worries. His plate was emptied 3.5 years ago.
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