God It Hurts biamiyumba: I didn't realise how much this divorce would hurt. How callous and uncaring another human being could get. A naive assumption, but one is usually caught unawares when you enter into a trusting relationship with another.
My story is I started to be bullied at work. I couldn't leave because I had two small children and the jobs in my profession are scarce. I started to complain to my husband who identified the bullying. After two years and many false accusations against me I quit. My husband was furious. He became cold and angry, picking on everything I said and every little thing, and big thing I did. Of course, I didn't understand. Why wasn't he there for me, why wasn't he supporting me. What the hell was happening. He accused me of not getting along with people but it seemed to me that I was the latest victum in a very bitchy crowd. I was totally perplexed. I tried so hard but I began to shake every time I sat down at the computer to write a letter, write an essay or protocol. I realised I was shaking because of fear or scrutiny by others. The shaking was uncontrollable. My husband sneered when I told him. So what was his problem? He was my husband! He's supposed to help!
After analyzing his behaviour I think he was the same personality type that the women I escaped from were. See someone vulnerable and attack. This was rich! I started to get angry with him. Afterall, I supported him through another degree course because he was unhappy at his work. For three years I was the only income-earner, supporting him and our two children. Now I needed help and all he does is sneer at me. Our children's feelings didn't matter to him - he would undermine me in front of them. I bought a dog for our youngest and he hurts his feelings by sneering that it was my dog. I bought a cat for our eldest but this was not a problem because my husband is a "Cat person". He throws a tantrum when he doesn't get his way and when he does he sneers at others. Clearly a man who did not want to be married anymore.
My mother said he showed the signs of a man who had found someone else and now I know it to be true. Although he won't admit it. He baits me by doing something against me like throw something of mine out (something I use) and then complains I bully him when I get angry about his actions. He undermines me in front of the entire Cub Scout group and then disappears for 2 hours, leaving me to do all the work when I tell him (privately) not to do it. He's limited the amount of money I have had to spend on the groceries and the children to the point that I could not buy myself any toiletries or personal items. He's blamed me for the loss of some of his friends, but clearly they were showing signs of disatisfaction with him years before.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being blamed, being ostracized, being put down and belittled in front of others by this self-absorbed, arrogant, ego-maniac. And yet despite all this, the divorce hurts. God it hurst. It hurts like hell. I literally have a pain over my heart that won't go away. Divorce is the right thing to do. I have no more respect for this fool and yet I still suffer this awfull pain. I don't mourn him as he is, but for what we had, what we were aiming for, what we were building - all gone because he was too weak a personality to suffer the hard times. No soldier is he.
When I was 18 I had an epiphany. Its the weak who cause problems in this world, not the strong. If I marry again I will undertake to choose a strong person. Someone who is capable of being the only person in a crowd with a differing opinion. Someone who would never kick anyone when they are down but hopefully to help them.Someone - one day.
Re: God It Hurts changed4ever: Welcome to Ojar and we all understand your pain. No matter how horrific your marriage was there is still so much pain when it ends especially when you have kids. You will go through a grieving process, but you will heal. It will get better and your kids will be better. The people here have amazing stories and give wonderful, caring advice and support. You are not alone and as you read the threads you will be inspired by so many people who have healed and gone on to have wonderful lives. Stay strong and know that in the end you will be a better person and mother.
Re: God It Hurts Debbie: Your ex husband sounds a lot like mine. Divorce does hurt, but I am slowly realizing how weak he was towards my needs. All that ever mattered to him was what he wanted and he was never satisfied, he always wanted more. There was always a new electronic, car or whatever that he had to have. If I didn't agree he would first mopp around the house then become verbally abusive and want to argue all of the time. I would eventually give in because there was only so much I could take. But when it came to me just wanting to talk about my day at work or just tell him I was feeling sad he did not care and would not even want to listen. He would just want to tell me about his day and how he has ineffcient workers that work for him. I asked if he was being sensitive to any of the problems in their life and he would say who cares they have to work at least 11 hours and work hard I do not care what is happening at home. He told me no one was happy working for him. I tried to tell him a little sensitivity and caring goes a long way, he did not listen. Instead he told me he wanted a divorce because I was emotional and irrational, I think he was just projecting.
Debbie
