Re: So now I have a question..... dgiirl: WG, if this was happening to one of your girls, what would you want THEM to do? Would you think it's best if they got back together, or would you want her to be happy? Right now, everything you do is a role model to your kids. It's noble for you to want to sacrifice your own happiness for your kids, but unfortunately, all that will build is resentment inside of you, and you will show your girls that their happiness in their own lives is not as important as others. They learn from what you do and reenact it in their own lives. If you show them that you follow your own happiness, they will do the same in their lives. Show them you are a strong person with a lot of self respect. Follow what will make YOU happy, and they will do the same in their own lives. Does that make sense?
Re: So now I have a question..... alonewith2: Sometimes it's just too late....if you know what I mean. It was too late for me and my STBX, and it seems it's too late for you and yours.
It doesn't mean that you can't still be there to support him. My STBX and I still do that a lot. And in time, if those feelings come back, then they do.....
Just continue with your life as you were doing, and support him during his path to recovery.
Re: So now I have a question..... Lumpy: Do you think the kids would be happier if the two of you were together? I think that's an illusion that I hung onto. I think they'd like the "Idea" of it but the reality would be altogether different. Why do they seem to do this after we have moved on? Day late, buck short seemed to be the mantra of both my divorce and my marriage.
Re: So now I have a question..... charmed: I sure feel for you girl!!!
First of all it's only been a very short time since he's been clean. I commend him for this, but it isn't enough time to see how serious he is. I know what pill popping can do to a person and those around them. It isn't pretty, as you well know!!!
I don't think it's wise to be with him now as husband and wife. I feel he needs to prove that he is serious about his addiction, first to himself and then to you and your children. He has to do this because he wants to and not for what he may get out of it. Not saying that's his agenda, but you have to look at that aspect also. If he doesn't do it because he truly, truly wants to, he probably won't stay clean for long.
It's great that you have a civil relationship. This will greatly help your children to adjust on whichever way you go. I know it's difficult to break up a family, but if they know that both of you are in their lives every step of the way, I don't feel there will be horrible effects. I know some of the things you've said about your children and they are strong. I mean, they know how to use tools LOL
I'm not sure if you can get your feelings back. You've had time to step back and objectively see things as they were. This often conjures up so much reality that you're knocked to your knees LOL Maybe this reality pushed the love away or maybe it's about "like". It's very important to "like" the person you are with and what he did to you and the family you created together didn't leave much to like.
I feel the answer here isn't an easy one, but I don't think you have to make it immediately. I think it needs to be given time to see what he does with himself. On the other hand, if you can say for certain that you do not want him to be in your life as a husband, then maybe you have your answer. There does seem to be a lot of uncertainties.
You are young and you have to look at your happiness into the future. Will you wither away by being with him? Would it be possible to grow closer if he deals with his addiction and is serious?
I am one that stayed in a large part because of my children. Was it the right decision? I truly cannot say, but I do know that it had dire effects on ME. My children survived and are now grown and on their own. There were some effects by living in a somewhat dysfunctional home. For the most part they are well-adjusted adults. So the jury is out on whether it's best to stay for the children.
We're here for you whatever you decide. If you want to talk further, I'm just a PM away...
(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))
`charmed
Re: So now I have a question..... hudson: Hey wg.
I can see separating from someone because of an addiction, but IMO it's not grounds to divorce someone.
I think the separation should be used for two reasons. One, to get away from the bad situation for awhile. And Two, to see if the separation provides the motivation for him to get clean, straighten his act out.
You're right, the kids would probably love to have the family back together, more than you know i'm sure. So I don't think you can go wrong in that department.
As far as the whole "love" thing. Well, every married couple has to work a whole lot in that department, addict or not. The choice you have to make is, are you willing to love him again. Because to me it's your choice. Love isn't a feeling, IMO. So i'm sure you don't feel much love for the guy right now. But you must love him on some level. And you can build upon that love.
It's tough. There's a very good chance that he will battle this addiction for years to come. There's a very good chance that he won't stay clean for long. So ask yourself...if you get back together with him, are you going to dump again should his addiction rear it's ugly head again?
Cause that's what this all boils down to, not what he would do, but what you would. Would you break up the family again because of his addictions? If you would, then I'd suggest not putting the kids through that again.
sorry if I sound harsh
Just my two cents
Click More for the next page.
