Re: Do you ever wonder? gumby55555: Hey Bug,
I remember you from back in the day (so to speak :o) and I wanted to congratulate you on that introspection. It seems to me that you've managed to make it to such a good place that you're now able to do some tough work on yourself. The kinds of questions you have are so even-handed and reflect a depth and perspective that's truly hard-gained. The benefits from the insights this gives won't be immediately apparent... but they'll be the most valuable ones you've gained so far...
Good for you, kiddo! :)
Re: Do you ever wonder? Older Guy: [quote author=Bug link=topic=20080.msg186164#msg186164 date=1128920914">
Oh and for those of you who read that. I am doing okay now. ;) :)
[/quote">
Bug - glad you'rednoig okay. I fully believe in the old "it takes 2 to tango". IMO...Relationhips breakdown because of factors that both parties bring too the party. I really think that breakdowns happen because we need to change/improve on some type of lifeskill of learning. Sometimes its the kick in the (...you know where..) that we need to initiate honect reflection and work on the improvement that we need to make. And become better people to shre with soneone in whatever relationship we end up in the future.
OG
Re: Do you ever wonder? in_search_of: Its not the what you did and the what he did to make it not work. Its what about the combination of the two of you made it not work.
Your individual quirks, and his individual "quirks" (for lack of a better word) put together are what makes it work or not work. Each of you with someone else might have made it.
I know that there were things that I did in my marriage that made it not work, and things that he did that made it not work. And together those things ruined it...it was never going to work with us as a combination.
Honey, there is nothing about you that makes you unworthy of the hold on fight it out kind of relationship, you will find someone when both of you are ready. Just think about all the frogs that I had to kiss in the process of finding my prince!
Re: Do you ever wonder? paddington: Bug.....
Please don't hurt yourself with this line of thinking. One thing I have learned is that you can't make anyone do something. Are there things you could have done better...of course. Are there ways in which your xH could have responded differently, could have communicated better with you? Absolutely.
Often, when we act (or don't act) we are not in touch with the underlying feelings motiovating us. If you did something, and your xH was fully present in the relationship an wanted it to work, he would have responded differently. Same with you.
I agree with ISO about the "quirks." In the end, a successful relationship comes down to accepting someone as they are, not how you want them to be.
Pad.
Re: Do you ever wonder? bigblue: Bug:
I read your original post. i cannot say our husbands were the same, but some of the things they have done are very similar...
you had a passive-aggressive man. and so did I... the question is can you live with this man. all of us have some type of personality disorder, or "quirks". Can you live with it? or how far can you live with it, is the question...
however, I also learned that I am a "rescuer". This is a typical female personality flow. Especially, abused children don't know how to receive (see I was abused, and I think your mother also emotionally abused you). you just want someone to love you and then when they love you back, you lose all identity.. and keep trying, keep trying, keep taking responsibility etc etc... then
at least, at this point, i know i can control my actions. and no more "rescuing" for me. "rescuers" eventually become "victims". My husband was also very sweet, but inside he was angry and he was distant... However, I also find fault in myself with not taking action earlier. I should have put my foot down year ago. OR I should have accepted him as he was... it is not easy, but many women do it. I didn't and I couldn't. so it is my decision and i have to live with it although it hurts.
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