Sorry.... SunnyFlower: Sorry, guys...I haven't posted in a while, and I hate to be a downer, but the weight I feel in my chest is so crushing right now I need some kind of release.
Over the summer, I went to my stbx and begged to reconcile and he crushed me....I was broken. It was the lowest I was since we seperated last January. I couldn't have gone any lower, and I started to heal. I accepted the fact that my marriage was over...I started to date casually and look forward to what the future had in store for me. I was doing so good....
Then...
He called me crying late one night just after Thanksgiving. It was the first time in 11 months he had done ANYTHING like that. He's the sort that doesn't talk and keeps it all inside. We cried on the phone together for hours, trying to figure out why we were where we were. He never mentioned reconciling, just the fact that he feels like he "can't get past this." We hadn't spoken of it again since that night.
I was really close to his sister and her 2 kids. She called me on Christmas Eve crying, after a year of not having talked to each other and saying she has been thinking of me all this time, and that she misses me and loves me, and still thinks of me as an aunt to her 2 daughters, and that she wanted to get together. I met with her and saw her and my 2 nieces (???) 3 weeks ago for the first time in a year. It was a very emotional day. She went on about how my stbx was really depressed and sick all the time.
What's the point, here?
I am back in the same place where I was over the summer. The scabbed was ripped off after he called me late that one night. The seed of doubt was planted and watered by the fact that I KNOW he is unhappy and nurtured by the rekindled relationship with my sister-in-law (???). I don't want to wake up in the morning anymore...this has been going on for weeks and weeks. I don't have the same appetite I used to have. My whole day revolves around when I can go back to sleep, and if I am not tired, I take a sleeping pill to MAKE me sleep. But then, the dreams come....they are too real for me to bear sometimes.
I don't know if I am back in this dark place because I know the end is near?? Is it a combination of things? It bothers me that we sare a 2 year child together and that our family is in shambles....I miss our family...I miss HIM. I really miss him.
I don't know how to get out of this. I know if I told him how I feel he would crush me again...perhaps that is what I need to do.
:'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
Re:Sorry.... Safetykc: No apologies necessary....
We have all...all of us been there....again and again...we read it on OJAR every day... :'( :'(
I am so sorry...so sorry for the pain you have to bear. :'( I wish I had the answers how to make the pain go away or be easier, but I am afraid none of us do. But we can listen and support and tell you, you are not alone....
If I could take it from you I would, but the pain is yours to work through. You know my thoughts, feelings, and words on this already Sunny. I know you said I didn't have to post, but I wanted to support you in any way I can.
I am sure you could see this coming in re-engaging with his family as you did and never working through the doubts caused by him calling you. This has been building since then...
You have to do what you need to do for closure and to reignite the healing process again...I don't want you to be crushed again either... :'(...but only you can walk the path of finding out what it would take to find some closure and healing. And of course...you and I both know....he may not crush you...If the future was already written the world would be a pretty boring place. ;) Life is enigmatic thing...you never now...I truly wish you happiness in what ever happens....That is the most important thing. If you BOTH want to work things out, it is a hard road, but not an impossible one...If only one of you does...it will lead to a lot of pain for both of you...Some of which you are going through now...
The end of the divorce process coming up is also adding to a lot of mixed emotions and feelings. I remember going through some of the same things with my Ex and she as well...A week before the divorce was done she broke down for the first time in a long time and talked of possibly working things out. It shocked me...I don't think she truly wanted to reconcile, but the fear of the future and the unknown was affecting both of our emotions...My true healing is far from complete, but didn't really begin until the divorce was done...that isn't the same for everyone, but it is hard to heal while still in limbo and in limbo you are...As I said, I don't have any answers, just words...
All I do know, is I hate to hear the tears and pain in your voice lately. I have felt it. I wish I could take it away for you and take it away for all of us who went through/are going through the pain of divorce/loss/grief. Maybe others will have better advice. I have always been a better listener than an advisor and you have my ear anytime sweetie.
So other then my unending support and caring all I have to offer you is a song...
And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world
And you are a wonderful person Sunflower. A wonderful woman, a caring person, and a good mother. Don't forget that people out here in the wide wide world truly care about you.
I don't know if I can stretch my arms wide enough to hug you as hard as I want to, but I will try....STTTTRREEEETTTTCHHHH ;D
if the sky's gonna fall down let it fall on me
if you're gonna break down you can break on me
if the sky's gonna fall down let it fall on me
if it's gonna rain down it can rain on me
it can rain on me
Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Take care
Safety
Re:Sorry.... picadilly: Hey y'all. Thought I'd chime in too.
Sunny, no one ever said that divorce would be a walk in the park. Like marriage, it's a gamble, we put everything we have in it & sometimes we come up craps. Now with your divorce so close to the end, nerves are a bit more frayed.
I'm happy to hear that your reconnecting with your Ex-sister-in-law. Remember that she is your sons Aunt so hopefully you can keep that connection going now, especially if you like her & her husband.
No, you do not deserve to be crushed, by anyone or anything. Never think that way, you have to live your life the best way you can & being crushed over & over again is not it. I hope you & your Ex can come to terms with your situation, really, I hope he can. Being civil to each other will make things alot easier on your son too, but maybe your Ex only feels his own pain right now.
I know, it's been a while since you've been seperated, for both of you that wound hasn't healed & maybe it won't be healed for a while. You have to move forward in your life & understand that maybe it is over, you will never have that level of intimacy with him that you once had. None of us will, but such is life. I don't want to come off making light of this situation, I know it's anything but light. I just hate to see you down on yourself for something that is out of your control now. Seems to me that your Ex isn't sure what he wants either, weak one minute & stoic the next.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this, just so much garbage out of my keyboard. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you, hoping your better, day by day.
Be well, be strong, be all the woman that you can be. ;D
Sorry.... ChristyM: Sunny-
I wanted to lend my support. I've gone through something similar with my s2bx coming back and saying he was sorry, he was lonely, never would have asked for a divorce, etc...The problem was, when I brought up reconciliation he didn't think he could do it...ummmm...what?! I finally said, Listen, you take some time and figure out what you want and if I'm here, fine, if I've moved on, too bad for you. The up and down is the killer. It seems like you're worrying so much about him crushing you if you throw the dreaded "R" word back on the table, but what are you doing to yourself now? You can't eat, you can't sleep. I am a firm believer that people make mistakes and sometimes realize they made a mistake and then want to fix it. To me, he's had ample time to dissect his feelings and figure out what he wants. I also think that sometimes people need to really look at their lives (especially after all the time that's passed for you two) and look at their quality of life and be truthful that their life sucks without the other person. I think this is a big sign that maybe divorce wasn't the way to go -especially if BOTH people are suffering. I mean, what other proof do you need? I think all you can do now is approach him and ask him straight up and if he holds fast to his past decisions then you can only move on. This has been a GREAT fear of mine and I've told my psychologist - "What if I move on and he comes back later and wants to really work on it?" Is that warped or what? If I've moved on I shouldn't care what he wants. But still.........
Christy
Sorry.... ChristyM: I just wanted to add.....
*Not sure if you're divorced yet or not since I'm not familiar with your situation, but maybe if you talk to him you don't actually say reconciliation. Maybe start out small (if you want to) and just arrange a get together - maybe lunch or dinner or something like that. Sometimes people get scared about saying "reconciliation" because they aren't sure if it will work out and they feel they'll be right back where they started.
Christy
