Slings and arrows bit pusher: To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them.
- Hamlet's third soliloquy
Yeah, so I've been re-reading Hamlet. Screw divorce; that cat had issues ... although I could definately see calling up the Ex and shouting "Get thee to a nunnery!" into the phone and then hanging up violently ... perhaps it is best that we're not on speaking terms. (I figure I'm ok as long as I'm not fondling Yorick's skull and meditating on the fact that the Ex can paste an inch of makeup on and she'll still end up in that state eventually ... or am I?)
Something snapped in me when the divorce went final. I went nine months with no shrink, no pills, and nobody to talk to ... figured everything was just gonna keep buzzing along like normal. No worries, right? Flush six years of your life, spend the better part of a year killing your past, and just suck it up ... deal with it like a machine.
All the sudden I can't sleep, can barely eat, and any time I'm alone I slide off into some obsessive anxiety attack. There's nothing quite so entertaining as walking into the office in the morning and having everyone announce "Jesus, you look like hell, man" ... some ghastly dawn chorus that affirms, each day, that I'm worse off now than when I started. The best part is they all assume I'm trashed because I stayed up too late working or drinking ... I've internalized the rest of the divorce so well nobody expects me to throw a freakout.
Rule #1: expect the unexpected
Corollary: unexpect the expected
So here I am, all set to start up the St. Thomas chapter of Alcoholics Unanimous, when my shrink in a bottle decides to take a vacation ... all I can do is stumble around like some toddler who lost his security blanket, hunting every square inch of this rock for the bar with the magic drink that will still dull the pain. Problem being they all serve the same drinks and none of them are working. Thank the gods for cigarettes.
Ah, the worm is turning ... I suppose I'll need to do something with myself here soon, although what is yet to be determined.
Re:Slings and arrows Spectrum: Well, the only certain thing is that if you don't allow yourself to just grieve and feel the pain, it won't go away. It will just find a more insidious way to leak its way out and it will poison your life in the process.
I'm glad you found your way here. Just know that way out here in the blue nowhere, there are plenty of us going through the same thing. If I could pick you up and put you some place happy, I definitely would.
You are obviously a highly intelligent guy, and you have more than half your life left to live. You have the power to meet someone really special, who will love you for your wry humor and won't think twice about the demands of your job.
I think you are selling yourself short by spending your time looking back, rather than looking forward. If you spend your life looking in the rear-view mirror, you're bound to go off the road eventually. And you might even run over a few pedestrians while you're at it.
I'm sure on some level you thought my "New twist on an old story" thread was hokey. But if you could open up your armor a bit, and think about those types of things without beating them to death with scathing humor, you might find yourself one step closer to the relief you are searching for.
And as dumb and preacher-esque as this may sound, every decision you make towards being healthy, instead of towards quick relief, will make you feel a little bit better. When you feel like drowning your sorrows, exercise yourself into oblivion. When you want your security blanket, do something *else* that makes you feel secure.
And to quote a movie I HATE: "Baby steps to the door. Baby steps down the stairs. Baby steps to the car......" And so on and so forth.
Spectrum (the queen of mixed metaphors).
Re:Slings and arrows bit pusher: I'll stick with my rearview mirror for some time here ... there are things back there that need to be dealt with, and have needed to for a long time ... if I were ok with myself right now, I'd not be getting two hours' sleep and spending the rest of the night pacing the floor like a lunatic.
If I just rush forward into whatever life finds for me, I'll quite likely end up wasting a couple of years not resolving my problems ... the ones that got me here ... and unconsciously sabotaging any chances at happiness I find due to my crippled psyche. (the pedestrians, on the other hand, can stay off the sidewalk ...)
But we all get different paths to walk. Mine is dark now. Such is life.
Re:Slings and arrows JimB: [quote">
But we all get different paths to walk. Mine is dark now. Such is life.
[/quote">
I have found that the only way to conquer the darkness is to walk through it, rather than around it. Nicotine and spirits may feel like a magic carpet across the darkness, but they are actually a door blocking access to it. And those who attempt to run through the darkness too quickly tend to stumble.
Moving on means facing our fears and coming to the understanding that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. What are you afraid of?
Re:Slings and arrows bit pusher: [quote author=JimB link=board=1;threadid=2014;start=0#msg17710 date=1075757298">
Moving on means facing our fears and coming to the understanding that there is nothing to fear but fear itself. What are you afraid of?
[/quote">
That's the question of the week ... or month, or however long it's been since I was able to feel normal. I'm relatively certain that outside help is going to be necessary before I find the answer to it.
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