Strange sadness ostia: So I finally had a real "relationship talk" with the guy I've been seing since October (it took some major drama to get to that point, but that's another story), and we seem to be established as a "couple," for now, anyway, & whatever that means. We're keeping toothbrushes and clothes and things at each other's apartments, planning trips (to the beach this summer, maybe Japan in the fall). He is wonderful, and I'm happy.
But having these feelings, these plans, with someone else is causing all this pain to well up all over again. I'm shocked by it. I can't believe I feel this way, but it feels...disloyal, somehow. Even though I've known it for so long, I'm realising again, on some deep deep level, that it's over with my husband...really, really, really over...forever.
It's still unthinkable somehow...no matter how long it's been, no matter how sure I am that it's right that we split up, no matter how angry I am about the pain he caused me by his cowardice and irresponsibility and duplicity...he is gone, and he'll never be in my life again...this man who was my best friend for 18 of my 33 years on earth.
It's reminding me of a moment that happened pretty early in our our separation. He'd told me he needed "space apart" for a while in May, and I learned about the other life he'd been planning, the other woman, all the other stuff again slowly over the next month or two...but I still tried to get him to try again, to reconsider, I held on to hope for way too long...it was humiliating. But one day (I think it was in August) I was sitting on my couch with a friend who was visiting to make sure I was OK...and I was looking at my husband's books on his bookshelf, and I suddenly knew ...I remember very clearly having this simple thought: "he is never coming back," which just cut through all the confusion in my mind like an axe...and although my friend was talking, telling me a story about something or other, I couldn't hear him, and I actually felt physically dizzy, staring at those books I'd had in my home for 10 years. Unthinkable change and loss can cause that vertigo.
Re:Strange sadness bit pusher: Along with the holidays, the divorce finalizing, and a bunch of other stuff, one of the things that really shot me off my rocker lately was getting a little too involved with a girl I was dating ... turns out it dragged up even more turmoil than I'd allowed myself while the Ex was leaving. (needless to say, we're not dating now heh.)
Apparently the first time I let myself open up a bit there were some issues waiting for a chance to get out ...
Your words just struck me as familiar ...
Re:Strange sadness ostia: [quote author=bit pusher link=board=6;threadid=2029;start=0#msg17754 date=1075821163">
Apparently the first time I let myself open up a bit there were some issues waiting for a chance to get out ...
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Yeah...I know exactly what you mean. It just continues to amaze me how these issues keep coming up at odd times, provoked by the most unexpected things sometimes...when does it end, I wonder?
I spent the first 4 or 5 months after my separation doing more or less nothing but processing and dealing with the breakup, so I think I'm in a fairly stable state at this point...so I hope this sorrow I'm feeling now won't harm my current relationship too much...it's a good one...the person I'm involved with is pretty special and not easily replaceable, I think...but it's so very hard.
Re:Strange sadness PiscesGoddess: Sorry guys dont want to hijack your post here..its just that I can relate to the whole "new relationship" thing.. ::) I met a man right after my divorce was final..I mean ..RIGHT AFTER.. and since I was in that divorce fog..stumbling along like a wild woman.. I jumped right in.. All the signs were there that it wasnt right..for either of us.. He rode in like a knight on a white horse (on his motorcycle) and said "LET ME SAVE YOU FAIR MAIDEN"... hmm.. wasnt listening to that part of me that said "need to save yourself chicky'..hmm...
ANyway... I moved in with him..left everything behind..felt married again.. but..alas..we both had our flaws.. And as the smoke of lust began to clear away..we both realized living together was wrong.. so although we "agreed " I should move out.. he sprang it on me that if I hadnt agreed to move out he would have kicked me out... kids and all... (I aint no picnic people but Im not hard to live with..Im quite pleasant actually ;D) so...when it all started to go into motion..I felt as if my divorce were happening all over again.. deja-friggin-vu... But.. I am better now... realizing my mistakes.. and trekking my butt back homewards... and learning learning LEARNING... that I CAN DO THIS... single..alone thingy... right? :P Anyway.. once again sorry for the hijack of the thread.. just made me want to tell my story... best of luck to both of you... ;)
Pisces Goddess
Re:Strange sadness ostia: [quote author=PiscesGoddess link=board=6;threadid=2029;start=0#msg17761 date=1075823705">
I met a man right after my divorce was final..I mean ..RIGHT AFTER.. and since I was in that divorce fog..stumbling along like a wild woman.. I jumped right in.. All the signs were there that it wasnt right..for either of us..
Pisces Goddess
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You know, I think people screw up new relationships after a divorce in two basic ways: either they jump into something that's not right for them out of loneliness...or they sabotage a new relationship that actually has real potential by being too scared and guarded to let themselves open up to it.
Although I worried about the first issue for a while, it's actually the latter problem I'm most worried about for myself at this point. I already came pretty close to scaring this new guy off by being too distant (that was an origin of the drama I alluded to to in my original post...we ended up having one of those "but I thought you weren't interested...but I thought YOU weren't interested!" conversations last week, among other weirdness)...and I'm afraid I'm still not quite able to be with him wholeheartedly...it feels too dangerous..but I'm trying my best, and all I can do is hope he'll be patient.
But it is weird and unexpected how something very positive--getting involved with a new person I really like--is stirring up all this old pain. It's probably just because I'm really moving on, which means I have to give up any last vestiges of attachment to my old life....
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