second opinion on sex wolly1234: Perhaps this is an odd question, but what do I have to lose. Here it goes. I don't know how to put this delicately, so I'll just put it out there with the cleanest language I can muster up.
It's been a really long time.(for me, anyway) I am a man. Pretty primal one, too. The last 1-2 yrs, of the marriage was pretty much zip. No matter how hard I romanced. And I romanced hard. 24-7 sometimes. Everything from dinner out, to back rubs, cards, flowers, you name it. Didn't work. So, the last yeasr I could probally count on my fingers how many times. Even then something was missing,,,,,from her.
So, here I am, after 7 months of seperation, knowing full well she didn't wait but a few weeks(if not less). But that doesn't matter. I haven't seen her face, or heard her voice in all that time. I am lonely. And most people have the same simple advice.
You need to go get laid.
That's all it would be. I am not ready for another relationship, by no means. Being the dog I am, I do consider this advice. I was faithful always, and for some strange reason feel the need to still be. But like I said, I am lonely. It would be so nice to have someone to hold, even for just a night. But I don't know if it is a good idea or not. Maybe it would help me to break the ties. Or give me a little hope for the future as far as dating goes. Or maybe it would just make me hurt more.
I just don't know.
I am not an completely unattractive guy. The divorce diet helped. No more married belly, it's gone. There are woman out there who give me a brief second glance.(probally married) But so far I haven't acted on any of this. It's been probally a year or better. (Poor me!)
My question is how do you know when you are ready for that? Being horny can't be the only indicator. (like I said, I am caveman) I am close enough to Las Vegas that I could get the mechanics of it pretty easily, but I am not in to that. I want a bit more than that, anyway. But less than what I went through for the past 6+ years.
Anyone who has passed this bridge, or knows what I am talking about, I'd love to hear. I've gotta get over the fear sometime. I'd love to hear about how any of you got past this hurdle. The fact that we are here, and our spouses aren't lets me know that it is harder from our side than thiers. At least in most cases. I couldn't even begin to imagine doing hwat the stbx did, so soon. But no it's not so soon, but when? And how?
Everyone keeps telling me that's what I need, but they aren't going through what I am. Funny thing is, even those that have been through it seem to forget what it is like. Almost like combat, and the 1000 yard stare. I hope I never get like that.
So there it is. Wollys question of the hour.
PS,,, It's snowing here in the desert. Strange day.
Re:second opinion on sex finney5: While I don't have an answer, I can tell you that I totally understand where you're coming from. I haven't been with anyone since the ex, but find myself horny as hell! :o
It's wierd coming right out of a marriage. You're used to having someone there all the time. And initially that's what you look to find again. Thankfully, I've gone past that phase (Is he The One?? is HE The One??). Now it's just down to finding people that I'm comfortable with--who aren't jerks. And things aren't forced. I, too, am not the type that can just do whoever (despite the friends that tell me to "just get laid!"). And I also don't want to jump into a huge relationship since I'm finally free and exploring is FUN! It's just that barrier that has yet to be broken. (I don't know if that's how it works)
As far as your question, I think only YOU know when you're ready. I wouldn't suggest heading out to the Mustang Ranch to see if you're ready. Maybe see if there's someone with mutual interest--You've got to be able to handle an interactive relationship first before sex. (I'm assuming this is what you're going for) If you can't handle the first, then most likely the second won't happen anyway.
Maybe this helps, maybe it doesn't.. Just know that you're not the only one who feels this way
Re:second opinion on sex Safetykc: Wolly,
You are going to get all kinds of advice from all kinds of people. What worked for them might or might not work for you.
Only you will know when you are ready, and you may think you are ready now, but from your posts I can see you are still in SERIOUS pain over your situation....So take it slow.
The best advice in my opinion is to wait until you meet someone that you are really into and who really likes you. Friends first is always best, but when you are ready it will just feel right.
But thats just me. Everyone is different as I am sure you will see from the replies to this post and from other threads on this very same topic.
Some people think "getting laid" will make them forget their X's or their situation, but that is usually not the case. Only time, healing, and closure will do that.
And as Finney said, I am not sure "wookin pa nub in all da wong pwaces" is the answer...
Good luck and hope this helped in some way.
Take care...
Safety
Re:second opinion on sex bit pusher: Get trashed first ... then you've got a built in excuse. "But I was drunk" he howls, as he packs his pockets full of socks and boxers and stumbles blindly for the door ...
Eh, whatever you do, don't do what I did ... don't try to replace your marriage ... regardless of whether or not you feel like you're ready for a relationship, there's that whole emotion thing that'll take over. If you're good with keeping that in check, just having a ... casual (ahem) date or two is nice.
'course, my perspective is a little twisted, as I'm stuck on this rock fulla yankee tourists who have absolutely no urge to control their behavior ... the possibilities are endless.
Re:second opinion on sex Brian75034: Wolly,
I understand.
Couple thoughts.
Sex does not equal love (easy to say, sometimes hard to seperate and distiguish the two feelings of lust and love).
just be honest with whomever you are talking to, flirting with, or out on a date.
STD's, STD's, and oh yeah, STD's. SURE its worth that 15 minutes of pleasure?
Lastly, I personally kissed and messed around with females after my divorce but did not have sex with them. I saved it for the girlfriend I have now. And now I am sooo glad I waited and didnt have a "one night stand" story I had to explain to her- even if she does understands. Its still about me and my own choices.
Sure you will do whats best for you!
B
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