Why Now? NHGIRL: I am new here. I have been reading posts for the past few months, and finding comfort while reading them. For the most part, I can relate or agree with most posts.
Well I finally got the courage to ask my own question. Here is a little background of my situation.....
My husband and I were married for 3 years. We dated for 4 years prior to being married, so together a total of 7 years. In February he wrote me a letter and left it on the kitchen table basically saying how he thought we had grown apart and wanted different things. In the letter he told me he just wanted to talk and for me not to get all worked up about the letter, he just had to get some things off his chest. Well we talked about the letter and nothing really came of it. I put all my efforts into spending more time with him, but he did nothing on his end. In March he told me he wanted a divorce. Basically I had to pull those words from his mouth. He did everything in his power to make me feel guilty and try and push me away during that month.
I wanted to work on our marriage (never knew there was a problem), and I certainly didn't want a divorce. He was unwilling to try counceling or talk with anyone. I feel like I did everything possible to try, but he just didn't want to make it work. I was devistated to say the least. The divorce was finalized in July. Everything happened so quickly. I feel like I was never given a say in the matter. I had to tell myself that there is no way of changing his mind. He is his own person and you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. Also, I know in my heart that I couldn't stay married to someone that truly didn't want to be married to me.
I look back and can remember everything that happened, I just don't even remember how I got through it all. I know I had a great support system of friends and family and still do. Also, I am still in counceling which has helped a great deal.
My question is why now do I feel more miserable than I did 6 months ago. I feel like I got through all the hard stuff only to find out that I feel miserable now. My mind just won't stop thinking. I try and keep busy and get out with friends and everything. But I am constantly thinking of past memories of my husband. I know that the pain of this will not go away overnight and I don't expect it to. I just want to start getting on with my life and have one day where I am not crying b/c I am thinking of him. I know that he is not thinking of me and is already moved on with his life. I also know that people grieve in different ways, and it takes longer for some people than others. I just feel like I am always going to feel this way.
I also have to say that I have had no contact with him for a little over a month now. I won't want to get back together with him. I have been put through to much and I am a different person now. Also, he is a different person.
I guess today I am just feeling really down and looking for some support. Thanks for reading.
Re: Why Now? AloneandCold: Maybe you are having a harder time now because your mind has progressed passed the denial and shock of the breakup of your marriage. You may be to a point now where your mind can ask all the questions an allow you to grieve. That is what it sounds like you are doing, grieving. Let yourself grieve. It is part of the healing process and in the end will help you. If it gets to the point where you cannot function in daily life I would talk to someone (therapist). Otherwise I think it is natural, even six months down the road. We all have our own time lines. I hope you are doing a little better. HUGS!
Bug
Re: Why Now? Suddenly Single: I can relate to your timeline.
In 2004 - January/February ex tells me he is unhappy and I try for the next few months to work it out. In March I found out he was cheating and by end of June we are divorced.
I think when it ended that quick it left me with the feeling of WTF??!! I didn't have time to process a lot of things and I think I was in some serious shock and denial for a good part of it. It was hard but I can tell you that it is normal to feel how you do. I didn't want to go back with him either.,...but you still experience a loss and still have to mourn that.
You will continue to have up days and down days and that is all normal. We will be here for you. That was the greatest solice I found in this site was that what I was going through was normal and I was not "weird" or anything for what I was feeling.
Welcome to Ojar. Great place and great people.
HUGS to you....SS
Re: Why Now? bamboo: [quote"> Everything happened so quickly. I feel like I was never given a say in the matter. [/quote">
It seems like you are just now at the point where everything is "hitting" you. You said everything happened so quickly, so you probably didn't have a chance to process what was going on. Now that you have had no contact and the divorce is final, all your emotions and feelings are coming to the surface.
Your ex probably has a much different healing timeline. He is the one who wanted out of the marriage so he has probably been thinking, processing, and essentially beginning to heal much before you even knew there was a serious problem.
I agree that you are grieving, and you should just let it happen. Give your soul this time it needs to mourn the loss of your marriage. You will heal naturally on your own personal timeline. Its great that you already have a support system in place, just lean on them (and us) when you feel the need.
Re: Why Now? teacherwriterguy: Your question felt familiar to me. I had some similar experiences.
In the initial stages after the decision to divorce was made, I was very occupied with the 'business' of getting it done - contacting lawyers, selling the house, packing stuff, moving, etc.
Only down the road did some of the questions start to surface for me. I think sometimes people 'compartmentalize' when they are in crisis. You kind of just put your head in the sand and do what you need to do. It's only later, when the practical details have been taken care of, that you come up for air and actually feel all of the emotions and ask all of the questions.
Erm... or in other words, just what Bug said in reply #1!
good luck and we're glad you found us at Ojar,
twg
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