Re: Why Now? NHGIRL: Thank you for all your support.
teacherwriterguy - you hit the nail right on the head. Now that the divorce is finalized, the house is sold, I have moved all my stuff and settled into my new place and trying to begin my new life. The business aspect is all done.
Now I just feel lost. There is no lawyer to stay in contact with, no real estate agent to talk with re: the selling of the house. I complained about all of those things while they were happening, but the truth is they kept me busy and helped to keep my mind off of things.
I guess I knew that this phase would come sooner or later. I kept telling my therapist that. I felt as if everything would hit me all at once. And now I feel like it has. Everything is starting to surface for me for the first time. I went through the entire process, but now I can't stop looking back at everything. And the bottom line is there is nothing I can do now, what's done is done. It is all in the past and I know I have to look to the future. It is just so hard. Thanks for your support. I feel better just talking about this. I have a great support system of friends, but no one that has actually been through a divorce.
Re: Why Now? teacherwriterguy: Hey,
Glad we can help. Keep posting here!
One of the things I found was that I was actually better equipped to cope with dealing with some of the grieving and questions I had about the divorce coming to it a little later on. Everything else was a bit more stable, so I could give myself the time and space to feel and think what I needed to feel and think.
Someone - I can't remember who - said in another post, "This is a time to date yourself." I thought those words were pretty true - you've got a chance now to reclaim yourself. Take back things you lost in the marriage and take a few risks to try new things that you didn't during the marriage.
For me, it was very simple stuff. I joined a gym and got into a little better shape. I trimmed my beard to a goatee. I got back to working on my novel. I redecorated my own, new place. I started phasing out my old wardrobe and buying a new one. I made new friends and contacted some old ones.
Even while I thought about all of the old stuff and the pain of the end of the marriage, I tried to make sure that my life was full of positive, forward-thinking changes as well. It helped balance out the feeling of being at loose ends.
twg
Re: Why Now? Dharma Bum: NHGirl, I know how you feel. My wife, who I was married to for 5 years and together exclusively with for a total of 12, told me she wanted a divorce at the end of May, and I never had an opportunity to do a single thing about it. The reality of divorce is that the person who initiates is often WAY ahead in the process than the person they drop the bomb on. Usually they checked out quite a long time ago. I think you'll have ups and downs with things. The important thing now is to woork on yourself. Rediscover who you are and what makes you happy in life. Do things for yourself, meet people, have new experiences, live life. Good luck!
Re: Why Now? frontier74: It sounds like your ex didn't provide you with many good reasons for ending the marriage. I think this might have something to do with your current situation -- I know I sure struggled with this. How can you know that it's not going to happen again, when you're not sure what caused the failure of your last relationship?
You might want to spend some time figuring out what went wrong. He won't be there to give you the answers, so you'll need to use other resources. Try reading a few books on relationships and also make good use of these message boards. Many people here have gone through the same things as you, and many of them might have pieces to your particular puzzle. But, most importantly, you must be willing to own up to your own mistakes and failures.
Heres a few of the questions I asked myself:
She must have had needs that weren't being met. What were they?
Were her needs reasonable?
Why couldn't I or wouldn't I meet them?
What were my needs?
Were they being met?
Why might she have been unwilling or unable to meet them?
What am I really looking for in a mate?
How can I best find what I'm looking for?
How can I be a mate that someone would want to hold on to?
I'm sure you can think of quite a few yourself, but my point is, you can really only change yourself. Maybe you can't change who you are at the core, but you can change your perspective and how you relate to others.
If you know where you're going, why you're going, and what to do when you get there, it will be a much less frightening journey.
