New and looking for answers Reasons: I’m new here and don’t know where to turn. I don’t want to bother my friends and family with my problems anymore because I’m sure they’re sick of me talking about my ex, and frankly their advice has not helped me. I’m writing this in hopes to get a new perspective on my situation. I hope someone here will be able to help me.
I don’t know where to start so for right now I just have questions:
What’s a person’s reason for wanting to see their ex when they’ve been broken up for almost 6 months and is supposedly in a new relationship? … What’s a persons reason for wanting to know what their ex is doing on the weekends and who they’re with? … What’s a person’s reason for just wanting to talk to their ex for hours just about what’s been going on and sharing funny little daily stories? … People tell me it’s cause he wants to have his cake and eat it to, but he isn’t getting anything sexual from me; all we do is talk and laugh. Why does he need that from me when he’s in a new relationship? He says he can’t tell her everything like he still can with me. What keeps him in a relationship where he feels he can’t tell her everything? He says doesn’t even feel comfortable naked in front of her? When they get into arguments he even tells her that I wouldn’t do that. His mom tells her that I’m the one he should be with; it’s gotten to the point where his gf even tells him that. So what keeps him there besides the fact that he now works for her grandfather? Can working for someone’s family really tie you down?
We had a good relationship, we argued of course, but nothing that ever lasted more then a few hours. When we broke up it’s wasn’t even an argument, we just decided to separate for a while. We just didn’t seem to be as close anymore, people tell me that’s normal in relationships sometimes, something that in time will work it self out. But before this little stretch of being distant we were really close, there was nothing I didn’t tell him, he is still the only person whom I feel I can totally open up to. But he says he and his new gf argue all the time. He said they’ve gotten to the point where they want to fight. Is that some sort of love? Can two people always bump heads but still be meant for each other? And if they’re so meant for each other why does he want to be around me? I have friendships with my ex boyfriends but not the kind that he is initiating right now. When I talk to my ex’s it’s a hi, how ya doing kind of thing, not hi can I spend the day just talking with you. The last time he came over I was just talking up a storm and when I realized he wasn’t saying much I apologized and said “tell me something exciting that’s going on with you” And he said “ go ahead I like to hear you talk, I like to hear your stories”. What is so fascinating about hearing me talk?
Why does he tell me that he’s never had anyone like me but yet he stays with his girlfriend? He told me that he just took my pictures down about a month ago, and the whole time he’s has this girl friend, what is that? The things he tells me are so contradicting, or am I just reading to much into it? I don’t know I just know I’m going crazy because I love him and he’s with someone else. I try to tell myself that he's a good man, I know deep down he's a good man, but would a good man come around knowing how I feel about him tell me all these things when nothing can come of them because he has a gf? A good man doesn't do that does he? I just wish there were some answers for me.
Re: New and looking for answers frontier74: You're ex might be a good man, but he's also a very confused man, and being very selfish to boot.
When he left, he probably saw you as being the cause of all of his unhappiness. He soon found out that even though you were gone, he still wasn't happy. This might have made him question his decision, but as you can clearly see from his current dating situation, it didn't convince him to get back together with you and try to work things out.
He doesn't want to be with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be doing what he needs to do to make that happen. It really is that simple. I suspect that he merely has the feeling that maybe one day he might want to be with you again. If you move on, he loses that option, so he'll keep stringing you along until he no longer feels the need for the safety net that you're providing. The best case scenario you can probably hope for is that he and the girlfriend will break up, and you'll get back together, simply because it's the easiest thing for him to do. The problem with this is, you never had a chance to solve the problems that led to the first separation, and since he's only back with you out of convenience and familiarity, he probably won't be willing to give a sincere effort to solving the problems. The relationship would be a complete waste of your time.
If you really want him back, and you're sure that your reasons for wanting him back are good, then you need to give him an ultimatum. He needs to leave the girlfriend and start figuring out how to make your relationship workable, or you are moving on with your life -- immediately.
If you discover that you really have no good reason to want him back, then cut him off. Continuing to talk to him will do nothing but draw out the healing process.
If he doesn't want you, then he needs to give you up. If he's not willing to do that, you need to make him understand that he no longer has a choice.
Be strong and take back control of your life.
Re: New and looking for answers Reasons: Yeah I always tell myself that if he wanted to be with me he would be here, I think deep down I know that’s the truth. I just seem to always make excuses for his words and actions, I think making excuses makes me feel less pain, but while making these excuses I still hold on to hope. I know what I need to do is let go because this is not a desirable situation. I guess I’m just on here to let everything out, when I write it unjumbles my thoughts a little. O well, I guess the answers I’m looking for I already know.
Re: New and looking for answers changed4ever: First off let me say welcome to Ojar.
Second, I have been in your shoes until recently. My stbx and I did this for months. He would come over all the time and call me 5-6 times a day to talk. All the while living with his girlfriend(the one that he cheated on me with). He would say the same things to me that your ex is saying to you. I finally realized exactly what Frontier said, "he doesn't want to be with you. If he did he would be doing what he needs to do to make this happen". The truth of the matter as I see it is that he was stringing me along just in case thing didn't work out. He did not want me to move on because then he would have no back up plan. When I finally said to him we either need to work on our marriage (you break up with your girlfriend) or I need to have no contact so I can heal. He claimed that he was so confused, he let things go to far, he couldn't just leave his girlfriend, etc. Does that sound like a man that wants to be with me? Well I followed through on my no contact and today we rarely speak, only for the kids. Occasionally he tries to ask me to dinner or inquires about my personal life and I remind him that he made his choice and now my life is my own and I choose not to share it with him in anyway. It's truly a hard road, but I feel so much better now. I feel in control and on my way to recovery(at least most days).
Really the bottom line is if he wanted to be with you he would. He chooses to be with the girlfriend. I think it only prolongs your grieving and makes it so much easier on him. He still has you and his girlfriend. Really what are the consequences to him? He's being selfish. My advice is to tell him that he either needs to commit to the relationship or leave you alone. I don't think that you are in a position to offer him friendship at this time without hurting yourself. Maybe sometime down the road. But for now you need to take care of your needs first and if he can't commit then you need to move on. Good luck to you.
