somewhat different chaos: I have been reading this board for several months and my story is a little different.
My wife and I have been seperated for 4 months and she left with the kids at that time. The first 3 months of our seperation were brutal, all we did was fight and accuse each other of bad things.
Let me step back a minute: Married with childern for 7 years, our relationship was great, except we were VERY verbally abusive at times, which led to some physical abuse. Since Janurary this year my wife started telling me she couldn't take it anymore and it will effect the kids. Well I continued to do this and still blaming her for our problems. I truley thought I was powerfull and in control when I would flip out. Anyway, to my disbelief, she moved out the first of July. Over the next 3 months or so I was just as bad and probably even worse. I would try to track her down, call all the time and would only be civil on ocassion. She would also be abusive to me, but I made her that way and blame my self. I could not believe she left because I knew she loved me at the time. I can really tell now that she does not.
About a month ago, after another huge fight, a light came on in my head and made me think that this may be my fault and not hers! For the 3 months before this I tried to screw her every way possible with custody, money Etc. thinking that she is not entitled to anything for leaving. Over the past 3 weeks or so I have done some serious soul searching and realize how wrong I was. I have done alot or reading on abuse and realize now that I was brought up that way and did not know any better or how to act. Before my mom divorced my dad we would hide when he was late knowing it was going to be a bad seen.
The good news is I know this now and know what I need to change it. There are some great books on this and also great conselors online. The bad news is I am about 10 months to late.
Since I woke up and realized my issues my wife and I have had no fights and are communicating very well. Because of the kids the no contact thing dont work and I see her 3-4 times a week and we talk on the phone about the same. Of course through are relationship I have told her I will change and never did, not enough anyway, so now she has no trust and her soul is scared for life. Everytime we talk or see each other it is like we never were apart, but I know she probably will never come back. Not sure really what my question is, but the main answer on this board is no contact, let it go, move on. My situation makes that impossible and I feel I want to show her I can change. Anyway thanks for listening.
Re: somewhat different Suddenly Single: Welcome to Ojar.
Wow what a revelation you have had. It may not be too late for your marriage....but mostly likely for her - it is. Either way the best thing that you can do is not obsess about that aspect of it right now. (is the divorce in the works or are you remaining separated for now?) You are seeking counseling online but what about in person? Would she go with you? Obvsiously she has her issues to hash out and deal with too. Has she mentioned the change in you? I have more questions than I do advice right now.
I'm happy to hear that you are taking steps to take care of yourself. Continue to do this - that effort won't be wasted.
SS
Re: somewhat different chaos: (is the divorce in the works or are you remaining separated for now?)
Yes, during one of our first fights after seperation she filed. She has since said she does not have immediate plans to sign the final divorce, nor does she want to work together at this time.
I go to a local counselor, she does not. She says she doesnt want to do anything now, but she says she may feel different in the future. I guess that is what I am hanging onto. She did say I have changed, but once again it is only been a couple weeks.
thanks
Re: somewhat different Suddenly Single: OK....so those are some very positive things. Again....I can understand where the reconciliation of you two is foremost in your mind BUT the blatant reality is that if you do not get well and continue to stay well - you will not have her or your family back together. You have the possibility of regressing into past negative behaviors. The important thing here is to work on yourself - it is a proven fact that once you have worked on yourself and can take care of yourself you become a lot easier to love and others will be able to love and take care of you. Continue with the counselor and the books and Ojar and whatever else you have been doing. Continue with the communication you have been doing with her.
A suggestion. Go to a store and buy a journal...can be as simple as a notebook. Begin a journal for either yourself or write to express to her. Write in it as much as you feel - write your TRUE and HONEST feelings. You can start this as something to give to her later or start it as a dialog journal where you write to her and then she writes back to you - that way sometimes there is more openness and thought because the person isn't staring at you waiting for a reaction. You have time to think and you don't have to worry about facial experssions. It will open up some lines of communication for you to. Just a thought.
Good luck! SS
Re: somewhat different chaos: Thanks SS, I will just try to improve myself and hope for the best
